Almost Me

 ...it's almost April, see?

 Just saw this on Facebook and love it:

"Nobody can save you but yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and force
to make you submit, quit and /or die quietly inside.
 
Nobody can save you but yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless being?
do you want to experience death before death?
 
Nobody can save you but yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.
think about it.
think about saving your self.
your spiritual self.
your gut self.
your singing magical self and
your beautiful self.
save it.
don’t join the dead-in-spirit.
maintain your self
with humor and grace
and finally
if necessary
wager your self as you struggle,
damn the odds, damn the price.
only you can save your self.
do it! do it!
then you’ll know exactly what
I am talking about."
 
~Charles Bukowski, “nobody but you” from Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way, 2002

I had to underline the "wager your self" as I'm just not competitive, however, with all the challenges of living in a sluggish/broken system built by the dead and abused by the dead-in-spirit, it would be so sad not to wager my self. So inspiring!

 

Listerine

Admittedly, I could stand to do better at listening without imposing my own intentions or values. Maybe I'm getting better at that naturally with age. Listening is so efficient! It is getting more loud and clear when someone ELSE isn't listening and wants to cling to their delusions - which makes me look back at all the times I've been guilty of living in my own fantasy rather than pay attention to those not-so-hidden messages, whether spoken or otherwise evident. It's also kinda fun not being overly worried about what another person hears. If they don't want the answer that they don't want to hear, their brain finds a way to avoid asking the question. To want is to suffer and I'm not wanting much at all these days, baby.

Guy Dense

 Oh, sweet & sour & spicy Universe! Hear my pleas and guide me to a state of pure, true intention! Pummel me until I have no choice but to stop resisting! 

Sigh... there. 

It's becoming easier to stop forcing things. It's becoming clearer who I am and where I'm headed. Intuition is kicking in and it is straight up telling me things. I'm so hesitant to explain this right now, but I feel compelled to so here we go:

Last year I made a five-year goal to buy land. A vehicle that can travel in rural spots as well as carry supplies would be a necessity. My car's check engine light has been intermittently coming on and I recently found a business card as I was cleaning out my purse before taking a trip. The card is from an old friend that owns a mechanic shop. I remembered he would sometimes have vehicles to sell so I inquired about what he might have on hand. He only has two trucks. After work today I'm going to his shop and have a strong feeling that I am meant to buy one of these trucks. He's a trustworthy, generous dude so I'm not worried he'll sell me a turd and I have an ever-increasing list of complaints about my current vehicle I've had for seven years. A vehicle I desperately needed to escape my situation at the time. A vehicle attached to some downer energy. BUT, it has served its purpose and is paid off, including the down payment I borrowed from my parents. It's the first car I financed, which was great for my credit score. 

The title of this blog post is a play on words. Sounds like "guidance" and lately I have been open to guys. Dating, taking trips, chatting, thinkin' 'bout 'em. I made it a point to not commit to any particular guy for at least a year after my divorce, which is coming up fast (in eleven days, to be exact). Brandy and I both have "divorciversaries" this month and we're hoping to celebrate somehow. Haven't figured out how quite yet, but it's not something we take lightly. It's more of a celebration of our friendship than a celebration of dissolving our marriages, but hey, we're still proud of removing ourselves from something that wasn't meant for us. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and damn, my happiness is a bucket of chum! I said "chum", mom! "CHUM"!