Map Body

There's a lot to say about this picture from a rough September four years ago. I was stressed out, so worried I'd have to drag my kids back to a homeless shelter. After working as a nanny through the summer just to pay the rent. I had no money and no job when school started and the room I was renting was in a house that "had to be sold" as part of a divorce agreement and I had to move out. I was allergic to my life and got these painful, itchy hives. There are plenty of things or people I could blame for this situation, plenty of people I could be angry at for not helping us more, plenty of reasons to avoid my problems in some way. 

Today, I am able to enjoy my work, provide for my family, get enough rest, study the topics I find important and interesting, work toward big and small goals at my own pace, support my friends/neighbors/family in all kinds of ways, and I especially love that I can cook food in my own kitchen. My level of gratefulness for very simple amenities is probably annoying.

In the past four years I've learned a lot about myself and even though I'd already gone to therapy years prior, I've been using those tools I was shown more and more thoughtfully with each terrible choice I lived through and overcame. Choices I really didn't think were all that bad, yet I can admit when I'm wrong and they were just AWFUL in spite of how wholesome I thought I was being.

The reason I'm posting this is because I believe this tumultuous era is ending very soon. Recent conversations I've had, dreams, thoughts, prayers, accomplishments, feelings, observations - and pretty much everything - is telling me to ready myself for wonderfully bright days ahead. 

Tooz-Daze N 2022!!!

The kids and I set a goal to share a two-minute video every Tuesday in 2022. Clearly, we are not used to putting forth this amount of effort into our creative endeavors together as a family - each of us gives a crap about different things. BUT, we all love watching YouTube and all desire to get better at making content for this platform because it is just so open and wild. Enjoy!

12 Flavors

 Not to brag, but I received two gifts for Christmas. Both are drinkable. First, my dear cousin gave me a bottle of my favorite coconut water that I bought with SNAP benefits earlier in the week and he had hidden (and I was actually looking for yesterday, haha). Second was 12 different infused vodkas in sweet hand-labeled bottles from my amazing friend Brandy. Hazelnut, vanilla, lavender, cinnamon, coconut, lime, etc... really nice! I am going to her place tomorrow to make pear butter too. She's a great friend, probably the most loyal and generous person I've met. She rejects the thought of relying on someone else that doesn't sincerely want to help her. She makes it a point to be strong enough to go above and beyond.

I feel that. 

It's smart to be self-sufficient. It also feels good to help people when they're struggling, which is actually how I met her. The kids and I were in a homeless shelter with other mothers and children. It was what my then husband could afford for us, since I had just moved back from Florida after leaving him 6 months earlier and he had never been dependable enough to pay the bills for the length of a lease for as long as I'd known him. He reached out to strangers online to find a room to rent and found Brandy. Out of a complete mess came a life-long friend, so I have no regrets - especially as my life and choices continue to get better and better. Brandy and her then husband had a basement room with its own bathroom, and I've never had to go back to a shelter since. I've also never had to offend anyone with my beliefs. She is a wonderful Christian and doesn't fear open discussions about any topic under the sun. She split from her then husband and my then husband became a drunken, abusive psycho that we called the police on (again) so it was Brandy and I and our 4 kids for the summer. She got a job, and I watched the kids - we had our own little economy. Oddly, when she ended up selling the house as part of her divorce, I depended on my then husband again for a place to live. I suppose it was because I wanted him to provide for his children as I had been doing - even though he was still not taking care of his mental health. We stayed in another basement (far less comfortable, but still a great older woman that owned the home). Eventually I was able to find a job, then upgrade to a better job, then find a great deal on an apartment. Which is where I am now. The husband followed but couldn't hold it together for long and the police carted him off again for the last time. That was over two years ago now. All of the damage has not been undone, nor can it be, really. It is good to plainly see the damage though, to realize what I have control over. And so, so good to have my friend Brandy. And shout out to Cousin Matthew for keeping me from drinking the coconut water for a day:)

Diff Strokes

Have we been celebrating our differences? How do we do that? Like, how do I expose myself to people different than me? If we're actually interested in doing such a thing it seems that we should be aware of our own smallness first. We want to offer up ourselves as a bit of a precious little gift, we certainly have just as much to offer as anyone else. Are we smarter than other people? Fuck to the NO. That's not how people work. No matter how much we think we know, there are unknown variables that we can never know. Not ever. Are we going to win everyone over with kindness? Fuck to the NO. You will never please the entirety of humankind or even just twelve people at once, probably. Judas in the house, bitches. jk.

It's great feeling comfortable in a wide variety of places and settings and finding beauty in other cultures. It's not like there's a big event for literally everyone, though. Is there? Most groups have an event and say everyone is welcome, but let's face it, most folks ain't going to that. 

In my past, I went around to homes and knocked on people's doors to discuss the bible and that if they wanted to make it a whole thing they could have a world-wide family of mostly decent, well-meaning people they could call brothers and sisters. My strengths were not in converting anyone, but I felt like I was pretty good at befriending the existing members that felt they were kind of weird. Like, reminding them that being weird is not an indication that something is wrong with you, simply being human is an indication that something is wrong with you, so let's make art and laugh. I do miss a congregation setting as I've parted ways with this organization, but I can get the same social high at the bar I frequent on open mic night. The feeling that I'm helping others is a bit low and it has crossed my mind on many occasions that visiting strangers at their homes is still technically allowed. Just to talk about beliefs or feelings or current life events. If they're open to another visit, we can make arrangements. It sure would confuse people, showing up and being like, "Hi, my name is April. I know you weren't expecting me, but, like, how ARE you?" and then invite them to a comedy show or something. 

My Dad

I'm just thinkin' 'bout my dad. He's cool. There's not a soul that dislikes him (at least for any valid reason). He deserves to have and do anything he ever wants. When someone goes and says, "no one is special" I say "hold up" and show 'em my dad and they're like, "SAY WHAT?! ...I was wrong."

I don't even idolize him and all of the above is just so absolutely true. He wouldn't have raised me to do such a thing, ya know.

Old Weighs

 I got a pork loin marinating in the fridge for the night. 

My night is going well. I just told my 12-year-old daughter to get off the computer since it was 9:00pm (which was thoughtfully negotiated). But then I can hear her through the door mocking me saying:

"blah blah blah"

It turned out to be a perfect opportunity to teach. Clearly she was trying to make fun of me to seem cool "in front of" her online friend. So I came in and let her know that she shouldn't be making fun of me for trying to look out for her health - and now she hates my guts. Haha. She sure taught me.

2 Many Sines

Jeesh, I haven't blogged in a hot minute. It's probably because I can't block certain people from reading it and I wish I could. So here it is, stuff I don't mind saying to every living person that may be looking:

I'm tired, people are sweet, they should act like it more. We need to let go of SO much in order to turn things into what we actually want and need. Like, don't even worry about the things that aren't life-sustaining. If you didn't justifiably risk your life for it, let that shit go. Time sensitive should have to do with saving a life, not getting something cool in time for an event that is purely for entertainment, fun, or unimportant tradition. Some self-important dick shouldn't convince you you're worthless if you can't assist them with their vision (and with haste). Open up to opportunities to say no because a lot of times it's not that they're asking a question - it's a demand and we only have so much energy, especially for those things that merely suck out our life force without reward or connection.

"Do it this way" - NO

"Work this weekend" - NO

"Work 40 hours every week" - NO

"Pretend you don't have children so you'll be more available to our company" - NO

"Do these things to someone else that you know would piss you off" - NO

"Quit trying to make things better" - NO

I've been avoiding actually saying "no" though. It's not in my nature. They don't actually make the above statements, it's very much how it feels like they're talking. And even when I say "I'll try", I'm sure they feel like I'm saying no. Having a job is an endless negotiation I'm tired of working through. Mainly because I don't have much faith in our current patriarchal set up. Some call it Satan's system. It's men. They just spent all this time doing things their way and everyone's like, "this sucks" and carries on like there's nothing new they can try that hasn't been explored NEARLY enough.

Tune in next time for a revealing blog about making things suck less and how YOU can join the movement.