7-eleven

The tradition of eating 7-eleven food continues this year with an amazing find:

Had the word "select" not been on the bag, I wouldn't have imagined purchasing this fine product. A superb addition to the Reese's, nachos, Slim Jim, croissant breakfast sandwich, Kit Kat, Starburst and iced coffee.

2011: overall, it has been a terrible year filled with empty calories and confusion.

The Secret

My pancakes: whole wheat, orange, dark chocolate chips.

This is the most gangsta picture of a pancake I do believe I've ever seen. Minus the stupid floral plate. My mom acquired so many sunflower items in the 90's. I guess she thought if all she got was stuff with sunflowers on it, it was bound to go with her decor. I was able to greatly reduce the amount of sunflowers during a move,  and all we are left with are some plates. No more sunflower wallpaper or cups or large sunflower/tree thing in a pot or throw blanket or stenciling or clock or various tins/containers/bowls! I do love actual sunflowers. Back to the pancake... It's rapper name is Hole Weet and it has a new album out called Maple Syrup Butts that's expected to go platinum in a couple of hours. bye.

Scotty

Who makes homemade biscotti? April Compo does.

 I know, I know...

WHY don't I live closer to you?
Man, I really like coffee and a biscotti. It's been cold in the house today. So perfect for a hot beverage.
Anyways... I just made a bracelet for Nay. She is such a girl. I like Ren & Stimpy. I wish cigarettes weren't bad for people. I'm ready for a nap, or maybe I should just have some coffee. mmmmmm

Pork It

Hi. I like digging. I'm making bread right now. I put milled flax in it. It's kind of a boring day. I guess that's normal. I started making another paper mache thing. Here it is:

A pig face to hang on the wall. It's drying. It takes a lot of layers to make this stuff. It helps to make lots of things at once. I'm also in the process of making a pair of little geese:

Naomi likes Kix. It's dreary 'round these parts. Jason makes good breakfast sandwiches. I want to drink some tea. I'm going to experiment with tea and spices. Buh-bye.

Inhabit

I just did this to a chair:

sprayed it yellow, then applied a clear polycrylic mixed with a drop of black paint to dull the bright yellow (which also made it crackled) and reupholstered it with a black and white fabric seen here:

It's just the right amount of hideous! I have a head cold right now and I just want all of you out there to know: I'm available for weddings and grape stomping.  

Dwell

I've been doing stuff to our room to make it more... I don't know... personalized? cozy? organized? all of it. We don't have a closet so we bought a few things from Home Depot to fashion our own solution, because the cheesy, little clothes rack we used to have broke quite some time ago and it wasn't big enough anyway.

 (the above image is reversed because it's actually a mirror)

...see. and now for some more pictures of the room --->

 Norman Rockwell + naked Africans

I find the monkey statue really gives the room that "there's something just not right in here" feeling that can only be topped by throwing in some pale pink curtains. You love it.

Occupy

I've been feeling full of testosterone lately. My blemishes are flourishing and my armpit hair is growing rapidly. It kind of just sounds like a hygiene issue when I spell it out like that. I've also been wanting to camp in a van that has been sitting on my parent's property for the last 4 years collecting spiderwebs (which leads me to believe there could be spiders). So over the last few days I've been cleaning it out, I took out a couple chairs, scrubbed it down. I haven't seen a living (or dead) thing in it. That's pretty encouraging. No more old webs, and the smell is even unnoticeable. I want to make it a sweet little camper. It doesn't run, unfortunately, but we already live in the woods. Naomi is popping bubble wrap. I am jealous.

You'll notice the "festive" lights, they were in the attic of the house when my family moved in along with a lovely portrait of the ugly family that once lived here. So I put 'em in the van (the lights, not the portrait) and now it looks like a party. MAN, it gets DARK out here. The stars are beautiful. Hey little kids, wanna sleep over in my sparkley van?

In Da Hood

There is a darkness looming over the tree tops. A darkness that isn't welcome. Will this small, redneck town that doesn't even seem to notice the looming darkness be able to survive? What has been happening out there, deep in the woods? Down in the "sink hole"? I cannot say...

...I can only say there will be a story to tell if one lives to tell it.

Twenty Bird

Lesbians love Tweety bird. What's up with that? I hate television. I wish there were more variety shows. I wish people weren't so into drama. There are tons of acorns falling around this house. I can't go outside barefoot. I got a new charger/USB cord for my camera. From China. I've been taking some video of Naomi. She sure is an entertainer. sigh... I'm hoping to make a picture story with Jason one-o-these days. I even made a paper mache prop for it and it looks GOOD. Time just seems to escape us on his days off of work. I applied for a job a couple days ago, it's only two days a week. That would be awesome. I could really use some time away from this house. Muh. I like shrimp.

Crustables

They sell peanut butter & jelly sandwiches without the crust in the freezer section of your local grocery store. With THAT out of the way, I'm here to tell you about the fabulous world of paper mache: it's fabulous. I started making a few things today, what an enjoyable and CHEAP craft. Flour, water and paper. No, not fancy paper. Old newspaper. Of course, you could add in some masking tape and cardboard and acrylic paint and, if you want a glossy appearance, a clear coat of water-based polyurethane. I found a website that inspired me: ultimatepapermache.com  wow. That chick is GOOD. And where is she residing? Oregon. I've never been there, is it swarming with various mosquitoes? I don't even care, I just want to surround myself with beer-drinking vegans and paper mache artists. I want the people around me to think it's awesome that I live in an old van with a hammock and that I make money by selling crocheted halter tops for babies on etsy.com. Ya know? Otherwise I'll just have to start taking medication.

Nutz

How can I get away with never buying bread from the store again? I was thinking I could make lots of dough all at once and freeze some. Maybe I'll just forget about it and keep buying bread. I've got to make some sourdough though... and biscuits. I must perfect biscuits. I need to make a list of things I want to accomplish before I realize I need a job again. My camera cord broke, the daughter decided it was a jump rope. I miss it. I'd really like a better camera anyways. One of the things on the list should be to sell $500 worth of art/crafts/baked goods. I painted a picture today to hang in the bathroom. I would have posted a picture but... ya know. Have you ever seen an artist post their own art on Craigslist and you want to tell them that it's not worth a nickel and a corndog, but they claim they're "selling for way less than it's worth." and they're selling it for $95? I'm not doing that. I'm not painting poorly proportioned fairies or dragons or Bob Marley (sorry Jason) or lame attempts at "abstract". I'm sticking with wolves howling at the moon that resembles a native-American dream catcher. Duh. Hahaha, that reminds me of this strange refrigerator magnet I saw recently: there was a native-American couple holding each other super-intimately with feathers in their flowing hair and there was a scripture on it. I wish I could remember what the scripture was... but it made no sense. 

Routeen

We're going to the beach today. I have a feeling we won't be living in Florida forever, seeing as my husband and child don't fare well with the insect bites on the skin. Poor babies. I wish we could afford to move somewhere else. I really think we're just gunna win some large but reasonable sum of money, I don't need a million... maybe like, $25,000 (without gambling). I mean, I'd certainly take a million. Mmmm, salty water. I love the beach. I can't wait to come to Florida on vacation. I think I need to go to some destination that we decide on and find a job and apartment whilst the husband works here and my parents can do some babysitting, but I'm basically just thinking out loud right now. Very loud. what?

Turquoise

Man, I like dessert. Lately I've been expecting dessert after dinner and I especially want it when it's not around. Right now I could go for some chocolate mousse. Warm waffles with strawberry ice cream, chocolate syrup and crushed peanuts sounds pretty good. Sopapillas with honey! Carrot cake and coffee! OH! You can never go wrong with brownies, with so many walnuts, and fresh whipped cream on top. A big ol' biscotti with an espresso shot. Creme brulee. Tiramisu. Orange souffle with chocolate sauce. Cupcakes with a pile of frosting and sprinkles. Soft peanut butter cookies. At this point I'm just hurting myself. Sigh... ooooo, Seinfeld is on. What a great show. Thank god for distractions.  

Snap Draggin'

The King has entered the building. *wink*
Naomi calls the umbrella "tut tut" and movies are "boobies".
Anus is a funny word. Heh heh.
All apple juice has arsenic. All of it.
I promise I will never dress my daughter like a prostitute.
I kinda wanna go bowling...

sorta.

Death is Everywhere

There are flies on my license plate, for a start. Reminding us we could be torn apart. Tonight.
This is just gross:

It sounded like it was raining one night, but it wasn't. It was bugs getting hit by my car. I bought groceries today, good stuff, like: carrots, spinach, celery, lettuce, and steak. I love steak. I can eat it once in a while, but not too much or it doesn't seem to want to digest. I feel so good when I do eat steak, must be the iron. Medium rare. Oooooo, I can't wait!

Conversate

My  mom thinks "conversate" is a word. It should be, but it would cause adverse effects to the word converse, which would then only be used as a shoe brand name. My mom only says the word "conversate" with a more-than-usual southern, or hick, accent. Ah! Why aren't we powering our houses with wind and sun? Why do we need so much? I want to reduce everything so much as of late. I'm so glad we have compost, we just throw our food scraps in a pile and... what's THIS? A couple tomato plants? A few bell pepper stalks? There was no intention, but we'll take it and make salsa, fool. There is a strong pull on me to get chickens, but I don't know about that. Stayed tuned for updates. Wow, I really enjoyed conversating with you today...

Champagne

If ever you're in Florida, and you enjoy "Muscadine" wine, the Lake Ridge winery is a loverly producer of the beverage. Located on the skirt of Clermont, Florida, complimentary tours are 45 minutes in duration and I really enjoy their red table wine. Very earthy and undoubtedly Muscadine. I just had the sparkling wine tonight and now my cheeks are just as pink as the beautiful sparkling wine (champagne) that caused said pinkness. I've discovered having a drink makes me want to blog.

I ran barefoot in the sand today, I don't think I've ever been so sweaty. I've been playing tennis a little more regularly lately too. I like that sport. I'd like to lose about ten more lbs and it is reluctant to part from me.

I had a strange feeling last night, my body was tired and my brain was over-active and it felt like I had another head floating out of my head, like I was trying to escape my own body. I had to talk myself out of floating away. Thankfully I was able to convince myself to stay, but I don't necessarily want my body to hold me back from doing whatever my brain wants to do. Although floating away and visiting someone would have been nice, but they wouldn't have seen me anyways, since my body was still at home. Yep, I'm crazy...

crazy-sexy-cool

Reward

People love cats. Like, probably too much. I don't love them TOO much, but I can see the attraction, they're beautiful and bury their poop and catch rodents and you can pet 'em. This is my cat "Favorite" making the most of her stupid life by getting unstuck from the tree she got herself stuck in:

Then I used her to dispose of some left-overs which happen to be...

sardines! I think she enjoys her stupid life.

Croak

GASP!

What is this subject upon which my headlights glowed
This detestable little gremlin hopping queerly in the road?
'Tis neither mouse nor finch nor little, gleeful creature that has showed
but none other than the frowning, putrid, hateful, monstrous toad
I cringe to think a creator enforce that life to him be owed
and I make a final decision to release him of his load
Steering steadily with certainty, aiming so that he'll be mowed
A fleeting calmness enveloped me when I sensed his guts explode
Then my thoughts turned to the slime-pit he once called his abode
There could have been a winsome future with his tadpoles that have growed
and now they lack a father, 'tis my head upon which his blood has surely flowed.
-April Compo

It's Muggy Down Here

I've been enjoying the never-ending supply of mug shots available online these days:

This person is pretty adorable. Like an old, racist cartoon. White Face.

This one is quite the catch as well. If you like B.O. and bad checks. That former neck-area-turned-chin sure looks soft. The extreme part in the hair ALMOST distracted me from it. And friends, there are many, many more where these came from. Be careful though, you might come across someone you recognize. Then it's uncomfortable. Just ignore it.

That's Astronaughty

Let's think for a moment about a traumatic event in your life. They're the easiest events to recall. Probably you have thought about it over and over before reading this blog. Now really let the moment sink in, give yourself a few more seconds before reading on...

...Now rethink the traumatic event but this time as if it occurred in outer space, everything and everyone around is floating. Makes it seem a lot more fun doesn't it?

This is what happens to my brain when I am dealing with stress. There comes a point when I can't keep myself from thinking about what would happen if [insert hilarious circumstance]? Well, I came home to find my husband unconscious and covered in vomit*... there's pickles in the vomit**. Haha, pickles. But now they're floating around! I don't mean to portray myself as unsound, just open. I enjoy life more when it has been injected with undue humor. We can go on forever wishing things didn't happen, or we can grieve for a good while and then move on without the limb that was blown off by a mine and is now floating around*** an unknown location that you're hoping is in front of the face of the person that thought it was a good idea to invent mines (even though they were around somewhere between the third and 13th century in China), that butthole.   

*For example
**Totally true!
***Yes, we're still doin' the no gravity thing, but I don't know if mines would work very well without gravity.

House Whiff

The People's Court. I love the dude narrating at the start of each case. What's up with him? SIGH...

It's a sample picture that came with the computer. Welp, gotta go change the biggest pee-filled diaper I've ever laid eyes on. Have a nice day, enjoy the higher debt ceiling everyone!

Times

This world will not last forever. I just let the outdoor cat into the house. She is seven to eight years old. I loved her since she was mere hours old when I found out she was born on our back porch. It seems like such a long time ago, her mother was also our cat named Penguin. She had five kittens: Captain Falcon, Alex, Cupcake, Pooty, and the one I chose to keep, my favorite kitten. I named her Favorite. She is an excellent mouser and very lean and muscular. The mouse she recently killed was devoured by ants in the front yard. The skeleton was cool. Then the rain washed it away I assume. I can't imagine not existing, I really wish I could.

 Naomi decided it would be a good idea to carry her little purse with her teeth the entire time the cat was in the house. She thought it would be cat-like and make the cat comfortable around her. I guess.

Soul Mate

The first thing I told my husband (before we met) was: "You're my soul mate." No, I don't believe in "soul mates", but I had a couple of drinks in me and the world was a ball of butter and this guy behind me made me laugh. Badda boom badda bing. He couldn't help but fall in love with me either. I think it's a pretty good sign when both of you think you are the winner.

I killed a big red velvet ant aka "cow killer" with a stick today. The exoskeleton was so hard! But I couldn't have it running around killing cows.

What's Today's Date?

7/20

My child just ate her first hot dog... it's a sad day.

 But we did hang out at this sweet playground earlier.
I'm really thirsty!

White Waters in the Mornin'

This is the face I make when I look into your window

This is the face I make when I look into your window.

This is the face I make when I look into your window.

This is the face I make when I look into your window.

This is the face I make when you look into my window.

It's Mushy

It has been raining a butt-load around here. Strange things start to pop up overnight...

Speaking of butt-load, check out THIS mushroom (above). Is it edible?

Then you've got your dreidel variety. With optional stripey cat...

your ordinary Disney cartoon-mouse umbrella variety. All of these things are within ten feet of each other in our yard. And last, but not prettiest...

Kind of like a Spanish Dancer fish mixed with fake vomit. I'm going to my grandma's house tonight... I should return that book I borrowed from her 15 years ago.

Being Informative

I just ate THEE best onion rings. Simple, simple onion rings. Slice 'em, flour 'em, batter 'em, bread crumb 'em, fry 'em, eat 'em, digest 'em, poop 'em, eat 'em again (do NOT really eat poop). Burger King has a delicious onion ring dipping sauce, much like that which is served with the "Bloomin' Onion" of Outback Steakhouse, or the "Awesome Blossom" of Chili's. Ah, the humble onion, if you don't like it perhaps you need medication. I like Christian Bale's Batman voice. I admit it!

Are You Kidding Me?!

The number one ingredient in Triscuit rosemary crackers is "whole grain soft white winter wheat"
My daughter crapped on the ledge of the tub without a trace of poop elsewhere.
"Magical Thinking"
 Curry!!!

Sittin' a House

I'm house-sitting this weekend. There's a pool. I made cookies. Life is good.
   I love realistic animatronic animal suits. I used to pretend to be a variety of animals when I was little. I still like to run on all fours sometimes. I scared my husband this morning running down the hall toward him. I used to put socks on my hands & feet and fashion a tail from some long, thin article of clothing.
    Kids are so much closer to the ground than adults. Not because of height necessarily. Remember 'rollie pollies' aka pill bugs? Where did they go? I used to spend so much time outside without adult supervision. Digging and climbing and playing so blissfully. Making mud pie with acorns, messing with the neighbors dog, going beyond the back gate where weird potato-ish things would grow and my dad told me he'd give me a nickel for each one I collected. I used to explore whatever reachable space I could get to. Any adult that does the same is, in my opinion, probably ADHD.
    Now I got this (nearly) two-year-old only kid that needs just as sweet of a childhood as any other monkey-brat. She likes to pretend to be a cat. She licked my face while I was sleeping on the couch so as to wake me. I love her.

return of paint

Aaaaaaand THIS one is my child's face on a bunny I drew with paint. She actually ate Cheetos (giving her the orange goo around her mouth), but I figured it was orange and carrots are orange and bunnies like carrots and my daughter likes bunnies. She does NOT care for ferrets, however.

paint

I've been exploring the possibilities of crappy ol' paint on the computer.

    "I own a gun and I love Velveeta." I took this photo while we were having a "no class" night with our friends Mark and Leann. We ate Hot Pockets and Spam and microwavable White Castle burgers. Of course a Pabst Blue Ribbon was perfect for washing it down our throats. Then we drew tattoos on each other with a pen.

 This is one I left on my husband's Facebook wall. I'm flexible and I want all of his Facebook friends to know.

...just kidding, I love how stupid I look. So, I was just listening to the news and someone got severely burned from a Bananas Foster dessert, haha, sad.

4

Do you have one of those recurring, mysterious numbers that keeps appearing, making you feel all weird? I'm sure it's nothing, but I've always noticed the number 720. In addresses, on the clock, as a bus number, phone number, price, etc. as if it's being shoved in my face. I first noticed it while attending middle school in south Florida. Eleven years old. I don't know why, but I get this feeling like it's a sign, but nothing really ever happens and I forget about it. so...
Anyways... I bought some shorts today. They're proving to be a great investment. I never want to take them off. I also got an oil change and a library card. I'm pooped. Hey guys, I love Neosporin.

Zippo

Good Lord, it's June.
I'm in need of lasers and fog machines right about now. Strobey lights. Throbbing bass.
You know what's gross? Dead people.

(making a motorboat sound with my mouth)

Why do some people enjoy being a great source of exasperation? Do they GAIN ANYTHING?!!!

One time, I got hit in the face by a pie pan filled with shaving cream and for an undetermined length of time I felt like I was in a dream. 

Living in a non-childproof house with my daughter is like a hell that even Christendom would shutter at.

I hate when a guy wears shorts and then sits in such a way so that you can see directly into the leg hole all the way up to their area.

I'm going to miss incandescent light bulbs. 

Burning Desire

What is your guilty pleasure? Sounds so naughty... and MY guilty pleasure IS naughty (in a seven-year-old kid kind of way). I like to burn ants with a magnifying glass. I don't plan on killing larger animals for fun... maybe larger ants. I don't have many guilty pleasures. Just normal pleasures I suppose. Good beer. Playing in the sand. Dancing. Planting seeds and watching them grow... etc.

            My arugula!

Humble Bee

What do I want? Right now I want Tony Robbins to hold me in his massive arms and tell me I can do anything. I can make anyone I encounter as happy as Richard Simmons. I can lift 500 lbs. I can run 500 MPH. I can simplify with ease and regain energy and be clear in my thinking and pure of heart. I can be perfect already, with the ability to fly AND turn invisible. I can feed my friends and enrich their lives. I can try meth JUST ONCE. I want to hold all those I care about in my arms and press them against my bosoms (in a non-sexual way), and have them understand that everything I've ever done wrong is forgiven by God and then, in an instant, forgotten by them, and then they suddenly have an ultimate sense of balance and respect for self and fellow humans. I want to tenderly kiss the neck of someone who could really use a tender neck-kissing. You know who you are.

While My Eggplant Gently Weeps

I can sweat an eggplant without salt. All it takes is some interrogation. I asked this one where he was on the night the Gouda went missing- "I was in the crisper, I didn't see nothin'", he claimed. "This family doesn't keep eggplant in the crisper," I said,"as a matter of fact, the crisper was already full of lettuce and cauliflower before we brought your UGLY, purple face home! WHERE'S THE GOUDA?!" Check out those beads of sweat. He's gunna fry tonight, he had Eggplant Parmesan written all over him before he was even ripe. I can't stand a liar.

BANG(s)!

I don't ever want to be without bangs again. Why are they called bangs? I bet it's a funny story... I'll be 26 in ten days. What are 26-year-olds supposed to wear? I'm thinking they should wear things half as slutty as a teenager and half as shapeless as the Amish. If you go low-cut, it can't also be tight. If you go tight, it can't also be super short. If you wear spanx, you can't also breathe. If you put on heavy make-up, you can't also do your hair. If you are a mother, you can't also be relatively sane. Being 26 for me (as far as fashion sense) is about thinking about putting effort into how you look instead of not thinking about putting effort into how you look. What? I wish I could have an afro for a while.

Let's Mount Dora!

Jason and I just had a lovely evening last night at a little town called Mount Dora.

Delicious sunset

Ear Wacks

I was bathing the dog, Missy, today. Then a scorpion started it's way up my leg. Yeah, this forest is not for the entomophobic. I hosed it off and continued. It is quite literally a jungle out here.

It looks pretty cool in pictures though. Do I want to live here forever? My thoughts right now are: Not really, maybe if we had our own place... drenched in pesticide and with a rockin' AC. That doesn't sound healthy. I need friends. Where did my life go? Where did little, beloved April Cook go? She went to Colorado and changed her last name... so

she's gone.

Run, Red Man, Run

i like i really like i enjoy i crap i LOVE the beach you guys. Let's go!

You've got the idea Jason!

Woo Hoo! Sandcastle! Note to Jason: wear sunscreen next time

"Tell that lady to put a shirt on"

Fish Taco

I had a Fish Taco for dinner  -With bass from a spring-fed lake mere minutes away from this house. With a Newcastle. I saw a snake today.

Parasites

I'm pretty sure I have parasites making me super hungry. I keep meaning to do a cleanse, or fast for a while, but then I get hungry and forget. There was a big flying insect following me around during my walk in the woods and so I ran and ran. Usually those big buzzy suckers fly around me once and piss off, but this one was intimidating me beyond what my fragile nerves could handle, so I ran around in a big circle and was finally able to shake him/her. I think it was a black "Mud Dauber": google it - scary. AND there was a huge dead mouse in the sand I was walking in. AND, yesterday, I saw what I believe to have been a "Carolina Wolf" spider WITH spiderlings on it's back, google it - gross. AND I moved a tarp and found a "Scorpion". AND I saw a coyote today. AND I dunked my head in the ocean today. You know what word is weird? -AND...

Franzia

YYYEEEESSSSS!!! This is the stuff ramblings are made of. So I begin:

What's with microwaves? Are they killing us? What do other countries think about them? They certainly aren't for cooking meats. They heat up left-overs quickly. Does the food cook our insides if we don't let it set for a time after microwaving?
What about tanning booths? Did that high school girl really cook herself from going several times in one day? What if she stood in front of an open microwave while it was cooking? Isn't it disgusting to think about a little kitten in a microwave?
It's really hot in this house in Florida. I'm damp with Franzia sweat. We're turning the air conditioning on. We ain't THAT old.