Lee Mee Loan

Inside me is a draining, cranky demon. I'm grumpy. It makes me so tired to have this frustration sitting heavily on my heart. Maybe I miss my family in Florida while the hurricanes keep blowing through, maybe I want a different job, maybe I need a vacation, maybe I'm sick of responsibility, maybe I'm not doing something I should be, maybe it's getting dark too early already, maybe I should be on pills, maybe I wish there was more I could do about things I can't do anything about, maybe I can do something I just haven't thought of what to do yet and now I'm too tired to think of it.

Sometimes I'll tell myself that my life is blissfully filled with peace and maybe I'm just being dramatic thinking I'm mentally ill all the time. But I also can't help but think it's a good thing to feel unsettled inside, like it's incredibly wrong to stay here and stagnant, you fool! RUN! HIDE!!! 

I saw a woman on the sidewalk today that looked just like my grandma. It made me cry and think about what it would be like to have her with me right now. She would definitely understand and stay positive and be so comforting.

I'd give her a pistachio muffin and green smoothie. She'd get a kick out of it.

TrappR KeepR

The end of this week is wiping me out, bruh. Shouldn't have had any amount of fast food, much less the amount I consumed within the last few days.

INNIE WAIZE, it's going to be a magnificent weekend. Hiking, jamming, friending, parenting, healthing, stealthing, wealthing, breathing, and hopefully slightly less itchy eyeballs.

I'm bringing some wine over to a friend's house for some pizza and mommy times tonight. A friend recently moved to our side of town with kids my kids ages and I'm STOKED. Love me some west side shenanigans.

Last week I was recognized while I was out and about for my performance at the open mic I do regularly. What a cool celebrity status moment. haha. Being weird on a stage is paying off... sort of. This past week I stuck around and jammed with the bartender and another regular patron, we got so metal and it felt sooooo gooooooood to freak the fun out... for the one audience member that is also the host. She did say we're her new favorite band:D

Yesterday was emotionally rough AF, lots of crying and vulnerability thinking about how abused I was for so long. It's inexcusable. I mean, fast food doesn't help, but shit... SAD. How are you going to allow yourself to screw up so badly for so long? My entire soul rejects that possibility from ever stepping foot in my heart again. I love myself and my children. Many folks love me and my children. The wisdom of my grandma whispers in my ear "you're doing fine". It's only when some awful desperation settles in that my mind receives this lie on repeat telling me that the bullshit is unavoidable and probably deserved. Kindness, however, is undeserved. RIIIIIIIGHT. Done with that lie. Infinite access to love and joy is real, buddy. So eat my butt.

Stoff 'n' Jonk

Another call center jorb is in the works, I'll be so happy to have a jorb again! I also did some phone recordings a few days ago for a local company. My voice is such an invaluable instrument y'all! There was a gentleman at the open mic on Monday that invited me to do a show later this month as well - the more I perform the more I get to perform:) The more I put into it, the more I get out. There should be costumes, hair, makeup and certainly more playing of instruments - I wish I knew a stand-up bass player. Then we can audition for the Tiny Desk thing. Speaking of, I stumbled upon a "Hobo Johnson and the Lovemakers" Tiny Desk performance and thoroughly enjoyed it. The sound quality on those videos is always top-notch.




It's a bit chaotic and I very much relate to the style and love what some may call a "cringeworthy" display of emotions. Hahaha. My son saw me look this video up and wants to watch it now, byeeeeeeeee.

D-Zerving

What does one deserve? Just by being alive? Human rights are an interesting development, individual rights for everyone. Why not? Is it something the universe would allow for? It would be well and good to have the right to live a life free from harm or unwarranted distress. How can we exercise that right? Why should we? Do we really deserve it? How do we know when the harm or distress is even unwarranted?


These days I live with very little harm and distress. I still have me around and I'm grateful everyday for what I have. There are definitely times I added to the harm and distress I've experienced - times when I believed I wasn't the one able to manifest my own happiness. Or that happiness somehow depended on circumstance or financial stability or the happiness of my loved ones. Now I fight for my right to party. Andrew W.K. is a seemingly strange, but effective form of motivation for me. What a soul! There are so many people with so many views and so many forms of expression and it is SO much healthier than feeding into the darkness. Do we have the right to be healthy? Yes. We just have to fight. HARD.


We will all go through challenging, depressing, traumatic times. I'm asking you to go through them with me - even if we never know or speak to each other. It actually makes no difference if the bad stuff that happened is warranted or not. Maybe we're an ass and we've spent our lives justifying it - does it really matter in the moment that we decide to heal? Nope. Every time we make the choice to heal, we're fighting. Fighting an authority that resides in our brain that has somehow convinced us to identify only with it and its negative nature. Well I say "fuck authority" in this case.


Party on.