Makes Scents

 I tend to blaze through work once I sit at my desk. Then I have a little time to eff around before the phone calls start rolling in. I miss working with Brandy, she's been working elsewhere for over six months now - the world is so unfair. A small cast is fine, but the remaining people don't care to host a pot luck like she did. With her quiche and laugh, what a freakin' prize that Brandy is! What do I bring? I just chug through work and am sporadically funny, but I'm not going to play "guess my fart" with anyone else. Her feelings were right there on her sleeve, so feminine and beautiful. Le sigh. May she never change. Can't wait to hang out with her again.

 Ooooo, I get to go to some hot springs later this month with an ol' friend! Boy do I need it. 

 Ooooo, there's a Cackle of Crones that meet in an apartment downstairs and I've been going over there lately. The services are right up my alley, practicing gratefulness, energetic, and more intuition based than the patriarchal system I was raised in. Woof, I don't think I could sit through another service where I'm told how incomplete and sinful we are. Like, look, I'm complete AND a part of a bigger picture, ok? My "sins" are there to add spice to this cosmic gumbo, ok? Thanks for the years of making me feel like men and their ideas were more important, I'm good. Haha.

Pro Duece

 We got a comedy special we're producing this month for a local comedian, that's going to be an incredible time. It's amazing that I get to do dope shit with a tight crew and performers that are eager to prove they're professional and dependable and talented. 

 The life balance lately has been good, work is rolling along smoothly, the kids are awesome and Roland has been becoming my li'l athlete. We've been playing tennis like my mom and I used to, so sweet. Naomi is rigging a scorpion character in Blender that pulls a covered wagon and I'm DYING, she's so GOOD! She mentioned a book she's been wanting to read called "House of Leaves" that looks pretty mind boggling, so I ordered that for her birthday next month. Sweet 16! I'll have to get her out to practice driving more and get her hooked up with a permit. She'll eventually thank me, but she does seem pretty hesitant at this point. Drivers of Colorado Springs are all over the place. I didn't drive until I was 18, and by then it didn't seem that such a big deal.

 Hoping that AI replaces me at work soon and I can go live in a mound of dirt. WOOO!

 

Hurray Up & W8

 Uh oh, I got excited about a new thing and then the momentum kinda fizzled. We'll see if the factors at play actually move in the way it takes for it to happen. It's wait and see, but if the time comes and says "NOT", I know what I CAN do. What I was able to afford in a moment of excitement is still something I can afford without so much urgency and it's so nice to know there's a reserve of passion in me yet for the things I love and love to do.

What's great is my family has been invited to an art brunch on Saturday and the timing is just right. No plans, clean home, no fuss, slight hesitation to commit at first (out of habit), and realization that it's what the universe wants for me. With the people I enjoy the most because they're the sweetest, most positive souls. They charge my battery! I wonder if my dear boyfriend can come too, lord, he encourages me so much. And it's such a seemingly natural trait for all these folks, rather than being critical or entitled. 

Brandy is back at the office after several days having to work from home due to renovations after a pipe flooded her condo. Lord, am I happy to make her laugh. 

Still dreaming of my five-year plan to own some land. Here I am with my truck:

Double You Nine Lives

Adsense just told me to fill out a W-9. That's kinda neat - I can have advertisements on my YouTube and blog and make money from them. After about ten years I've accumulated like, six dollars. Which I can't get paid until I reach a minimum of $100 in revenue. I don't put much effort at all into these things, but it's still neat thinking about it.

There was a customer at work today that said our Talavera Siesta Planter was offensive to Mexicans. Yes, she was a white lady. She said it may be seen as "Mexicans are lazy" and I said that I hadn't thought of it that way. Then again, I have been taking a lot of naps these days and don't consider myself lazy. Even though I've only made $6 in ten years off my online content. 

We got a kitten a few weeks ago! Her name is Sombra and I love her and her paws and claws:

She sure does poop and pee and nap a lot.

2 Many Sines

Jeesh, I haven't blogged in a hot minute. It's probably because I can't block certain people from reading it and I wish I could. So here it is, stuff I don't mind saying to every living person that may be looking:

I'm tired, people are sweet, they should act like it more. We need to let go of SO much in order to turn things into what we actually want and need. Like, don't even worry about the things that aren't life-sustaining. If you didn't justifiably risk your life for it, let that shit go. Time sensitive should have to do with saving a life, not getting something cool in time for an event that is purely for entertainment, fun, or unimportant tradition. Some self-important dick shouldn't convince you you're worthless if you can't assist them with their vision (and with haste). Open up to opportunities to say no because a lot of times it's not that they're asking a question - it's a demand and we only have so much energy, especially for those things that merely suck out our life force without reward or connection.

"Do it this way" - NO

"Work this weekend" - NO

"Work 40 hours every week" - NO

"Pretend you don't have children so you'll be more available to our company" - NO

"Do these things to someone else that you know would piss you off" - NO

"Quit trying to make things better" - NO

I've been avoiding actually saying "no" though. It's not in my nature. They don't actually make the above statements, it's very much how it feels like they're talking. And even when I say "I'll try", I'm sure they feel like I'm saying no. Having a job is an endless negotiation I'm tired of working through. Mainly because I don't have much faith in our current patriarchal set up. Some call it Satan's system. It's men. They just spent all this time doing things their way and everyone's like, "this sucks" and carries on like there's nothing new they can try that hasn't been explored NEARLY enough.

Tune in next time for a revealing blog about making things suck less and how YOU can join the movement.

All Boils Down Ta

Turns out it's really fun to use an app to make me look like a man. Being encouraged to stay home and away from others in this current pandemic situation has led to some simple pleasures resurfacing for me. Video games are fun, Sudoku is wonderful, doing nothing is perfect, being grateful floats my boat.

I've been trying for years to make it back to where I am now, actually, where I am now is better than where I was before. I'm even working from home! Which is actually kind of a lot to get used to. If only I had two monitors and a way better chair. Dang I sound privileged. And yet, here I am with obscene levels of self-discipline and time management skills making something work that I've been curious about for a long time. While the kids are home from school (yet still on Spring Break) I gave them chores to do before screen time and they're such good li'l people. Taking out trash and doing dishes... getting on each others nerves finally. They're pretty mild mannered. I love them so much. Probably wouldn't be so self-disciplined without them. Who knows. Who cares? It's TOO LATE! haha.

While stuff is closed, it hasn't been all that different for me lately. I've already gone a few weeks without performing at the open mic on Mondays and have mainly been socializing at a smaller scale, a few folks over at a time or going to a friend's house on occasion. A friend is going to video chat with me later too. Nice to get used to online chatting as an ever-present option. I chatted with my brother yesterday - so good to see and hear him.

People are definitely keeping more to themselves. There are some people out there that depend on seeing strangers in public for a living, it has to be a scary time for people that live day-to-day. What are homeless people doing? I wonder if some of them will get so scared they seek family. I wonder what those families will feel obligated to do. I have hope that there will be a great rekindling of families and a rearranging of values that benefits everyone.

Out For Drinx

Take a coworker out for a couple drinks after work. They love it. Then go find your favorite face and pull them from their current engagement with five minutes notice and take them home and read silently with them and chuckle independently - be sure to do the laughing together. Knowing they don't care all that much and you don't either and want is a thing of the past, back when heat was too hot and entropy hadn't solidified you coldly in coolness. If you're not settling into a cozy routine, do it. If you've settled into a cozy routine, cut that shit out. Take the concentrated coziness and, with a dropper from a tincture bottle, put 2-3 drops directly into the ocean of hellacious stress. The reaction is astonishing enough that you'll start to appreciate the sea of a workload you've been navigating. It's salt water, don't drink it! Float on it, bitches.

Da Flow

That "Organ Donor" track got some sweet lyrics - at a certain point an idea manifested and the flow was funky fresh (and feisty!) and I can somehow remember the words when I perform it too! Haha. I have a difficult time with that usually. Lately I've been thinking in poems and feeling great... like, probably too great. I'm a sucker for unsustainable levels of happiness. The last several weeks I've been improvising songs for a newly formed band that currently goes by #dorsalfun (yes, hashtag dorsalfun, it's awful on purpose or on porpoise. haha. ugh.) It's such a fantastic group of people - really wonderful musicians. It's an honor to jam with them whenever the opportunity arises.

Work has been stimulating too, I just finished the five weeks of training and am starting the regular schedule the day after tomorrow. With the holidays and a personal day already scheduled, the next three weeks will be four day work weeks. I did laundry today. The kids are all set for school next week and will have a nice winter break soon. These kids are a delight. I bought Roland a new coat with an "R" on it, it's way cute. We went and saw A Christmas Carol last night, amazing actors that also play instruments - it was kind of incredible. Scrooge was really into it. A bunch of drool fell out of his mouth at one point.

Stoff 'n' Jonk

Another call center jorb is in the works, I'll be so happy to have a jorb again! I also did some phone recordings a few days ago for a local company. My voice is such an invaluable instrument y'all! There was a gentleman at the open mic on Monday that invited me to do a show later this month as well - the more I perform the more I get to perform:) The more I put into it, the more I get out. There should be costumes, hair, makeup and certainly more playing of instruments - I wish I knew a stand-up bass player. Then we can audition for the Tiny Desk thing. Speaking of, I stumbled upon a "Hobo Johnson and the Lovemakers" Tiny Desk performance and thoroughly enjoyed it. The sound quality on those videos is always top-notch.




It's a bit chaotic and I very much relate to the style and love what some may call a "cringeworthy" display of emotions. Hahaha. My son saw me look this video up and wants to watch it now, byeeeeeeeee.

WORKWORKWORK

In these times of stressfulness and uncertainty it is so easy to forget the seeds I've planted in recent history. Perhaps I've become paralyzed a bit by fear, but the last couple of weeks have not been so bad. I have been doing the work and planning in order to lift myself out of this desperation - the universe reminds me that it's coming - an answer. Not to lash out at those that have tried to help (through all of THEIR OWN hazy mess of complex life). We are only trying to help each other. Remember.

Bridges, I want all the bridges. I dig ditches just to build more bridges. Some say I'm smart, at times my skull feels too tight. Do I even know enough about anything?

Hertz

My body is so sore right now. When I get to a gym (not often enough) I really go wild. Yes, it hurts. There's no catching up on what should be regular exercise. I have been losing a bit of weight over the summer, it's nice to hear a friend say I "just keep getting skinnier". I've been keeping lighter by not eating a ton. Getting some weight exercises in makes me strong and way happy.


The beautiful and talented Charlotte Rogers performed at open mic on Monday. Man, her sweet voice tickles my soul. She wants to jam with me! Oh, the possibilities!


Right now I'm at... THE LIBRARY! duh. Was just working on my resume and a cover letter and I'm going to DHS later to ask for sad, poor people money to keep me alive and crap. Haha. Ugh. What a shame that I happen to be so poor. This too shall pass. I enjoy working. Just need to focus on the work that pays I guess.


Dang, I love people.   

Dunking Doughnuts

Hey gang. At the library again. Computer #37. Let me just say: I look great today. Makes me feel great. It's going to be a wonderful week, there have been many wonderful weeks these days - excitement and shared wisdom and enough extraverted communication and deep conversation to keep me stimulated and brimming with bubbly, annoying levels of joy. It's MEEEEEE - APRIIIIIIIL!

Who doesn't love a confident weirdo?! (I know some people don't and I'd really like an explanation.)

Possibilities aplenty. So plentiful it may be hard to focus, especially with this librarian's amazing and stylish ponytail right in front of me, uuugggh cute. Also, there's a dude here with sunglasses on (indoors) that include a frame for his third eye. hahahahaha. haha. ha. WOKE.

The kids being in school is insane to me. What a privilege. They even feed them?! wow. Tonight is the delightful open mic. I've got some phone calls to make and then some driving to do and then some lunch to eat and some life to live and some energy to burn on the stuff I actually CHOOSE to do. Can you tell I'm out from under the heavy weight of depression? It's possible! It's possible and it's HERE! I can achieve success!!! AAAHHH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  AAAAHHH!!!! (I guess)

In Fact-uation

My eyeballs are dry and itchy. My armpits are moist and unsettling. It's that time of the day again, the time of day that I would rather go home than stay at work for another hour and a half. Been sitting here with a space heater in my cold office, but the space heater is so hot and drying. I dug into my cuticle too far with a cuticle trimmer earlier - thumbs are chock full o'blood! My cuticles are just so dry, as are my nostrils. I work at work too, but all that usually gets washed out of my brain because it has never been interesting to anyone I enjoy talking with regularly. I suppose it makes for a nice cover-up job for a super hero. "What? SHE'S the shape-shifting vigilante from the news?! But, she's just some stupid customer service rep for a data center in a not-very-big city that told me all about 95th percentile bandwidth billing!"

Lord help me.

On the plus side, I figured out how to use the sauna in the women's locker room up in this building. There's a gym here too. If there's a way to sneak out everyday at around 4:00 and just sit in the sauna, I'd be on a much better schedule. Actually, I'd like to demand a hot tub be installed as well. Aw heck, why not a margarita dispenser too? Tequila is my faaaaaaavorite. Then I'll be in the news for dying of dehydration or alcohol poisoning instead of for saving orphans from a burning building by shape-shifting into an elephant for the children to ride to safety on, then using my water-filled trunk to put the fire out. Then I shape-shift into an eagle to make my exit, although my powers don't limit me to just animals, but that's what I would probably want to become the most. Animals are my faaaaaaavorite. Speaking of animals, I recently watched the live-action Jungle Book and it is spectacular. The story line is better and little Mowgli is so great to watch. I will always love the animated version too.

Lord help me more than that.

Needee

Some days, man. I woke up not wanting to exist. That's not true though, I'd love to exist right now in Hawaii. I would also enjoy existing as someone else for today. Perhaps someone that resides in Hawaii. There's something about routine or employment or office work or computers or modern life that just doesn't sit well with me. Day after day after day after day until I'm numb to it. Then once I get a bit of a break I finally regain my senses and realize it's all wrong. I'd rather work with animals. Wild animals. It would take a long time to grow numb to the sight of wild animals. I'm the wildest of the wild animals, however.

I cut my fingernails into pointy points a couple days ago. I feel like a kitten.

My focus: make a music video. Hopefully finish it up by the end of the weekend.

The family is going to see Zootopia at the dollar theater this evening. We should have more family nights. Every Tuesday methinks.

I'm so glad kids grow up. They're so new and little and it would be devastating if they stayed that way. It's nice to watch them figure things out and climb on the counter to get their own cup or pour their own bowl of cereal. They would really hate being babies or kids forever. Naomi already thinks she deserves the respect of an adult. She stepped right on my freakin' bongo drum and I was like, "whoa! don't do that!" and she couldn't believe I would talk to her like that. Haha. Those big, watery eyes. Roland keeps saying he's six years old. Although yesterday he did say, "I'm not six, I'm seven." (he's three)

I'm wearing some worn out clothes today. There's a safety pin on my pants to keep my zipper up and a safety pin on my shirt to close a seam that came undone. At least I'm good at hiding it. Not as skilled as a seamstress. Is there a safety-pin-only type of seamstress? That's what I'll be.