12 Flavors

 Not to brag, but I received two gifts for Christmas. Both are drinkable. First, my dear cousin gave me a bottle of my favorite coconut water that I bought with SNAP benefits earlier in the week and he had hidden (and I was actually looking for yesterday, haha). Second was 12 different infused vodkas in sweet hand-labeled bottles from my amazing friend Brandy. Hazelnut, vanilla, lavender, cinnamon, coconut, lime, etc... really nice! I am going to her place tomorrow to make pear butter too. She's a great friend, probably the most loyal and generous person I've met. She rejects the thought of relying on someone else that doesn't sincerely want to help her. She makes it a point to be strong enough to go above and beyond.

I feel that. 

It's smart to be self-sufficient. It also feels good to help people when they're struggling, which is actually how I met her. The kids and I were in a homeless shelter with other mothers and children. It was what my then husband could afford for us, since I had just moved back from Florida after leaving him 6 months earlier and he had never been dependable enough to pay the bills for the length of a lease for as long as I'd known him. He reached out to strangers online to find a room to rent and found Brandy. Out of a complete mess came a life-long friend, so I have no regrets - especially as my life and choices continue to get better and better. Brandy and her then husband had a basement room with its own bathroom, and I've never had to go back to a shelter since. I've also never had to offend anyone with my beliefs. She is a wonderful Christian and doesn't fear open discussions about any topic under the sun. She split from her then husband and my then husband became a drunken, abusive psycho that we called the police on (again) so it was Brandy and I and our 4 kids for the summer. She got a job, and I watched the kids - we had our own little economy. Oddly, when she ended up selling the house as part of her divorce, I depended on my then husband again for a place to live. I suppose it was because I wanted him to provide for his children as I had been doing - even though he was still not taking care of his mental health. We stayed in another basement (far less comfortable, but still a great older woman that owned the home). Eventually I was able to find a job, then upgrade to a better job, then find a great deal on an apartment. Which is where I am now. The husband followed but couldn't hold it together for long and the police carted him off again for the last time. That was over two years ago now. All of the damage has not been undone, nor can it be, really. It is good to plainly see the damage though, to realize what I have control over. And so, so good to have my friend Brandy. And shout out to Cousin Matthew for keeping me from drinking the coconut water for a day:)

Qwik-E

The gig from August got me a paying gig for this weekend. That's neat-o! I'm hosting an all-female comedy show on October 5th in Pueblo.

There have been some great moments recently with friends and some gut-wrenching moments with my improving connection to my intuition. My upbringing was not well-suited for me, it had me refusing to trust myself for some important decisions. The thing is: I'm not an idiot. However, I was taught to believe all humans are basically idiots with bad intentions. Smart enough to ruin it for everyone else and that's it. It is a lot to come to terms with and not just be totally depressed. I'm an anti-cynic disguised as a cynic :)

I'm married to someone with the same upbringing. Plus trauma?! What a mess. Oh lord, have mercy.

Sometimes I think about a time when my children are adults and perhaps it turns out they're struggling to deal with emotions or have a mental illness of their own they must cope with. It is unimaginable that shunning them would be an option at all. Refusing to admit to my own possible oversight in raising them, when they're right there suffering. Sometimes I feel like all some parents would have to do is acknowledge that they should have done things a little differently. Should have encouraged pursuing college at an earlier age (earlier than my senior year of high school, when they offered to buy me a car if I got a scholarship yet didn't offer to help pay for college or any further education). Should have let me have relationships prior to moving (incredibly far) out at 21. Should have refrained from pressuring me to literally marry the first guy that boinked me. Eh, I guess they're perfect (even though that is TOTALLY against their religion to believe). Haha. It's funny and I'm smart and I will never shun my children and I am definitely not about to give up everything I've earned in this life to be "good" according to some wacky band of old dudes. Some wackier than others. Hahaha, y'all JWs know which one I'm talking about:D

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.

Be Leave Me

Hot dang, I moved away from Colorado. What a crazy month and a half it has been! There must've been a straw to finally break the proverbial camel's back and I left my job and most possessions and loaded up the kids and hit the road, Jack. I start a new job in a couple days at a hospital, setting appointments for physicians - a Call Center Specialist I shall be. The women that have interviewed me have been outstanding! I can't wait to start and get trained and move on up. The little town I moved to is just adorable and charming, close to a much larger city so I don't feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere. I even have a little herb garden with dill, basil and rosemary AND a yellow pear tomato plant. I'm down to 131 pounds, which is surprising since it doesn't even feel like I've tried very hard to lose more weight. It's just happening naturally I guess - especially with all the yoga, weights, jump roping, and not eating until feeling like a bloated tick I've been doing. Psyllium husk fiber y'all. Apple cider vinegar too. Magic stuff when all combined together into a routine. I hope working in an office doesn't set me back. A quote I like to remember from this dumb book I've been reading is "don't let others make you fat and stupid", so I don't think I'll be falling for the break room calorie fests any time soon since I'm just feeling too good without that 38 extra pounds hanging on me. Just need a million dollars to spend on a new wardrobe now - I'm lookin' all baggy all the time.