Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?

I'm Prove It

With somewhat short notice I decided to go ahead and audition for an improv troupe here in town. Rusty? Yes. Enthusiastic? Yes. Entertaining? At certain points, for sure! It doesn't even matter if I make it into the troupe, there is something out there for me. Many opportunities have arisen just from presenting my own weird self to other creative types. One of the fellers in the troupe is strikingly similar to the owner of the data center I worked at, which is exciting because the first guy was willing to hire me so perhaps I actually get to do this thing. They don't even get together and practice or perform all that often and I can brush up on my presentation skills (and learn how to end a scene!)between practice. As a matter of fact, I've already started watching YouTube videos on the art of Improv. Performing is my favorite and most fulfilling form of expression. It's art that I don't need any supplies for and y'all know how cheap I am!

From mud wrestler to philosopher to politician to sugar mama, people have all kinds of ideas about the kind of existence I should embrace. Listening has become easier. Deciding has become easier. Boundaries have become easier.

There is also the "job" part of life and that seems to be lining up too. Once the kids are in school I won't have the childcare work and I'll be able to search in earnest for a job that aligns with my experience within a creative field. An administrative position at a company that prints poetry was recently brought to my attention. Hurling myself into the things that energize me has been juicing me UP. It's my own fault for letting anything get in the way of that in the past. The discouragement was all just a test, rejection is actually good. Infinity comforts me, for amongst it I know there will always be a place for me - and the place I am is right where I belong.