MaTOOR

 It's very nice feeling settled in my brain. Not having to make decisions hastily and feeling well-rounded has my stress levels manageable. Envisioning a plot of land with a creek and remembering the smell of dark soil, the cool feeling of a shaded little spot on earth - it's where my mind goes every chance I give it. 

 The weight of depression I felt nipping at my heels the last few months is dissipating. Anxiety and depression are so contagious for me, unfortunately. They're easy for me to spot and so hard for me to handle appropriately. Like seeing a cave and being drawn to it naturally. Letting it hold me and tell me everything else is too dangerous. Good thing I have no choice but to leave. Too bad when a hermit I befriended takes it so personal. 

 What better way to carry on than to be a balanced, healthy individual? There's a handy gauge that I've developed through life that triggers a little warning light. When I look under the hood, it may take some deciphering, but it's incredible to finally figure out how I work and what might not be working so well. What fluids to top off, where I'm leaking, what wires are crossed. The song "Little Red Corvette" played on the radio this morning, there's no escaping some external influence.

 Now, who's gunna drive me GOOOOOOD and SLLLOOOOWWW? 

Cordially

MY SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNIN'! Little Bianca Rosa Alvarado:) such a sweet name.

The voter service and polling center job is pretty funny. I'm enjoying it so far, not terribly busy at our location. There is bound to be a time when humans are removed from these positions (hopefully).

I'm in somewhat desperate need of a vocal processor. Tonight is open mic night - not 100% sure I'm performing, but I'm going! Also, the kids and I were invited to dinner at another families home this evening. Thank goodness for the ability to make friends. Drugs can be nice for reducing the anxiety that comes with isolation, but they sure don't help one make friends. It turns out it's incredibly important to socialize regularly. If I miss a night - I feel like crap. Yesterday was a day for sleep, I just kept falling asleep and napping. Guess I needed it. Today is normal, uploaded another track to Soundcloud and about to get them kids. sigh... Can't wait to make some money!

WORKWORKWORK

In these times of stressfulness and uncertainty it is so easy to forget the seeds I've planted in recent history. Perhaps I've become paralyzed a bit by fear, but the last couple of weeks have not been so bad. I have been doing the work and planning in order to lift myself out of this desperation - the universe reminds me that it's coming - an answer. Not to lash out at those that have tried to help (through all of THEIR OWN hazy mess of complex life). We are only trying to help each other. Remember.

Bridges, I want all the bridges. I dig ditches just to build more bridges. Some say I'm smart, at times my skull feels too tight. Do I even know enough about anything?

D-Zerving

What does one deserve? Just by being alive? Human rights are an interesting development, individual rights for everyone. Why not? Is it something the universe would allow for? It would be well and good to have the right to live a life free from harm or unwarranted distress. How can we exercise that right? Why should we? Do we really deserve it? How do we know when the harm or distress is even unwarranted?


These days I live with very little harm and distress. I still have me around and I'm grateful everyday for what I have. There are definitely times I added to the harm and distress I've experienced - times when I believed I wasn't the one able to manifest my own happiness. Or that happiness somehow depended on circumstance or financial stability or the happiness of my loved ones. Now I fight for my right to party. Andrew W.K. is a seemingly strange, but effective form of motivation for me. What a soul! There are so many people with so many views and so many forms of expression and it is SO much healthier than feeding into the darkness. Do we have the right to be healthy? Yes. We just have to fight. HARD.


We will all go through challenging, depressing, traumatic times. I'm asking you to go through them with me - even if we never know or speak to each other. It actually makes no difference if the bad stuff that happened is warranted or not. Maybe we're an ass and we've spent our lives justifying it - does it really matter in the moment that we decide to heal? Nope. Every time we make the choice to heal, we're fighting. Fighting an authority that resides in our brain that has somehow convinced us to identify only with it and its negative nature. Well I say "fuck authority" in this case.


Party on.

Perfricked Thyming

Isn't right now just a great time to not have Internet at home?

Information that could be so much easier to acquire, is now a drive away with limited access and surrounded by others that could look at my shit. Right when I really could use the Internet to research schooling, jobs, tax info, account info, all the info I apparently need in order to start divorce proceedings...

The universe loves me, sure. What about the immediate surroundings? Eh, it'll all work out. My urge to react is hopefully being controlled enough to provide me with some sort of eventual reward. Playing it cool does pay off. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Did I mention I can't listen to guided meditations at bedtime now? Here's one good thing: Boost Mobile let's customers stream as much music as they want without counting it toward data usage. Spotify may have guided meditations, I don't know. Things ain't so bad. "Black Holes Ain't So Black".

Since I'm already at the library I can also just get more books on physics or origami or how to build better relationships or how to be independently wealthy and achieve a life where my desires are manifested and I no longer even understand what anger is. I suppose all I have to do is be content with what I already have... BUT NO INTERNET?!?!?! WWWWHHHHYYYYYY?! haha.

Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?