Listerine

Admittedly, I could stand to do better at listening without imposing my own intentions or values. Maybe I'm getting better at that naturally with age. Listening is so efficient! It is getting more loud and clear when someone ELSE isn't listening and wants to cling to their delusions - which makes me look back at all the times I've been guilty of living in my own fantasy rather than pay attention to those not-so-hidden messages, whether spoken or otherwise evident. It's also kinda fun not being overly worried about what another person hears. If they don't want the answer that they don't want to hear, their brain finds a way to avoid asking the question. To want is to suffer and I'm not wanting much at all these days, baby.

Washin' My Brain

What a rainy year in Colorado! Yesterday while leaving work the sky opened up and dumped all of it's contents right onto my car. There's an international jump rope competition happening in town, which sounds fun. One of the competitors from Japan was crossing the street in the downpour and didn't have an umbrella or anything, clutching their backpack and running with a smile on their face. My brother.

My friend April and her little son visited last week. We went to the park to have a picnic and it dumped rain that day too. We were able to eat under a tree without much disturbance (I used my reward points to get a free eight-piece fried chicken from Safeway!), but the rain kept getting heavier and heavier. We played in it a bit, running around the playground with a toddler in the rain is a wonderful experience. 

The kids and I are going to the same park Saturday, it's such a beautiful spot close-by. We're admittedly spoiled with natural beauty. Naomi turned 14 a couple days ago so we're inviting her friends to the park for some food and to get them together again before they start high school. I'm not a fan of middle school, so it's very exciting. Summer has been generous, I've been grilling more than ever, I joined a gym and look forward to some time in the steam room after work today.

My cousin and I have a five year plan to buy land and start building a place to stay. At first for vacations and then likely for retirement as it gets more accommodating. There are a few things I really want: outdoor shower, off-grid, chicken coop. The chickens will have to wait for a permanent resident, as will the dog. Gotta have a dog. 

The routine has been oh so good, friends are increasingly dear, kids are my heart and motivation, family is always with me, we're very, very fortunate. Which means I should write some different songs because I'm not as into decomposing as I once was.

Qwik-E

The gig from August got me a paying gig for this weekend. That's neat-o! I'm hosting an all-female comedy show on October 5th in Pueblo.

There have been some great moments recently with friends and some gut-wrenching moments with my improving connection to my intuition. My upbringing was not well-suited for me, it had me refusing to trust myself for some important decisions. The thing is: I'm not an idiot. However, I was taught to believe all humans are basically idiots with bad intentions. Smart enough to ruin it for everyone else and that's it. It is a lot to come to terms with and not just be totally depressed. I'm an anti-cynic disguised as a cynic :)

I'm married to someone with the same upbringing. Plus trauma?! What a mess. Oh lord, have mercy.

Sometimes I think about a time when my children are adults and perhaps it turns out they're struggling to deal with emotions or have a mental illness of their own they must cope with. It is unimaginable that shunning them would be an option at all. Refusing to admit to my own possible oversight in raising them, when they're right there suffering. Sometimes I feel like all some parents would have to do is acknowledge that they should have done things a little differently. Should have encouraged pursuing college at an earlier age (earlier than my senior year of high school, when they offered to buy me a car if I got a scholarship yet didn't offer to help pay for college or any further education). Should have let me have relationships prior to moving (incredibly far) out at 21. Should have refrained from pressuring me to literally marry the first guy that boinked me. Eh, I guess they're perfect (even though that is TOTALLY against their religion to believe). Haha. It's funny and I'm smart and I will never shun my children and I am definitely not about to give up everything I've earned in this life to be "good" according to some wacky band of old dudes. Some wackier than others. Hahaha, y'all JWs know which one I'm talking about:D

'til Death

Marriage is so metal. When the only person I can control is me, the only reason I would go insane is if I didn't learn to let go of the unimportant. It doesn't mean I have to stop loving anyone any less. Loving myself is important if I'm to remain capable of taking care of what I must. Especially the children. It's unimaginable that I would refuse to do whatever I had to to make sure my kids were able to grow, learn and empower themselves. Even more reason to do what I must to commit to sanity and health. I'm not doing bad.

Skits 'n' Shits 'n' Giggles

That last blog post sure worked me up. I had a great time with my comedian friend and we are now a comedy duo and quite a force to reckon with. If you need to lighten up (trust me, you DO) then Skits 'n' Shits 'n' Giggles are the pair of bitches you should go see LIVE at the open mic on Monday nights at Zodiac Bar & Venue in B-YOOtiful Colorado Springs, Colorado, U.S.A., North America, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way, Universe (believe it or not). I sure seem super serious about this endeavor.

Here's the thing: I just love this performing thing a LOT. The chemistry in this duo is a very efficient and powerful fuel. We planned a little presentation, prepped a little segue, improvised (like I like) and sprinkled a bit of magic on each other's fannies. Look, details aren't my thing - it's just pure and special within the very moment it occurs. We have enough in common and enough different to bounce our thoughts and words off one another like a hot, sexy potato. YES, she has guitar skills. YES, I have sweet moves. YES, we ooze brilliant, healing energy like a bright, golden light.

Benny was there, Jelly Bones, Kai, Saustro, faces I just adore. Oh, Monday: best day of the week. Guy with a Russian accent claiming he was from Boise, Idaho. Matt Gabriel and his critical manner that makes him hilarious. Strange Josh fellow with incredible, chaotic talent. Kevin Pounds with his soul and cheek bones. I judge people. The verdict? They're GREAT!

After performing we hung out outside with a clean-cut, lanky cowboy and made up songs about having no teeth. All the while his teeth were on full display. WHAT TEETH! He had a look like Gomer Pyle.

Geez Us

The library has become my sanctuary. I've already been coming here pretty regularly to print stuff and get books and movies and now I'm here multiple times a week. The latest book I read (and just finished today) was A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. It made sense, surprisingly, and it confirmed my belief that infinity is more likely than not. This might sound stupid or impossible: I saw infinity - felt it - experienced it(?) It led me to the conclusion that I read about in the book: no boundaries. Even though there was a "beginning" the universe was infinitely curved and our perception of time can't really apply. There is the idea of "imaginary time", which might actual be more real than our "real time" and let's not even get into multiple dimensions right now because I should probably be focusing on getting some crappy job in this "real" universe in order to afford "real" Internet. The comments about God in the book are interesting, there is always some input by some religious groups about what scientists are observing and theorizing. It's like the masses have to have science chewed up and fed to them by religion or they refuse to even taste it. At least that's what some religions are like. Culture needs to shift a bit, methinks. We all have purpose without a definition, much like the understanding of physics throughout time we'll never know everything and change is inevitable and there are negative and positive energies, particles and anti-particles at work that we have no way to predict or fully observe but HEY, we're here. The book also made some comments about modern philosophy and it felt as if those comments were directed at me personally.


The other two books I started reading are about women stuff. Leadership and regaining our diminished confidence, basically. To hear growing up that "you can do anything" then immediately "well, you probably don't want to do that because...[something about tits]" makes for a confusing message. Feeling stuck has been a major theme in my life. One I've overcome time and time again. This life won't last forever and while I've faced some negative B.S., I now realize it may very well be because I'm such a positive force. Seeing that makes my positive mass expand and I will cancel out a whole bunch of negative in my lifetime. It's fun for me. Ooooo, thunder just struck. All these afternoon storms are fantastic and much needed. Blessings!

Jumble Booque

Science parties are where it's at. We drove about an hour east into rural Calhan where the stars are MUCH more visible. Here, Jason is enjoying a drink with dry ice in it. 

Below you will see an impressive corn starch fueled fire

Moving on to the next day, my little niece! She is so great and SO hungry. I'm told she was born smacking her tongue, ready for some booby:)

Happy 39th anniversary to my parents, I made my mom a carrot cake. She always makes sure she's there for us when we need her. Dad is so generous in sharing her and keeping her so happy.

Tasted real good. Just a box cake with homemade cream cheese frosting, walnuts and the same cream cheese frosting with food coloring splooged about in semi carrot shapes.

Her favorite