Hev-E

Whoa. Metal. I went to a show recently that was truly unforgettable. Daikaiju and Giardia were just wonderful.

(not a picture I took)

There was even a mosh pit I got involved in. I'd like to thank Sean Ostrow for the kind invitation and astute encouragement from right around the very second we met. I also took the opportunity to cry on Robert Romesburg's bosom, and would like to thank him for having a wise and comforting presence. This blog doesn't really get advertised, so maybe they'll never see these gracious words. The words are out there though. 

Yesterday I took the fam down to the Pueblo reservoir for the first time - actually pretty great. Especially as I get to missing my sun and surf in these warm, light-filled months. I've been reading a book call "When Things Fall Apart" and it sounds like maybe I'm reading it because things are falling apart, however, things are in a constant state of falling apart and it's great for learning to let go of that which is out of our control. I know I love my family and friends and self. It wouldn't make sense to cling to a way that prevented my growth and the broadening of my love just to avoid perceived pain. 

FreeDump

There are a lot of really great free things. Air, our senses, learning, talking, friendship, walking, pointing at stuff, taking a satisfying poop (outdoors), body heat, interesting rocks, percussive rhythm, story listening, singing, blinking, scratching, etc. etc. etc.

I just listened to a morning guided meditation, which had me feeling like a mountain stream going over a water wheel, powering my own dreams. When I think about my dreams I realize how simple I am - all I truly want is joy and love. Specifics don't interest me. There is something calling me and a meaningful path ahead of me and it hasn't been paved or maintained or lit or recognized by others as a path at all. The only way I see it is when I take a step further into it. How can one plan their route when the end goal is so obscure? When the dream is a feeling? When it is something that requires swift adaptation and effortless compromise? At least I can be organized in thought enough to write in a journal or blog. To hold a job and feed my kids. To maintain friendships and lessen their hardships and eat some tortilla chips with various types of dips - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. There's a place for me in the universe and it really doesn't matter what my immediate surroundings think about it - here I am. Not taking up too much space. Not being demanding. What I need comes to me when I actually need it and I used to feel so desperate. What happens when all your life you're regularly told how many hours per month you should feel inclined to share your faith with other humans (and that faith has DETAILS, baby!)? It may be about sacrifice, you tell yourself. Then that's great to hear, because I'm sacrificing a great deal to find the truth about love. I'm not afraid of men or their laws or expectations - I'm not afraid of the women that will support these ideas until death - I'm not afraid of being poor - I'm not afraid of being shunned - I'm not afraid of confrontation - I'm not afraid of thought, especially my own, wonderful thoughts. I was born an anti-cynic. My brain produces its own anti-depressants, it's starting to produce anti-anxiety chemicals too. How many hours a month do I preach now? ALL OF THEM! Hahahahahahahahahahaaha! Did you know that inanimate and dead things aren't jealous of us living things? They're just fine as they are. Trust me. Or don't.

2 Legit 2 B Quiet

I'm gaining the tools to cope with the stress that life brings. There's a ton of anxiety on the planet and when you don't even realize it has an effect on you, you don't even realize you can do anything about it. Excuses get in the way for sure, who really wants to be responsible for preparing for the utter crappiness that inevitably finds us? What if we don't have anyone to explain things to us in a way that makes sense? What if those that want to help us just make assumptions based on their own experiences? What if we think we're crazy? What if we ain't got time? What if we're told not to even have certain thoughts? What if we're told to stop crying or they'll GIVE us something to cry about? What if that same person loves you more than anyone else in the world has loved you?

It sure is difficult to separate the person from the behavior. It sure is difficult to accept that someone you love is not responsible for your happiness. Even with 99.99% good intentions there is a tiny, little bit that is doing it for themselves in some way. They want to prove something. This isn't terribly cynical or unrealistic, folks. Some would rather the person they "love" be forever unsuccessful than to accept that their way doesn't actually help everyone on the planet. Now THAT is unrealistic.

Taking my own mental health seriously has been a wacky journey, as I'm sure most are. Thankfully I have long-established habits that have kept me afloat in extremely rough times. Expressing myself openly, honestly, and creatively has and always will be a part of my life. That doesn't mean I should rant angrily, it doesn't mean I intend to offend, it doesn't mean I'm more important than anyone else. It's just what I do for me. It is always nice when others approve, relate, appreciate and encourage, but even if they didn't I would still do it. Imagine a place where all emotions are expressed in a healthy way. It's helpful to self-validate. There's no one to fight in this place.

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.