Burning Desire

What is your guilty pleasure? Sounds so naughty... and MY guilty pleasure IS naughty (in a seven-year-old kid kind of way). I like to burn ants with a magnifying glass. I don't plan on killing larger animals for fun... maybe larger ants. I don't have many guilty pleasures. Just normal pleasures I suppose. Good beer. Playing in the sand. Dancing. Planting seeds and watching them grow... etc.

            My arugula!

Humble Bee

What do I want? Right now I want Tony Robbins to hold me in his massive arms and tell me I can do anything. I can make anyone I encounter as happy as Richard Simmons. I can lift 500 lbs. I can run 500 MPH. I can simplify with ease and regain energy and be clear in my thinking and pure of heart. I can be perfect already, with the ability to fly AND turn invisible. I can feed my friends and enrich their lives. I can try meth JUST ONCE. I want to hold all those I care about in my arms and press them against my bosoms (in a non-sexual way), and have them understand that everything I've ever done wrong is forgiven by God and then, in an instant, forgotten by them, and then they suddenly have an ultimate sense of balance and respect for self and fellow humans. I want to tenderly kiss the neck of someone who could really use a tender neck-kissing. You know who you are.

While My Eggplant Gently Weeps

I can sweat an eggplant without salt. All it takes is some interrogation. I asked this one where he was on the night the Gouda went missing- "I was in the crisper, I didn't see nothin'", he claimed. "This family doesn't keep eggplant in the crisper," I said,"as a matter of fact, the crisper was already full of lettuce and cauliflower before we brought your UGLY, purple face home! WHERE'S THE GOUDA?!" Check out those beads of sweat. He's gunna fry tonight, he had Eggplant Parmesan written all over him before he was even ripe. I can't stand a liar.

BANG(s)!

I don't ever want to be without bangs again. Why are they called bangs? I bet it's a funny story... I'll be 26 in ten days. What are 26-year-olds supposed to wear? I'm thinking they should wear things half as slutty as a teenager and half as shapeless as the Amish. If you go low-cut, it can't also be tight. If you go tight, it can't also be super short. If you wear spanx, you can't also breathe. If you put on heavy make-up, you can't also do your hair. If you are a mother, you can't also be relatively sane. Being 26 for me (as far as fashion sense) is about thinking about putting effort into how you look instead of not thinking about putting effort into how you look. What? I wish I could have an afro for a while.