2 Many Sines

Jeesh, I haven't blogged in a hot minute. It's probably because I can't block certain people from reading it and I wish I could. So here it is, stuff I don't mind saying to every living person that may be looking:

I'm tired, people are sweet, they should act like it more. We need to let go of SO much in order to turn things into what we actually want and need. Like, don't even worry about the things that aren't life-sustaining. If you didn't justifiably risk your life for it, let that shit go. Time sensitive should have to do with saving a life, not getting something cool in time for an event that is purely for entertainment, fun, or unimportant tradition. Some self-important dick shouldn't convince you you're worthless if you can't assist them with their vision (and with haste). Open up to opportunities to say no because a lot of times it's not that they're asking a question - it's a demand and we only have so much energy, especially for those things that merely suck out our life force without reward or connection.

"Do it this way" - NO

"Work this weekend" - NO

"Work 40 hours every week" - NO

"Pretend you don't have children so you'll be more available to our company" - NO

"Do these things to someone else that you know would piss you off" - NO

"Quit trying to make things better" - NO

I've been avoiding actually saying "no" though. It's not in my nature. They don't actually make the above statements, it's very much how it feels like they're talking. And even when I say "I'll try", I'm sure they feel like I'm saying no. Having a job is an endless negotiation I'm tired of working through. Mainly because I don't have much faith in our current patriarchal set up. Some call it Satan's system. It's men. They just spent all this time doing things their way and everyone's like, "this sucks" and carries on like there's nothing new they can try that hasn't been explored NEARLY enough.

Tune in next time for a revealing blog about making things suck less and how YOU can join the movement.

All Boils Down Ta

Turns out it's really fun to use an app to make me look like a man. Being encouraged to stay home and away from others in this current pandemic situation has led to some simple pleasures resurfacing for me. Video games are fun, Sudoku is wonderful, doing nothing is perfect, being grateful floats my boat.

I've been trying for years to make it back to where I am now, actually, where I am now is better than where I was before. I'm even working from home! Which is actually kind of a lot to get used to. If only I had two monitors and a way better chair. Dang I sound privileged. And yet, here I am with obscene levels of self-discipline and time management skills making something work that I've been curious about for a long time. While the kids are home from school (yet still on Spring Break) I gave them chores to do before screen time and they're such good li'l people. Taking out trash and doing dishes... getting on each others nerves finally. They're pretty mild mannered. I love them so much. Probably wouldn't be so self-disciplined without them. Who knows. Who cares? It's TOO LATE! haha.

While stuff is closed, it hasn't been all that different for me lately. I've already gone a few weeks without performing at the open mic on Mondays and have mainly been socializing at a smaller scale, a few folks over at a time or going to a friend's house on occasion. A friend is going to video chat with me later too. Nice to get used to online chatting as an ever-present option. I chatted with my brother yesterday - so good to see and hear him.

People are definitely keeping more to themselves. There are some people out there that depend on seeing strangers in public for a living, it has to be a scary time for people that live day-to-day. What are homeless people doing? I wonder if some of them will get so scared they seek family. I wonder what those families will feel obligated to do. I have hope that there will be a great rekindling of families and a rearranging of values that benefits everyone.

Smelling Goot

Hi everyone/anyone! It's Friday! So WHAT?!

Definitely preferring me some Fridays lately, maybe because I've been majorly slacking on my Monday open mic nights, which is KILLING me. Still, love me a Friday. Random singing is returning to my life, produced an amazing song during my bath last night. Not recorded, just sang. Fleeting artistic expression in just vibrations and breath. Pretty. Temporary, like all of it. When I perform, this is what I find. Memories, feelings and experiences are the stuff people try so hard to hold onto. They could be continually making more and accepting that more of that good stuff CAN and WILL come to be. Dwelling on old memories as golden days has a down side. "Did I peak?" "What if this is as good as it gets?"

Let's create new, incredible experiences. With the amassed knowledge that comes with existing longer and longer in this realm, it will be so much fun. Grab your lovers, family and friends by the hands and enjoy life! Kiss them babies, eat the potatoes, grow out the beard, try the gadgets, smell the blossoms, and squish your butt into the laundry basket on the video chat.

Ub Yooss

Lesson: DO NOT LET ANYONE STAY IN YOUR HOME WITHOUT A CONTRACT THAT STATES YOU CAN ASK THEM TO LEAVE AT ANY TIME AND THEY MUST COMPLY OR WILL BE CONSIDERED TRESPASSING

...or something like that. Phew!

See if my naive butt trusts a weirdo again.

UGH.

TrappR KeepR

The end of this week is wiping me out, bruh. Shouldn't have had any amount of fast food, much less the amount I consumed within the last few days.

INNIE WAIZE, it's going to be a magnificent weekend. Hiking, jamming, friending, parenting, healthing, stealthing, wealthing, breathing, and hopefully slightly less itchy eyeballs.

I'm bringing some wine over to a friend's house for some pizza and mommy times tonight. A friend recently moved to our side of town with kids my kids ages and I'm STOKED. Love me some west side shenanigans.

Last week I was recognized while I was out and about for my performance at the open mic I do regularly. What a cool celebrity status moment. haha. Being weird on a stage is paying off... sort of. This past week I stuck around and jammed with the bartender and another regular patron, we got so metal and it felt sooooo gooooooood to freak the fun out... for the one audience member that is also the host. She did say we're her new favorite band:D

Yesterday was emotionally rough AF, lots of crying and vulnerability thinking about how abused I was for so long. It's inexcusable. I mean, fast food doesn't help, but shit... SAD. How are you going to allow yourself to screw up so badly for so long? My entire soul rejects that possibility from ever stepping foot in my heart again. I love myself and my children. Many folks love me and my children. The wisdom of my grandma whispers in my ear "you're doing fine". It's only when some awful desperation settles in that my mind receives this lie on repeat telling me that the bullshit is unavoidable and probably deserved. Kindness, however, is undeserved. RIIIIIIIGHT. Done with that lie. Infinite access to love and joy is real, buddy. So eat my butt.