Am I?

 Woof, I've been toying with my identity lately. Always fancied myself as an artist - my very core tied up in this title. Distancing myself from this and other labels internally has been very sad. Feeling lost and unknown and empty - far beyond the intensity of leaving the religion I was in from birth until nearly thirty years old. I guess I just want to BE. At least for a time, to see what I've been blind to due to assumptions about myself and the universe. 

 Yet... I keep putting gas in my car, taking the kids to school, going to my office job, talking to the same friends, going to the same open mic, living in the same apartment, cooking the same meals, speaking the same language, surrounded by the same culture, day after day after day after day. Previously, I didn't identify as fearful but with a tiny bit of examination I see it now. Because I'd labeled myself as "tired", I don't stray far from my routine. Because I'd labeled myself as "thrifty", I don't spend money until a sense of urgency has developed. Because I'd labeled myself as "independent", I don't live anywhere near family. Because I'd labeled myself as "dependable", I'll stay right where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of someone else's wants. All seemingly "good" things. So why hasn't the universe rewarded me? Ha! It's as if I labeled myself as "deserving" or "worthy" and if I were to just quickly glance up from my self I'd see that all I'm owed is "this". So neutral and dauntingly up to my own overused brain to decipher.

Mother, May I?

Yo dawg. Remember when you didn't do stuff because your parents wouldn't let you? Having grown up I never thought I'd have so many excuses for why I "can't" do things I would love to do. The excuses have been few and far between these days and it is making a big difference in my quality of life. It's truly incredible to see what a few months of concentrated effort can do. Specific goals aren't easy for me, I have much love for many generally creative endeavors. What if I were to decide to focus energy on just one? If so, it would be comedy. At least that's how I feel today. But that feeling will change. Performing is the general pursuit at the moment. The universe will guide me beyond that. Someone has some fresh bread in my vicinity and it's KILLING me. Want.

I invited a local comedian over this weekend. Maybe we'll record a podcast! The thought of whipping up some theme music and fake commercials alone has me sold.

Bootiest

Typically this is the day of the week I participate in a local open mic. The person that usually watches my kids, however, is visiting with her brother while he processes some life-changing news. It is incredibly good to go with the flow and make it easier for other folks to be right where they need to be. Most of the time I find that it puts me right where I need to be too. Which is at the library at the moment. I took a turn to get here that I don't typically take because I followed a sign I don't usually notice and it put me on a path which had me pass an interesting building. So interesting that I turned into the parking lot to check the hours of operation. Since I've got nothin' to lose at this point, I may as well go out and say this is a Buddhist center. Why is it so interesting to me? It has always been interesting to me. I'm drawn to it. From the time before I could grasp reading and writing there was a concept much like reincarnation I would ponder. The conservation of energy seemed to be something innate in my brain. This is definitely not something any person in my life taught me about as a little kid, on the contrary, there were too many lessons to be learned about displeasing a creator (or mom and dad or any grown up that knew "better") to give much thought to the rest of the universe.

We shall see, shan't we? ...or not, which is fine too. Y'all, I'm accidentally Buddhist. Maybe. I do so love the phrase "Everything in moderation. Including moderation." It doesn't even matter if this is just something that intrigues me or makes you laugh. What matters? I have a hunch, you have a hunch - let's practice!

Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.