Am I?

 Woof, I've been toying with my identity lately. Always fancied myself as an artist - my very core tied up in this title. Distancing myself from this and other labels internally has been very sad. Feeling lost and unknown and empty - far beyond the intensity of leaving the religion I was in from birth until nearly thirty years old. I guess I just want to BE. At least for a time, to see what I've been blind to due to assumptions about myself and the universe. 

 Yet... I keep putting gas in my car, taking the kids to school, going to my office job, talking to the same friends, going to the same open mic, living in the same apartment, cooking the same meals, speaking the same language, surrounded by the same culture, day after day after day after day. Previously, I didn't identify as fearful but with a tiny bit of examination I see it now. Because I'd labeled myself as "tired", I don't stray far from my routine. Because I'd labeled myself as "thrifty", I don't spend money until a sense of urgency has developed. Because I'd labeled myself as "independent", I don't live anywhere near family. Because I'd labeled myself as "dependable", I'll stay right where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of someone else's wants. All seemingly "good" things. So why hasn't the universe rewarded me? Ha! It's as if I labeled myself as "deserving" or "worthy" and if I were to just quickly glance up from my self I'd see that all I'm owed is "this". So neutral and dauntingly up to my own overused brain to decipher.

2 Many Sines

Jeesh, I haven't blogged in a hot minute. It's probably because I can't block certain people from reading it and I wish I could. So here it is, stuff I don't mind saying to every living person that may be looking:

I'm tired, people are sweet, they should act like it more. We need to let go of SO much in order to turn things into what we actually want and need. Like, don't even worry about the things that aren't life-sustaining. If you didn't justifiably risk your life for it, let that shit go. Time sensitive should have to do with saving a life, not getting something cool in time for an event that is purely for entertainment, fun, or unimportant tradition. Some self-important dick shouldn't convince you you're worthless if you can't assist them with their vision (and with haste). Open up to opportunities to say no because a lot of times it's not that they're asking a question - it's a demand and we only have so much energy, especially for those things that merely suck out our life force without reward or connection.

"Do it this way" - NO

"Work this weekend" - NO

"Work 40 hours every week" - NO

"Pretend you don't have children so you'll be more available to our company" - NO

"Do these things to someone else that you know would piss you off" - NO

"Quit trying to make things better" - NO

I've been avoiding actually saying "no" though. It's not in my nature. They don't actually make the above statements, it's very much how it feels like they're talking. And even when I say "I'll try", I'm sure they feel like I'm saying no. Having a job is an endless negotiation I'm tired of working through. Mainly because I don't have much faith in our current patriarchal set up. Some call it Satan's system. It's men. They just spent all this time doing things their way and everyone's like, "this sucks" and carries on like there's nothing new they can try that hasn't been explored NEARLY enough.

Tune in next time for a revealing blog about making things suck less and how YOU can join the movement.

All Boils Down Ta

Turns out it's really fun to use an app to make me look like a man. Being encouraged to stay home and away from others in this current pandemic situation has led to some simple pleasures resurfacing for me. Video games are fun, Sudoku is wonderful, doing nothing is perfect, being grateful floats my boat.

I've been trying for years to make it back to where I am now, actually, where I am now is better than where I was before. I'm even working from home! Which is actually kind of a lot to get used to. If only I had two monitors and a way better chair. Dang I sound privileged. And yet, here I am with obscene levels of self-discipline and time management skills making something work that I've been curious about for a long time. While the kids are home from school (yet still on Spring Break) I gave them chores to do before screen time and they're such good li'l people. Taking out trash and doing dishes... getting on each others nerves finally. They're pretty mild mannered. I love them so much. Probably wouldn't be so self-disciplined without them. Who knows. Who cares? It's TOO LATE! haha.

While stuff is closed, it hasn't been all that different for me lately. I've already gone a few weeks without performing at the open mic on Mondays and have mainly been socializing at a smaller scale, a few folks over at a time or going to a friend's house on occasion. A friend is going to video chat with me later too. Nice to get used to online chatting as an ever-present option. I chatted with my brother yesterday - so good to see and hear him.

People are definitely keeping more to themselves. There are some people out there that depend on seeing strangers in public for a living, it has to be a scary time for people that live day-to-day. What are homeless people doing? I wonder if some of them will get so scared they seek family. I wonder what those families will feel obligated to do. I have hope that there will be a great rekindling of families and a rearranging of values that benefits everyone.

Foe Cuss

It sure is difficult to always remember to have faith, or to remember what that even means. That's what meditation helps me with the most. When I take a moment to stop and realize I require a breath to continue to go on, I start to remember that the air has always been there just when I needed it. So far at least. And my exhalation will benefit some other part of the universe. I've been feeding a lot of bugs lately, massive welts on my elbow with an itch that can't be ignored. What's the point of this discomfort? Perhaps to remember I was a part of something else's life. The itch may last longer than the lifespan of the stupid bug! A small price for me to pay for such a long, rich life of my own. Strip the earth of bugs and it would be uninhabitable for us. No such thing as a "stupid bug" it turns out.

Breathe in, breathe out. A simple and interesting system. Always depending on something else, something else always depending on us. We're responsible whether we want to be or not. Whether we can "handle it" or not. It has become incredibly helpful to remember that no matter how many times I haven't thought about it, took it for granted, even wished it wasn't the case: the next breath was always there.

Ooop, just saw a ladies booty crack at the library.

Sour Router

I posted a router on Craigslist three weeks ago and I finally got my first call today. I'm surprised so many people don't care about getting charged every month for something they could just buy once. Not everything has to be a service. I DO like Spotify though.

Weight loss. I'm losing weight lately - initially from stress and not having a car - but now I know how good it feels to fit into some old clothes I've been keeping around for the day I get "skinny" again. That is motivating. I was creeping dangerously close to 170 lbs, now I'm 140 and trying to get under 135, since that's when I'm not considered overweight for my 5'2" height. I've only been as low as 129 as an adult. My muscles always keep me a bit heavy, I'm a beefy breed and I don't mind at all. Like a bulldog person, but way sexier. It's nice to be able to hike in Colorado and I've been working out at the gym in my work building and taking advantage of the sauna. What a great place to meditate and dehydrate. It's the me-time I've been desperately seeking and didn't really believe I needed for way too long.

Today is the day my husband's mother passed away 27 years ago. Every time this date comes around again I realize how powerful mothers are.