Hurray Up & W8

 Uh oh, I got excited about a new thing and then the momentum kinda fizzled. We'll see if the factors at play actually move in the way it takes for it to happen. It's wait and see, but if the time comes and says "NOT", I know what I CAN do. What I was able to afford in a moment of excitement is still something I can afford without so much urgency and it's so nice to know there's a reserve of passion in me yet for the things I love and love to do.

What's great is my family has been invited to an art brunch on Saturday and the timing is just right. No plans, clean home, no fuss, slight hesitation to commit at first (out of habit), and realization that it's what the universe wants for me. With the people I enjoy the most because they're the sweetest, most positive souls. They charge my battery! I wonder if my dear boyfriend can come too, lord, he encourages me so much. And it's such a seemingly natural trait for all these folks, rather than being critical or entitled. 

Brandy is back at the office after several days having to work from home due to renovations after a pipe flooded her condo. Lord, am I happy to make her laugh. 

Still dreaming of my five-year plan to own some land. Here I am with my truck:

Qwik-E

The gig from August got me a paying gig for this weekend. That's neat-o! I'm hosting an all-female comedy show on October 5th in Pueblo.

There have been some great moments recently with friends and some gut-wrenching moments with my improving connection to my intuition. My upbringing was not well-suited for me, it had me refusing to trust myself for some important decisions. The thing is: I'm not an idiot. However, I was taught to believe all humans are basically idiots with bad intentions. Smart enough to ruin it for everyone else and that's it. It is a lot to come to terms with and not just be totally depressed. I'm an anti-cynic disguised as a cynic :)

I'm married to someone with the same upbringing. Plus trauma?! What a mess. Oh lord, have mercy.

Sometimes I think about a time when my children are adults and perhaps it turns out they're struggling to deal with emotions or have a mental illness of their own they must cope with. It is unimaginable that shunning them would be an option at all. Refusing to admit to my own possible oversight in raising them, when they're right there suffering. Sometimes I feel like all some parents would have to do is acknowledge that they should have done things a little differently. Should have encouraged pursuing college at an earlier age (earlier than my senior year of high school, when they offered to buy me a car if I got a scholarship yet didn't offer to help pay for college or any further education). Should have let me have relationships prior to moving (incredibly far) out at 21. Should have refrained from pressuring me to literally marry the first guy that boinked me. Eh, I guess they're perfect (even though that is TOTALLY against their religion to believe). Haha. It's funny and I'm smart and I will never shun my children and I am definitely not about to give up everything I've earned in this life to be "good" according to some wacky band of old dudes. Some wackier than others. Hahaha, y'all JWs know which one I'm talking about:D

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.