The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

Friday, December 14, 2018

Da Flow

That "Organ Donor" track got some sweet lyrics - at a certain point an idea manifested and the flow was funky fresh (and feisty!) and I can somehow remember the words when I perform it too! Haha. I have a difficult time with that usually. Lately I've been thinking in poems and feeling great... like, probably too great. I'm a sucker for unsustainable levels of happiness. The last several weeks I've been improvising songs for a newly formed band that currently goes by #dorsalfun (yes, hashtag dorsalfun, it's awful on purpose or on porpoise. haha. ugh.) It's such a fantastic group of people - really wonderful musicians. It's an honor to jam with them whenever the opportunity arises.

Work has been stimulating too, I just finished the five weeks of training and am starting the regular schedule the day after tomorrow. With the holidays and a personal day already scheduled, the next three weeks will be four day work weeks. I did laundry today. The kids are all set for school next week and will have a nice winter break soon. These kids are a delight. I bought Roland a new coat with an "R" on it, it's way cute. We went and saw A Christmas Carol last night, amazing actors that also play instruments - it was kind of incredible. Scrooge was really into it. A bunch of drool fell out of his mouth at one point.


Thursday, November 8, 2018

Sweaterz

"HeeeEeeeeY"
A lovely woman named Theresa gave me a couple sweaters recently - people are darling!

I'm attempting to pin down some lyrics for this track:



It's not always easy, or ever easy. Either it's difficult to put something into words, or it was difficult before putting it into words.

Tomorrow I start training for a new job at a call center, just answering billing questions and taking payments and doing stuff in peoples accounts and hopefully rising to the top of the company and smoking cigars and owning a sports team or whatever. Can you own a tennis player? It's just a one person team and seems somehow wrong, doesn't it? I guess I should at least TRY to own a tennis player one day.

Tuesday was my last day at a temporary job helping at a voter service and polling center as a supervisor. It was actually quite exciting being in a position like that, my team was fantastic and I was able to connect with all of them - they seemed to appreciate my temperament too. I'd like to thank my dad for the natural leadership abilities, he ran a business and lead a team of workers excellently. You certainly cannot demand respect from people, but it will come when they see your impressive work ethic and the pride you take in a job well done. When it becomes hectic or there are setbacks, solutions are there. We ran out of a form and someone went and made copies. We had huge crowds and got them all taken care of. I saw someone getting worn out and gave them a more manageable task. All with a smile because that junk was FUN and no one was even close to dying so there was nothing to freak out about. A couple of friends came in to vote too. A familiar face is such a delight!

Open mic night on Monday was also really fun, I laughed heartily when Oshee stood with the mic stand oddly dragging between his legs. I received a copy of an experimental spoken-word recording from Brandon. Matt can improvise so flawlessly when a heckler arises. Sarah is an amazing poet that gets on stage and delivers hilarious one-liners. Dude with a moustache poured his cringey heart out. George did weird stuff (very well!) What a night. I'm determined to perform next time. Therapy yesterday was great too - the last few minutes were spent gushing over Tim & Eric. Haha.

Friday, November 2, 2018

FreeDump

There are a lot of really great free things. Air, our senses, learning, talking, friendship, walking, pointing at stuff, taking a satisfying poop (outdoors), body heat, interesting rocks, percussive rhythm, story listening, singing, blinking, scratching, etc. etc. etc.

I just listened to a morning guided meditation, which had me feeling like a mountain stream going over a water wheel, powering my own dreams. When I think about my dreams I realize how simple I am - all I truly want is joy and love. Specifics don't interest me. There is something calling me and a meaningful path ahead of me and it hasn't been paved or maintained or lit or recognized by others as a path at all. The only way I see it is when I take a step further into it. How can one plan their route when the end goal is so obscure? When the dream is a feeling? When it is something that requires swift adaptation and effortless compromise? At least I can be organized in thought enough to write in a journal or blog. To hold a job and feed my kids. To maintain friendships and lessen their hardships and eat some tortilla chips with various types of dips - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. There's a place for me in the universe and it really doesn't matter what my immediate surroundings think about it - here I am. Not taking up too much space. Not being demanding. What I need comes to me when I actually need it and I used to feel so desperate. What happens when all your life you're regularly told how many hours per month you should feel inclined to share your faith with other humans (and that faith has DETAILS, baby!)? It may be about sacrifice, you tell yourself. Then that's great to hear, because I'm sacrificing a great deal to find the truth about love. I'm not afraid of men or their laws or expectations - I'm not afraid of the women that will support these ideas until death - I'm not afraid of being poor - I'm not afraid of being shunned - I'm not afraid of confrontation - I'm not afraid of thought, especially my own, wonderful thoughts. I was born an anti-cynic. My brain produces its own anti-depressants, it's starting to produce anti-anxiety chemicals too. How many hours a month do I preach now? ALL OF THEM! Hahahahahahahahahahaaha! Did you know that inanimate and dead things aren't jealous of us living things? They're just fine as they are. Trust me. Or don't.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Ga$$ed Up

This morning a thick, wet blanket of snow weighed the city down. Who wants to wake up when it's so cold and snowy out there? ME! It makes everything prettier and it's not the dry, powdery crap either, this is snowball quality! I drove the kids to school then stopped to get gas, turning the snow atop the car into sopping balls to throw in the air and watch plop on the ground, splattering while shattering - splashing while crashing - mushing while crushing - WHERE IS MY HAIR MOUSSE?!

Karaoke tomorrow. It's fun. Love Shack. Perhaps a Nickelback song. Why not? People don't want to admit it, but the audience will probably be singing along and okay with it. It was simply on the radio a little too much during it's day and being recognizable made it easy to dis since not many were into it enough to defend it. I don't care if someone openly admits to disliking Dave Matthews Band or Smash Mouth either. I should also do some Smash Mouth at karaoke.

Things are working out. It would be nice to have one of my brothers move out here to live for a bit and help pay for an apartment. Once I get a job and a couple pay stubs I'll be looking for a place, Jarred should come! MOM! Are you reading my blog?! SEND JARRED IN A MONTH! HE'LL BE 21 AND WE WILL PARTY SOOO RESPONSIBLY! HE CAN PLAY HIS GUITAR AT OPEN MIC AND GET A FREE DRINK! haha.

Monday, October 29, 2018

Cordially

MY SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNIN'! Little Bianca Rosa Alvarado:) such a sweet name.

The voter service and polling center job is pretty funny. I'm enjoying it so far, not terribly busy at our location. There is bound to be a time when humans are removed from these positions (hopefully).

I'm in somewhat desperate need of a vocal processor. Tonight is open mic night - not 100% sure I'm performing, but I'm going! Also, the kids and I were invited to dinner at another families home this evening. Thank goodness for the ability to make friends. Drugs can be nice for reducing the anxiety that comes with isolation, but they sure don't help one make friends. It turns out it's incredibly important to socialize regularly. If I miss a night - I feel like crap. Yesterday was a day for sleep, I just kept falling asleep and napping. Guess I needed it. Today is normal, uploaded another track to Soundcloud and about to get them kids. sigh... Can't wait to make some money!





Friday, October 12, 2018

Quirkly

Bouncing around, holding in my pee - I'm excited because, well, you see: learning is always possible and I love possibility. Learning how to spot the next opportunity. Learning how to love the best so love can come to me. Learning how to express it all and set my spirit free. A hot tear may fall, rolling down my cheek while thinking back on all the sweetness I was dipped in this past week. A sniffle and a smile, but not inclined to speak - just to listen. Finally. 

Yesterday I took a lovely walk with my daughter. She's nine and different than me, it's great to learn from her. When you love someone SO hard, you have to learn. I think my mom probably feels the same way about me. Thanks for loving me so hard, mom:) Thanks for believing in me.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Stoff 'n' Jonk

Another call center jorb is in the works, I'll be so happy to have a jorb again! I also did some phone recordings a few days ago for a local company. My voice is such an invaluable instrument y'all! There was a gentleman at the open mic on Monday that invited me to do a show later this month as well - the more I perform the more I get to perform:) The more I put into it, the more I get out. There should be costumes, hair, makeup and certainly more playing of instruments - I wish I knew a stand-up bass player. Then we can audition for the Tiny Desk thing. Speaking of, I stumbled upon a "Hobo Johnson and the Lovemakers" Tiny Desk performance and thoroughly enjoyed it. The sound quality on those videos is always top-notch.




It's a bit chaotic and I very much relate to the style and love what some may call a "cringeworthy" display of emotions. Hahaha. My son saw me look this video up and wants to watch it now, byeeeeeeeee.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Mew $ick!!!

Music. 'nough said.











Even though I've said enough, I will go ahead and ramble a bit: These are all tracks I made and have been using as background tracks for my singing/rapping/spoken word performances at a local open mic. It has been phenomenal being able to find my way back to the stage. Much like a volcanic eruption, I get up there and am ready to burst with scalding heat and frightening explosions. There was an evening I went and wasn't planning on performing - but then a couple sitting at the bar recognized me and asked if I was going on and that they were there specifically to see me... ME?! Unfortunately they didn't stick around long enough to see me join some other regular performers on stage improvising some amazing music together. Seriously incredible moments are shared on that stage. Lisa playing the fiddle, Puppet on the guitar, later joined by Ben Morse on guitar and J Oso Boogie joining in with rap vocals and even Andrea Stone, the host of the open mic came to sing along. Talent and joy flowing like lava into an ocean of ears and hearts.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

MegaFertz

This past Monday was pretty fun: Matthew and I wrote a beloved commercial for a made up product called Güpleflorp and I even made a bit of bizarre background music and a jingle and we read it aloud at the open mic. There's this regular that's always in a tie-dyed shirt named Tom that only got to see the last bit of the skit - but he was digging it and we had a great conversation that night. Eventually we'll turn it into a commercial to share online.

I'm in the process of trying to get a position at a local marketing agency working on dem SEOs. I also got some help signing the kids up for before and after school care, which is an immense relief for me getting a regular jorb. Now I just have to do a million tiny things to complete whatever the process is - get immunization records, physicals, initial here, sign there, come up with $100 for fees, and boom - I'll be dead.

Hahaha.

Ugh, my tummy hurts. Perhaps I shouldn't gorge myself on rotisserie chicken and gallons of coffee. Coffee that must not contain any freakin' CAFFEINE! P.O. Boxes are kind of expensive. And how weird to have a 3" x 5.5" box, aren't there supposed to be three dimensions? The depth isn't listed anywhere.

HEY - I have a gut feeling that things are going my way *BUT* it is unfortunately, sporadically, and intensely overcome by depression, which is exhausting. Like a heavy train chugging along until an unforeseen force brings it to an abrupt halt. Getting back up to speed over and over again wears on me and the halts are manifesting in the form of physical sickness. Insane hives, a never ending cold, nausea, tiredness. Certainly this is temporary, I recognize my NEED to prioritize self care now. AND to pace myself and be smart. I have somewhere to live, people that care, children that are nothing less than divine gifts, freedom, creativity, strength, rotisserie chicken, coffee, lunchables. Yeah... things are going my way.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Judge (but not jury)

I've been training this week for a temporary electoral judge job. They even think I can be supervisor, which sure is sweet of them. I've never voted and am unaffiliated - suppose I just want to learn how this democracy thing works. Being an educated voter would be the only way I would feel inclined to vote and I've never been educated in politics. It's easy to say, "hey that policy sounds great!" and it turns out to be some crafty way to manipulate people, I'm wary. There was a lovely young woman by the name of Sara there training as well - maybe she'll even READ this! Anywho, she is studying political science to learn specifically about policy writing and is also a fan of BoJack Horseman. This world will probably be okay.

In other news: this weekend should be fun. I'm going to be done moving into a weird basement scenario and then I'm picking up my cousin Matthew for super fun crazy cousin crap... I guess. Maybe we'll write and produce a musical in a matter of hours. That'll probably be what happens. It wouldn't surprise me. I improvised this anti-depressant of a number just this morning:


Monday, September 17, 2018

WHATAMIDOING?

Before doing some of the usual Uber drivin', I drove a fellow artist to see a gal he'd been forming a relationship with on the Interwebz. Had to get some pictures too, since he put extra effort into his hair game:


I just think these are great! I guess I'll go ahead and promote him by saying his name is Zander Alexander and he has the heart of an entertainer. Anywho… back to reality.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Gar(b)age Sale!

Made $5 today off a sword I got for free last night! Also, Google photos reminded me that I'm not as chunky anymore, which is kinda cool.

UGH, I'm a cute li'l dumplin'. Yeah, the one with the clown doll is from today, a friend is selling them at our garage sale. SO MANY of them. 

Also, I'm selling the lemonade business - $20 and highly profitable! Just add kids (and lemonade).

Life is change - I need to move soon, not sure where to yet. If you have any ideas, please, let me know! 

Friday, September 14, 2018

WORKWORKWORK

In these times of stressfulness and uncertainty it is so easy to forget the seeds I've planted in recent history. Perhaps I've become paralyzed a bit by fear, but the last couple of weeks have not been so bad. I have been doing the work and planning in order to lift myself out of this desperation - the universe reminds me that it's coming - an answer. Not to lash out at those that have tried to help (through all of THERE OWN hazy mess of complex life). We are only trying to help each other. Remember.

Bridges, I want all the bridges. I dig ditches just to build more bridges. Some say I'm smart, at times my skull feels too tight. Do I even know enough about anything?

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Temper [Rarey] Tantrum

Is temporary such a bad thing? Everyone seems to want all the "good" things to last for all eternity and all the "bad" things to have never existed. Seems to me that temporary is a great solution, especially since what is good for one thing is bad for another anyway. The first life on Earth couldn't exist now with the current oxygen levels. We've certainly benefitted from the temporariness of dinosaurs. It's not like I'm super stoked about eventual death. I'm not labeling it evil either. I also didn't come up with it and I know you didn't. We're alike in that way.

...what now?

It's as if we assume we are characters, unaware of our complexities. until we're not unaware anymore. Mr. Rogers was right - we are special. Yes, I just watched "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" -what of it? He knew what message to broadcast in a way only he could to an audience he cared a whole lot for. If something doesn't add up or make sense or it makes us feel unsure of why we "have to" be a certain way or do something - ask questions and figure out what the point really is and if it even applies to our current reality. To care is built in, so care about something. Carefully. Life is dope AF.



Monday, September 10, 2018

Da Troof

Do you limit your love? Afraid you'll run out? Does that mean you're judging too much? Disconnected from the source? What is the source? When you know, is that when you'll know?

Maybe I have a hard time with details. Have a hard time with now. And I'm practicing an uncomfortable balancing act that pays off every time. Every. Single. Time.

Too good to be true? No, I just said it was uncomfortable. The trick is in making the uncomfortable start to feel good. The afterward. The result. Believe it comes and it does. In the meantime: breathe. You never have to wait very long for the next breath. No patience required. No lack of patience required.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Trussed

It's a greaseball day for me. I've been washing my hair too often lately and now I can't go a day and a half without my scalp starting to feel greasy. GAH! Dry shampoo is sounding good.

Any day could be the day I run into the right contact to hook me up with an awesome job. And here I am being greasy. Daily hair washing just doesn't seem right to me. Neither does shaving. So I don't. That's easier to hide though:)

The expectations of American society. PSH.

When are we going to be allowed to be amazingly advanced AND human? Perhaps Europe has a better balance. Maybe I'll just go there. And not leave. There are too many people creating "needs" just to fill them for a dollar.

I love children. Especially mine, but they're all starting to grow on me. Being a good example is incredibly important to me - letting them know you can feel like you're different and you'll still be loved and worthy. You'll fail - you'll feel like you failed - you'll feel heartache - and you are perfectly okay even in those moments. You can fail and be okay at the same time. What if you never even tried? Maybe it's more okay to fail than we realize. Even self-sabotage, maybe that's just a last resort our subconscious uses to motivate us to move on when we've held on for too long. When we have faith that it is going to be better in the long run. I don't have to trust in those who have hurt me. What happens when no one CAN hurt me? What can earthling man do to me?




Friday, September 7, 2018

Foe Cuss

It sure is difficult to always remember to have faith, or to remember what that even means. That's what meditation helps me with the most. When I take a moment to stop and realize I require a breath to continue to go on, I start to remember that the air has always been there just when I needed it. So far at least. And my exhalation will benefit some other part of the universe. I've been feeding a lot of bugs lately, massive welts on my elbow with an itch that can't be ignored. What's the point of this discomfort? Perhaps to remember I was a part of something else's life. The itch may last longer than the lifespan of the stupid bug! A small price for me to pay for such a long, rich life of my own. Strip the earth of bugs and it would be uninhabitable for us. No such thing as a "stupid bug" it turns out.

Breath in, breath out. A simple and interesting system. Always depending on something else, something else always depending on us. We're responsible whether we want to be or not. Whether we can "handle it" or not. It has become incredibly helpful to remember that no matter how many times I haven't thought about it, took it for granted, even wished it wasn't the case: the next breath was always there.

Ooop, just saw a ladies booty crack at the library.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Jorb

People ain't that bad. Statistically I think we're okay. For instance, I'm quite often among lots of strangers and I've never once witnessed a stabbing. Most of us haven't, if I'm not mistaken. Even if I had witnessed a stabbing it would definitely stick out as an unusual moment. All of this lack of threat toward our life is ...great? We just get all the killin' out of the way with wars maybe? Not sure where I'm going with this, I make no promises except that I can ramble like a mo fo.

The job search is ON. I'm ready to overcome poverty and claw my way to a simple, peaceful existence. Any time I question myself, I just have to remember I'm the only one that can answer myself. And I make my answers positive and uplifting these days. More "why not?" than "why?" - more "how could it get any better?" than "how could it get any worse?". Lots of accepting advice from sources of wisdom that I connect with. Mentally, the results have been beyond the wildest dreams of former April. Current April feels good, looks good, is good. Good enough for a home of her own? Good enough to be content with her daily challenges? Good enough to make her own well-informed decisions? AWWWW YEEEEAAAH!

Friday, August 31, 2018

Surtch Ingyn Optomisashun

I enjoy SEO type work. I think I'll get a job all up in that realm. What IS SEO? It stands for search engine optimization and that just means that you make a certain website, or specific page on that website, show up before other related websites in a Google search (or Bing or Yahoo, you weirdos) for relevant keywords.

Search for "April Compo" and you'll find stuff I've put online because I like being found for whatever dumb reason. Plus, my name is not common and I love creating content and influencing everyone.

But... how???

I married someone with a unique last name, that helps. I make sure everything has my name attached to it - accounts are nearly all @aprilcompo. I add keywords to my blog posts (you'll see them at the bottom of this post!) I share links on other sites, usually social media since my personal junk is all a social experiment or for fun and not related to a specific industry. If that was the case I would share links to my content on industry related platforms and forums and blogs. Keywords that people search for when looking for exactly what you're offering are precious. You can analyze what keywords are the most bestest through tools like Google Analytics - and I JUST found out about Google's "Data Studio" which looks pretty lovely so far.

Analyzing stuff is fun. Seeing everything add up to a bigger picture is fun. Being seen is fun. Learning is fun.

Even if I don't get an SEO position somewhere, I will be using what I've learned through the years wherever I'm at. It seems though, that my experience and personality could be useful to a whole BUNCH of folks. And that's kinda nice.

 Thanks for all the experience Data102!

Thursday, August 30, 2018

Scoops Part 4

The bag is empty!!! Let me say: there is a dude next to me at the library looking at pictures of Gremlins and laughing out loud. I asked him if he'd seen the movie and he said it had been a while. I asked him if he was high and he said no. I'm proud of this man. Also, I was NOT high while making these commercials. It's a blessing to have the ability to laugh at such stupid crap and you might not see the humor in it, but you CAN allow me to.






Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Scoops Part 3


These last couple commercials get a little artsy. Which is right up MY alley! Actually I just finished watching the second season of Baskets and it is also an artsy type of comedy - ala Louis C.K. - a lovely shift in comedy culture and no shift in man culture. Can't have it all I suppose.




Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Scoops Part 2


Stale Scoops come in handy when you want to bless the lesser creatures of the earth!





There's no denying THAT satisfaction.







Monday, August 27, 2018

Scoops Part 1

Making commercials always sounded incredibly fun to me. Especially for products and services I can get behind.






I made a bunch of short Tostito Scoops commercials last year for no reason while I was in Florida. Here is the first and possibly best, as the idea was fresh in my head and it features a beautiful tree fungus.


_________________________


Today is my parents 41st wedding anniversary!!! Happy anniversary, you ridiculously gorgeous and amazing people! Your work here was done once I came into the world, yet you still keep going:) Haha. JK. Please keep working on me.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Brothers & Sisters

Lately I've felt the urge to call my friends "brothers" and "sisters". A giant wall comes down mentally for people when you put yourself so close to them in your friendship. When you hug them like family and they don't really know how they deserve it. I take pride in my hugs and the accomplishments of my friends.

Lately I've wanted to say what's on my mind and whether or not I'm judged isn't up to me. Putting in a little extra effort to be kind to people goes a long way. There are people that have given me looks, looks that tell me I'm too forceful. After a few more encounters these same people will now hug me like family. Hell yes, I AM forceful.

Lately I've felt like myself, relearned what I am and do and feel and need. Everyone needs a good cry. Everyone needs to laugh more. Everyone should be a little more comfortable doing either one. Both at the same time is fun.

Last night I spent the night at my cousins place and today we're going to an amusement park! Just another standard, beautiful day. Days like these give me the strength to keep challenging the status quo.



Forceful
---
Your sister

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Want

What a day. Not sure why "what a day", but that it is. And how!

Now I'm at Starbucks on my gifted, amazing laptop, drinking a coffee purchased with a gift card from another beautiful friend. There are so many things to be grateful for today (and every day)! I sit down to TRY to be stressed about this or that. Even after the previous post mentioning my financial situation and how "poor" I am - I know I'm incredibly rich!

I'm supposed to be filling out an application, but I've got TIME for once in my life and it's incredibly precious and valued.

Okay, time to do that application:)

Hertz

My body is so sore right now. When I get to a gym (not often enough) I really go wild. Yes, it hurts. There's no catching up on what should be regular exercise. I have been losing a bit of weight over the summer, it's nice to hear a friend say I "just keep getting skinnier". I've been keeping lighter by not eating a ton. Getting some weight exercises in makes me strong and way happy.


The beautiful and talented Charlotte Rogers performed at open mic on Monday. Man, her sweet voice tickles my soul. She wants to jam with me! Oh, the possibilities!


Right now I'm at... THE LIBRARY! duh. Was just working on my resume and a cover letter and I'm going to DHS later to ask for sad, poor people money to keep me alive and crap. Haha. Ugh. What a shame that I happen to be so poor. This too shall pass. I enjoy working. Just need to focus on the work that pays I guess.


Dang, I love people.   

Friday, August 17, 2018

D-Zerving

What does one deserve? Just by being alive? Human rights are an interesting development, individual rights for everyone. Why not? Is it something the universe would allow for? It would be well and good to have the right to live a life free from harm or unwarranted distress. How can we exercise that right? Why should we? Do we really deserve it? How do we know when the harm or distress is even unwarranted?


These days I live with very little harm and distress. I still have me around and I'm grateful everyday for what I have. There are definitely times I added to the harm and distress I've experienced - times when I believed I wasn't the one able to manifest my own happiness. Or that happiness somehow depended on circumstance or financial stability or the happiness of my loved ones. Now I fight for my right to party. Andrew W.K. is a seemingly strange, but effective form of motivation for me. What a soul! There are so many people with so many views and so many forms of expression and it is SO much healthier than feeding into the darkness. Do we have the right to be healthy? Yes. We just have to fight. HARD.


We will all go through challenging, depressing, traumatic times. I'm asking you to go through them with me - even if we never know or speak to each other. It actually makes no difference if the bad stuff that happened is warranted or not. Maybe we're an ass and we've spent our lives justifying it - does it really matter in the moment that we decide to heal? Nope. Every time we make the choice to heal, we're fighting. Fighting an authority that resides in our brain that has somehow convinced us to identify only with it and its negative nature. Well I say "fuck authority" in this case.


Party on.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Dunking Doughnuts

Hey gang. At the library again. Computer #37. Let me just say: I look great today. Makes me feel great. It's going to be a wonderful week, there have been many wonderful weeks these days - excitement and shared wisdom and enough extraverted communication and deep conversation to keep me stimulated and brimming with bubbly, annoying levels of joy. It's MEEEEEE - APRIIIIIIIL!

Who doesn't love a confident weirdo?! (I know some people don't and I'd really like an explanation.)

Possibilities aplenty. So plentiful it may be hard to focus, especially with this librarian's amazing and stylish ponytail right in front of me, uuugggh cute. Also, there's a dude here with sunglasses on (indoors) that include a frame for his third eye. hahahahaha. haha. ha. WOKE.

The kids being in school is insane to me. What a privilege. They even feed them?! wow. Tonight is the delightful open mic. I've got some phone calls to make and then some driving to do and then some lunch to eat and some life to live and some energy to burn on the stuff I actually CHOOSE to do. Can you tell I'm out from under the heavy weight of depression? It's possible! It's possible and it's HERE! I can achieve success!!! AAAHHH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  AAAAHHH!!!! (I guess)

Friday, August 10, 2018

All a-bored

Uber driving is nice. I like people. People like it here. Most passengers are visitors or haven't been here very long. How do you think the great land of Colorado feels about these people? Just coming along, gawking and driving around, skiing, hiking, trampling, disturbing, parading, gallivanting? It seems that the people from Colorado, or that have been here a long time, have a very anthropomorphic view of this land. Like it really cares about what's going on within it - more so than other places. I like looking at it that way too, probably because I'm influenced by others and it seems more respectful and I've lived here a while. It would have been nice if several other states legalized weed at the same time. More coastal and populated states. When I first came here at 21 years old, I finally felt like I could afford to move out of my parent's place in Florida and live as an adult. Now... I'm at a library because there's no Internet at home, which is a rented room with my two children and I. Better than the shelter. Better than the car. Somehow better than being in another state still.


My kids are both in school. I'm so tired. There is a lot to do and responsibilities galore. No one is safe. My mom is right: it's a day for Dunkin' Donuts! 

Friday, August 3, 2018

Oh, The Srimp!

Annie. The orphan. What an amazing character. My daughter saw the play live a few months back and then while at the library she saw the movie and we checked it out and I watched it - perhaps for the first time in my life all the way through. Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, Zaddy Warbucks, Sandy (as himself), etc. WOW, I loved the poop out of it!

Speaking of loving the poop out of something: Jack Stauber! What glorious lessons there are to be learned through the ever-evolving art of animation. Here's one of my favorites:



Soon I'll have a ton of time available to find a job that doesn't suck and then I will GET that job. That's what I believe.

Last night was another delightful karaoke adventure - Celine Dion, Weird Al, Offspring, Aladdin's Whole New World. Things are moving right along and time is well spent. Speaking of time well spent, I'm off to draw some Adventure Time characters with Naomi and then eat a chicken sandwich for dinner. PEACE.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Bootiest

Typically this is the day of the week I participate in a local open mic. The person that usually watches my kids, however, is visiting with her brother while he processes some life-changing news. It is incredibly good to go with the flow and make it easier for other folks to be right where they need to be. Most of the time I find that it puts me right where I need to be too. Which is at the library at the moment. I took a turn to get here that I don't typically take because I followed a sign I don't usually notice and it put me on a path which had me pass an interesting building. So interesting that I turned into the parking lot to check the hours of operation. Since I've got nothin' to lose at this point, I may as well go out and say this is a Buddhist center. Why is it so interesting to me? It has always been interesting to me. I'm drawn to it. From the time before I could grasp reading and writing there was a concept much like reincarnation I would ponder. The conservation of energy seemed to be something innate in my brain. This is definitely not something any person in my life taught me about as a little kid, on the contrary, there were too many lessons to be learned about displeasing a creator (or mom and dad or any grown up that knew "better") to give much thought to the rest of the universe.

We shall see, shan't we? ...or not, which is fine too. Y'all, I'm accidentally Buddhist. Maybe. I do so love the phrase "Everything in moderation. Including moderation." It doesn't even matter if this is just something that intrigues me or makes you laugh. What matters? I have a hunch, you have a hunch - let's practice!

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Geez Us

The library has become my sanctuary. I've already been coming here pretty regularly to print stuff and get books and movies and now I'm here multiple times a week. The latest book I read (and just finished today) was A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. It made sense, surprisingly, and it confirmed my belief that infinity is more likely than not. This might sound stupid or impossible: I saw infinity - felt it - experienced it(?) It led me to the conclusion that I read about in the book: no boundaries. Even though there was a "beginning" the universe was infinitely curved and our perception of time can't really apply. There is the idea of "imaginary time", which might actual be more real than our "real time" and let's not even get into multiple dimensions right now because I should probably be focusing on getting some crappy job in this "real" universe in order to afford "real" Internet. The comments about God in the book are interesting, there is always some input by some religious groups about what scientists are observing and theorizing. It's like the masses have to have science chewed up and fed to them by religion or they refuse to even taste it. At least that's what some religions are like. Culture needs to shift a bit, methinks. We all have purpose without a definition, much like the understanding of physics throughout time we'll never know everything and change is inevitable and there are negative and positive energies, particles and anti-particles at work that we have no way to predict or fully observe but HEY, we're here. The book also made some comments about modern philosophy and it felt as if those comments were directed at me personally.


The other two books I started reading are about women stuff. Leadership and regaining our diminished confidence, basically. To hear growing up that "you can do anything" then immediately "well, you probably don't want to do that because...[something about tits]" makes for a confusing message. Feeling stuck has been a major theme in my life. One I've overcome time and time again. This life won't last forever and while I've faced some negative B.S., I now realize it may very well be because I'm such a positive force. Seeing that makes my positive mass expand and I will cancel out a whole bunch of negative in my lifetime. It's fun for me. Ooooo, thunder just struck. All these afternoon storms are fantastic and much needed. Blessings!

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Perfricked Thyming

Isn't right now just a great time to not have Internet at home?

Information that could be so much easier to acquire, is now a drive away with limited access and surrounded by others that could look at my shit. Right when I really could use the Internet to research schooling, jobs, tax info, account info, all the info I apparently need in order to start divorce proceedings...

The universe loves me, sure. What about the immediate surroundings? Eh, it'll all work out. My urge to react is hopefully being controlled enough to provide me with some sort of eventual reward. Playing it cool does pay off. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Did I mention I can't listen to guided meditations at bedtime now? Here's one good thing: Boost Mobile let's customers stream as much music as they want without counting it toward data usage. Spotify may have guided meditations, I don't know. Things ain't so bad. "Black Holes Ain't So Black".

Since I'm already at the library I can also just get more books on physics or origami or how to build better relationships or how to be independently wealthy and achieve a life where my desires are manifested and I no longer even understand what anger is. I suppose all I have to do is be content with what I already have... BUT NO INTERNET?!?!?! WWWWHHHHYYYYYY?! haha.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Tim Time :(

Time to discuss Tim. He's a yeller. He yells at his kids for several minutes straight because he doesn't know how to cope with his own stress. My kids and I planned on going to the river today and Tim was coming to the house to take his kids since he has joint custody with his ex-wife, my roommate. We kindly invited Tim to follow us there if he would like. Things were okay for a while, then the cork popped and for 15 minutes he yelled at the kids. He yelled at them for being too far, for being on rocks, for getting wet, for forgetting to bring towels, for finding raspberries, for taking too long to get their shoes on, and probably for other reasons that I didn't quite catch while I attempted to relax by a lovely river.

Here is my face in the 12th minute:


Some people have no clue what they're doing to the people around them. I told Tim that he yells a lot. He started saying things like, "well I'm going through stuff with my landlord... I had a hard day at work... I woke up late... etc. etc" I said, "Tim, those are all excuses and have nothing to do with me. I'm still hearing you yell a lot." He said, "I know" then continued yelling at his kids immediately. He only allows himself to live in the miserable moments and can't see what is right in front of him. Can't even appreciate this absolutely GORGEOUS environment. My kids got their shoes on and we were gone without saying goodbye and had a yummy dinner at La Casita!


All-in-all it was an amazing day! Naomi turned 9 today and I was able to get her the full version of Minecraft (she previously just had the pocket edition on her tablet and it was killing her when she couldn't do something that a YouTube video described because it wasn't meant for the pocket edition). We had a picnic lunch at a park where they have free pottery and poetry class-type-things, then went to the nearby Penny Arcade and had a blast. After that we came home to make sure Tim could get his kids. If children planned out our days here and there, we would all be much better off. As for Tim, all I can do is be a good example and wait until he asks for advice before giving him any - he assumes I'm a godless heathen for not believing what he does.

Bonus Side-Story!!!

There was a homeless man at La Casita named Anthony that was close to having a heat stroke when I arrived. We had a great discussion about life and by the time he left he had amazing energy. He has a 15 year old daughter and his ex and her new husband dislike him greatly. I let him know they had plenty of life left to live. He nearly started crying and said he really needed to hear that. I gave him a big hug and it was obvious he didn't get those very often. From near heat stroke to renewed spirit in under 10 minutes or your money back! That's the April Compo guarantee.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

I'm Prove It

With somewhat short notice I decided to go ahead and audition for an improv troupe here in town. Rusty? Yes. Enthusiastic? Yes. Entertaining? At certain points, for sure! It doesn't even matter if I make it into the troupe, there is something out there for me. Many opportunities have arisen just from presenting my own weird self to other creative types. One of the fellers in the troupe is strikingly similar to the owner of the data center I worked at, which is exciting because the first guy was willing to hire me so perhaps I actually get to do this thing. They don't even get together and practice or perform all that often and I can brush up on my presentation skills (and learn how to end a scene!)between practice. As a matter of fact, I've already started watching YouTube videos on the art of Improv. Performing is my favorite and most fulfilling form of expression. It's art that I don't need any supplies for and y'all know how cheap I am!

From mud wrestler to philosopher to politician to sugar mama, people have all kinds of ideas about the kind of existence I should embrace. Listening has become easier. Deciding has become easier. Boundaries have become easier.

There is also the "job" part of life and that seems to be lining up too. Once the kids are in school I won't have the childcare work and I'll be able to search in earnest for a job that aligns with my experience within a creative field. An administrative position at a company that prints poetry was recently brought to my attention. Hurling myself into the things that energize me has been juicing me UP. It's my own fault for letting anything get in the way of that in the past. The discouragement was all just a test, rejection is actually good. Infinity comforts me, for amongst it I know there will always be a place for me - and the place I am is right where I belong.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

2 Legit 2 B Quiet

I'm gaining the tools to cope with the stress that life brings. There's a ton of anxiety on the planet and when you don't even realize it has an effect on you, you don't even realize you can do anything about it. Excuses get in the way for sure, who really wants to be responsible for preparing for the utter crappiness that inevitably finds us? What if we don't have anyone to explain things to us in a way that makes sense? What if those that want to help us just make assumptions based on their own experiences? What if we think we're crazy? What if we ain't got time? What if we're told not to even have certain thoughts? What if we're told to stop crying or they'll GIVE us something to cry about? What if that same person loves you more than anyone else in the world has loved you?

It sure is difficult to separate the person from the behavior. It sure is difficult to accept that someone you love is not responsible for your happiness. Even with 99.99% good intentions there is a tiny, little bit that is doing it for themselves in some way. They want to prove something. This isn't terribly cynical or unrealistic, folks. Some would rather the person they "love" be forever unsuccessful than to accept that their way doesn't actually help everyone on the planet. Now THAT is unrealistic.

Taking my own mental health seriously has been a wacky journey, as I'm sure most are. Thankfully I have long-established habits that have kept me afloat in extremely rough times. Expressing myself openly, honestly, and creatively has and always will be a part of my life. That doesn't mean I should rant angrily, it doesn't mean I intend to offend, it doesn't mean I'm more important than anyone else. It's just what I do for me. It is always nice when others approve, relate, appreciate and encourage, but even if they didn't I would still do it. Imagine a place where all emotions are expressed in a healthy way. It's helpful to self-validate. There's no one to fight in this place.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

(S)laughter

When I'm sort of uncomfortable, I laugh. It's a blessing - as I can't control everything anyways. There is chaos in reality and the things that seem silly to me make me laugh. Abuse isn't silly, but then again, sometimes it is. Social media at times will bombard us with videos of people completely losing self-control and exhibiting violent behavior, complete with vulgar, brainless yelling over the dumbest (DUMBEST) stuff. There is lots of this footage shot in fast food restaurants. People are so incredibly stressed that they make a display of their primitive rage for all of the Internet to see. I laugh at these videos. Even when faced with these situations in real life (as long as my children aren't present) - I am intrigued and take mental note. Separating myself from my surroundings has been pretty easy for me. Once in first grade I was assigned to decorate Easter eggs, which is a no-no for Jehovah's Witnesses, and I got super quiet and stood in a corner so no one would notice me. It worked for several minutes and I ended up scaring the teacher's assistant when she finally saw me - god, what a creepy kid! Haha. There I go laughing again. Being different (weird, really) was a good thing in my household. Still is.

People are not their worst moments, they're a whole package. Forgiveness for even the most heinous things is possible and, in my eyes, admirable. If we wish revenge for all the bad things people do, we have only to remember that we ourselves have been asshats on occasion. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Anger. There is mountains and mountains of anger that is so easy to dump via text onto one platform or another. "Can you believe someone would DO such a thing?!" - Yes, and I don't know why you'd expect the world to be free from chaos. To let horrific things happen without penalty is not something decent folks are into, hence all the laws that exist. To punish without due process wouldn't help society, so relax there buddy. Be smart. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I recently watched a video about Rosa Parks, she didn't seem super angry. She was an attractive person on many levels and had more integrity than just about anyone. Where are the genuine people? The ones that practice what they crave? We don't have to be trampled and we don't have to be barbaric to let people know we don't approve of their trampling. Make decisions from a place of self respect, beginning with how you treat yourself. Are you floating through life holding on to some of the worst traits and habits that you would reject another person over?

In the words of Michael Jackson: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the chaaaaange"

Also, please try to laugh more, for god's sake!

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Letting Goo

As some of you may or may not know, or might have suspected, or had a hunch: I enjoy a good guided meditation. I listen on YouTube to Michael Sealey, mainly. Right now I'm living in Colorado in a rented room with my family (husband and two little kids). We moved here after staying at a homeless shelter for two weeks. Jason-husband inquired on a website if anyone had a spare room and a kind family responded. We met up and had some Dunkin Donuts and our kids all had a blast immediately, they're pretty much the same ages, coincidentally. We've all become such good friends and pretty much needed each other. I now have a karaoke buddy, a great influence, stability, kindness... it's enough to make me cry with appreciation and joy.

Last year was so hard and so educational. We've been in this house for nearly ten months and I've agreed to watch the children over the summer and, in many ways, continue my education. The mutual respect in this house is pure delight! The unnecessary, unimportant, worrisome things are slowly sluffing off of me and my life. The good - things and moments and people - are rising up around me. Meditating has been a very important key to accepting this reality: the world is full of kindness and the universe wants us to succeed. Good wins when we fight alongside it. We may have to fight ourselves intensely too, accept and admit our own not-so-good ways so we can work with what we've got.

Now I have to go help my daughter do some origami!

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Co Co.

I live in Colorado, or "CO", when abbreviated. My maiden name is "Cook" and my married is "Compo", both beginning with "C-O". Weird (maybe). I think if I were to start a business I would name it "Co Company" or "Co Co." for short. I guess I should be selling chocolate.

...and that is how rambling is done, foo'.

Actually I might apply for a job at Rocky Mountain Chocolate something-or-other and tell that story to get hired. People love strange connections, or any connections. However, I recently learned how to make fudge and it would probably be more profitable to sell my own, if I did it in earnest. A food scale would be needed - probably another good, heavy-bottomed pot and thermostat to have two pots going at once. Mmm, this orange-chocolate fudge Brandy and I made was too right. No wonder I've gained weight (still did a chin-up yesterday!) Strength exercises really do help in the long run, I probably would have gained even more if I didn't try to keep my muscles sore from push ups and squats throughout the week. Half-assed yoga too! Mostly I just do cat-cows and reach up and fold over (real simple stretches), but I'm getting amazing lung capacity because I focus on the breathing.

ANYWAYS, I'm gunna try and sell some art on Saturday. My helpful roommate Brandy and I decided on prices for some originals from the last few years and she's getting a spot at a craft fair type thing. I just have to make sure they're all signed/dated. Honestly, I'll have to guess on the undated ones... can't see how that would matter though, I'll just claim it was part of the painting and not meant to represent the real date if I ever get caught. This blog is now evidence against me I guess. Or for me? Ugh, who cares