Guy Dense

 Oh, sweet & sour & spicy Universe! Hear my pleas and guide me to a state of pure, true intention! Pummel me until I have no choice but to stop resisting! 

Sigh... there. 

It's becoming easier to stop forcing things. It's becoming clearer who I am and where I'm headed. Intuition is kicking in and it is straight up telling me things. I'm so hesitant to explain this right now, but I feel compelled to so here we go:

Last year I made a five-year goal to buy land. A vehicle that can travel in rural spots as well as carry supplies would be a necessity. My car's check engine light has been intermittently coming on and I recently found a business card as I was cleaning out my purse before taking a trip. The card is from an old friend that owns a mechanic shop. I remembered he would sometimes have vehicles to sell so I inquired about what he might have on hand. He only has two trucks. After work today I'm going to his shop and have a strong feeling that I am meant to buy one of these trucks. He's a trustworthy, generous dude so I'm not worried he'll sell me a turd and I have an ever-increasing list of complaints about my current vehicle I've had for seven years. A vehicle I desperately needed to escape my situation at the time. A vehicle attached to some downer energy. BUT, it has served its purpose and is paid off, including the down payment I borrowed from my parents. It's the first car I financed, which was great for my credit score. 

The title of this blog post is a play on words. Sounds like "guidance" and lately I have been open to guys. Dating, taking trips, chatting, thinkin' 'bout 'em. I made it a point to not commit to any particular guy for at least a year after my divorce, which is coming up fast (in eleven days, to be exact). Brandy and I both have "divorciversaries" this month and we're hoping to celebrate somehow. Haven't figured out how quite yet, but it's not something we take lightly. It's more of a celebration of our friendship than a celebration of dissolving our marriages, but hey, we're still proud of removing ourselves from something that wasn't meant for us. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and damn, my happiness is a bucket of chum! I said "chum", mom! "CHUM"!

All Boils Down Ta

Turns out it's really fun to use an app to make me look like a man. Being encouraged to stay home and away from others in this current pandemic situation has led to some simple pleasures resurfacing for me. Video games are fun, Sudoku is wonderful, doing nothing is perfect, being grateful floats my boat.

I've been trying for years to make it back to where I am now, actually, where I am now is better than where I was before. I'm even working from home! Which is actually kind of a lot to get used to. If only I had two monitors and a way better chair. Dang I sound privileged. And yet, here I am with obscene levels of self-discipline and time management skills making something work that I've been curious about for a long time. While the kids are home from school (yet still on Spring Break) I gave them chores to do before screen time and they're such good li'l people. Taking out trash and doing dishes... getting on each others nerves finally. They're pretty mild mannered. I love them so much. Probably wouldn't be so self-disciplined without them. Who knows. Who cares? It's TOO LATE! haha.

While stuff is closed, it hasn't been all that different for me lately. I've already gone a few weeks without performing at the open mic on Mondays and have mainly been socializing at a smaller scale, a few folks over at a time or going to a friend's house on occasion. A friend is going to video chat with me later too. Nice to get used to online chatting as an ever-present option. I chatted with my brother yesterday - so good to see and hear him.

People are definitely keeping more to themselves. There are some people out there that depend on seeing strangers in public for a living, it has to be a scary time for people that live day-to-day. What are homeless people doing? I wonder if some of them will get so scared they seek family. I wonder what those families will feel obligated to do. I have hope that there will be a great rekindling of families and a rearranging of values that benefits everyone.

Brothers & Sisters

Lately I've felt the urge to call my friends "brothers" and "sisters". A giant wall comes down mentally for people when you put yourself so close to them in your friendship. When you hug them like family and they don't really know how they deserve it. I take pride in my hugs and the accomplishments of my friends.

Lately I've wanted to say what's on my mind and whether or not I'm judged isn't up to me. Putting in a little extra effort to be kind to people goes a long way. There are people that have given me looks, looks that tell me I'm too forceful. After a few more encounters these same people will now hug me like family. Hell yes, I AM forceful.

Lately I've felt like myself, relearned what I am and do and feel and need. Everyone needs a good cry. Everyone needs to laugh more. Everyone should be a little more comfortable doing either one. Both at the same time is fun.

Last night I spent the night at my cousins place and today we're going to an amusement park! Just another standard, beautiful day. Days like these give me the strength to keep challenging the status quo.

Forceful

---

Your sister

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.