Grass That Fades

Mom passed away about a month ago. No one expected it, but it also wasn't the most shocking news. While we've been grateful to have her exactly as she was for as long as we could, her healthcare was questionable, her childhood seemed mysterious, her lineage unknown, her birth certificate forged.  

Mom was in a car accident in her mid-30s and they scanned her brain, finding a couple small, fluid-filled holes. They weren't able to decipher the age of the damage, but they did give my dad a funny look. My mom's aunt ended up confessing that mom was thrown into a wall as a two-year-old by the aunt's then-boyfriend that was supposed to be helping watch the kids. Mom was in a coma for a while and, Hallelujah, baby girl eventually woke up, but she had to relearn everything. She also only had one kidney?!

She never knew her biological father, maybe his last name is Wentworth(?) She was raised by her mother and step dad.  

At 14 she got pregnant. Her parents borrowed some money and got her an abortion before she even knew why she was so nauseous. She only found out afterwards that she was in the hospital to terminate her pregnancy. Around that time, her parents had the friendly bible people, Jehovah's Witnesses, come and study with their kids. Eventually, the three girls got baptized. They had two brothers, one with severe autism and their baby brother, they were heathens. Haha.

As a kid she worried about her mom's health because she had a bad heart and refused to stop smoking. Their family had hired help, a black nanny. She didn't disclose this until after the movie "The Help" came out and she realized it was a more shared experience than she realized. She was kind of ashamed, especially after becoming a Jehovah's Witness, which I've heard described as a "black religion". While people around her were casually racist and felt superior, my mom was thankful for and incredibly influenced by her nanny.  

At 16 mom got married ("almost 17" she would tell me) to a great guy that actually dated her sister for a minute before finding out about Sherry Ann. My dad was 19 and would be with her for the rest of her life. She had five children with him, all pretty cool. Her first son was born when she was 18. She had another son at 22. She had lil ol' me, "the most difficult childbirth", at 24. Then, waited eight years to have my sister at 32, then our baby brother at 36. My two kids and my sister's husband and their three kids are also included in this picture, along with dad and all the siblings: 

We all got together to say goodbye to mom, to be there for dad, within a couple of days of the news. All twelve of us in a house of about 1,000 square feet, not including the new addition on the back that dad is building. 

My mom was always proud of us, telling us she never did that good in school, so don't worry. Though she did worry about our chastity, likely because of her trauma. She was an amazing mom, with the support of our dad, she was available to come to our school events, cooked great, comforted, came all the way to Colorado when I had my first kid and went through my marital strife. She was employed a few times to help out financially too, a couple McDonald's locations and even at Dunkin Donuts with me when I was 19 (that gig didn't last long for her because she felt like her uterus was falling out and ended up getting a hysterectomy). My friend Nora came and helped us around the house while my mom was out of commission, and now Nora has a potty mouth because mom made cussing so much fun. Mom also worked with my sister at a McDonald's in Umatilla, FL later on. The team loved 'em. 

After the most tumultuous part of my life was sorted, she was able to come out for a real vacation in the fall of 2023.  She slept in my bed every night for about a month. I took her to restaurants and bars and music and comedy shows, we laughed, we soaked in the beauty of Colorado. I made a couple TikToks with her and my friend Brandy. When I came out of the bathroom at the comedy show, I saw her phone screen and she was messaging with someone going by "Keanu Reeves" - she had a habit of getting duped by scammers and buying gift cards to send them money. I like to think she fed a few families in a third world country for at least a year, because it was thousands of dollars. Even when I told her she was getting scammed, she couldn't help herself, she was hooked and I'm guessing it got her excited. When I brought up some of the ways she hurt me as a kid, she really listened, she wasn't defensive and didn't act like a victim, she genuinely apologized. It was so powerful I can't help but cry writing it out. 

She dealt with pain and inflammation for years, but when she talked on the phone, when she heard from her kids, she was ON. A few months before she passed, she asked me to keep checking in on her. I let her know I'd be there, if she needed me to go to her, I'd be there - just say the word. She's been there for me so many times. She never did tell me to come, but I am very comforted knowing that dad and two of my brothers were around when she needed anything. Especially Jarred, who would remove the cover from the swing anytime mom wanted to sit outside, then put the cover back on when she was done. I remember once when mom and I got pissed at each other and I was dishing out what she was serving right back to her and Jarred had to come and talk to me about it later on and tell me I couldn't do that to her. While I felt completely justified in treating her the way she was treating me, he did make me realize I had the power in me to choose another way. Poor guy had a hard time with two wild women in the house. Hahaha. I love my family so much.

 

You're So Vein

 While taking a shower last night I paused and looked at my hands, palm sides. Maybe it was the lighting or temperature or something, but the tiny veins in my hands were so visible. Every tiny crease and vessel were cartoonish, distinct and colorful. I said to my self "that's me"... "this is me?" and started to grimace. Immediately after the initial "blegh" I started to notice the beauty in the branching veins and blues and purples. Like roots, like earthly design. I thought about palm reading and the amazing work our hands, my hands, have accomplished with art, craft, carrying, soothing, touching. It became self love and I kissed the fleshy, soft thumb-heal part. Then turned my hands over and kissed the tops like I was courting me. It's wild because I didn't even really think about it, I just did it, it was a new reaction I somehow suddenly developed. Kissing someone else I love has always been easy, but how magical that I acted so sweetly to my own self! 

Makes Scents

 I tend to blaze through work once I sit at my desk. Then I have a little time to eff around before the phone calls start rolling in. I miss working with Brandy, she's been working elsewhere for over six months now - the world is so unfair. A small cast is fine, but the remaining people don't care to host a pot luck like she did. With her quiche and laugh, what a freakin' prize that Brandy is! What do I bring? I just chug through work and am sporadically funny, but I'm not going to play "guess my fart" with anyone else. Her feelings were right there on her sleeve, so feminine and beautiful. Le sigh. May she never change. Can't wait to hang out with her again.

 Ooooo, I get to go to some hot springs later this month with an ol' friend! Boy do I need it. 

 Ooooo, there's a Cackle of Crones that meet in an apartment downstairs and I've been going over there lately. The services are right up my alley, practicing gratefulness, energetic, and more intuition based than the patriarchal system I was raised in. Woof, I don't think I could sit through another service where I'm told how incomplete and sinful we are. Like, look, I'm complete AND a part of a bigger picture, ok? My "sins" are there to add spice to this cosmic gumbo, ok? Thanks for the years of making me feel like men and their ideas were more important, I'm good. Haha.

MaTOOR

 It's very nice feeling settled in my brain. Not having to make decisions hastily and feeling well-rounded has my stress levels manageable. Envisioning a plot of land with a creek and remembering the smell of dark soil, the cool feeling of a shaded little spot on earth - it's where my mind goes every chance I give it. 

 The weight of depression I felt nipping at my heels the last few months is dissipating. Anxiety and depression are so contagious for me, unfortunately. They're easy for me to spot and so hard for me to handle appropriately. Like seeing a cave and being drawn to it naturally. Letting it hold me and tell me everything else is too dangerous. Good thing I have no choice but to leave. Too bad when a hermit I befriended takes it so personal. 

 What better way to carry on than to be a balanced, healthy individual? There's a handy gauge that I've developed through life that triggers a little warning light. When I look under the hood, it may take some deciphering, but it's incredible to finally figure out how I work and what might not be working so well. What fluids to top off, where I'm leaking, what wires are crossed. The song "Little Red Corvette" played on the radio this morning, there's no escaping some external influence.

 Now, who's gunna drive me GOOOOOOD and SLLLOOOOWWW? 

Pro Duece

 We got a comedy special we're producing this month for a local comedian, that's going to be an incredible time. It's amazing that I get to do dope shit with a tight crew and performers that are eager to prove they're professional and dependable and talented. 

 The life balance lately has been good, work is rolling along smoothly, the kids are awesome and Roland has been becoming my li'l athlete. We've been playing tennis like my mom and I used to, so sweet. Naomi is rigging a scorpion character in Blender that pulls a covered wagon and I'm DYING, she's so GOOD! She mentioned a book she's been wanting to read called "House of Leaves" that looks pretty mind boggling, so I ordered that for her birthday next month. Sweet 16! I'll have to get her out to practice driving more and get her hooked up with a permit. She'll eventually thank me, but she does seem pretty hesitant at this point. Drivers of Colorado Springs are all over the place. I didn't drive until I was 18, and by then it didn't seem that such a big deal.

 Hoping that AI replaces me at work soon and I can go live in a mound of dirt. WOOO!

 

Schobizz

 There have been torturous, tortuous points in my life. With purpose, though, I say this: I'd do it all over again. My faith lies in no man, man-made agenda or teachings. While many are using their own words to translate what they've learned for themselves, it's not another human that is the source. While they can help us feel like we're on the right or wrong path, they've never been on anyone else's path to know where it actually ends up going for a person that isn't them.

Even when I'm tired of being strong, I need to lean into it. Letting another person do the work that is mine to do is a quick way to give up power, which I will regret at some point down the road. The work of building a support system, for instance. For me, I never felt I belonged in the middle of a formed group, insulated from other groups. The edge always appealed, that's where my gifts became evident. That's where some may become afraid. My support system right now gets it too. A valance electron keeping things energized, though getting a lot of one thing and none of another is very popular in some circles. Opportunities can be found.

Having fun is important. 

Stoff

 Been cohosting shows with Vincent-boyfriend over the last few months. About once a month. It was at his studio space which became hostile, so this Friday our next show/taping is at my favorite venue, Frisky's!

Our theme is Break Up Day, which is observed a week after Valentine's Day and is (in my opinion) more interesting. No one has asked me to be their Valentine yet. They have asked for a massage though. Haha. What a comfort I must be. 

My cousin Matthew is moving back out here next week! With his beautiful girlfriend and her two boys, I'm so happy! Her and I have a lot in common, sense of adventure, grit, a will to stay strong and make life fun and have goals. She immediately was on board with the land plan and has... AMBITION?! So exciting! She has a competitive side too and even won a pickle-eating contest!!! How can you not love her?! She's allowed to be my sister.