MaTOOR

 It's very nice feeling settled in my brain. Not having to make decisions hastily and feeling well-rounded has my stress levels manageable. Envisioning a plot of land with a creek and remembering the smell of dark soil, the cool feeling of a shaded little spot on earth - it's where my mind goes every chance I give it. 

 The weight of depression I felt nipping at my heels the last few months is dissipating. Anxiety and depression are so contagious for me, unfortunately. They're easy for me to spot and so hard for me to handle appropriately. Like seeing a cave and being drawn to it naturally. Letting it hold me and tell me everything else is too dangerous. Good thing I have no choice but to leave. Too bad when a hermit I befriended takes it so personal. 

 What better way to carry on than to be a balanced, healthy individual? There's a handy gauge that I've developed through life that triggers a little warning light. When I look under the hood, it may take some deciphering, but it's incredible to finally figure out how I work and what might not be working so well. What fluids to top off, where I'm leaking, what wires are crossed. The song "Little Red Corvette" played on the radio this morning, there's no escaping some external influence.

 Now, who's gunna drive me GOOOOOOD and SLLLOOOOWWW? 

Foe Cuss

It sure is difficult to always remember to have faith, or to remember what that even means. That's what meditation helps me with the most. When I take a moment to stop and realize I require a breath to continue to go on, I start to remember that the air has always been there just when I needed it. So far at least. And my exhalation will benefit some other part of the universe. I've been feeding a lot of bugs lately, massive welts on my elbow with an itch that can't be ignored. What's the point of this discomfort? Perhaps to remember I was a part of something else's life. The itch may last longer than the lifespan of the stupid bug! A small price for me to pay for such a long, rich life of my own. Strip the earth of bugs and it would be uninhabitable for us. No such thing as a "stupid bug" it turns out.

Breathe in, breathe out. A simple and interesting system. Always depending on something else, something else always depending on us. We're responsible whether we want to be or not. Whether we can "handle it" or not. It has become incredibly helpful to remember that no matter how many times I haven't thought about it, took it for granted, even wished it wasn't the case: the next breath was always there.

Ooop, just saw a ladies booty crack at the library.

All a-bored

Uber driving is nice. I like people. People like it here. Most passengers are visitors or haven't been here very long. How do you think the great land of Colorado feels about these people? Just coming along, gawking and driving around, skiing, hiking, trampling, disturbing, parading, gallivanting? It seems that the people from Colorado, or that have been here a long time, have a very anthropomorphic view of this land. Like it really cares about what's going on within it - more so than other places. I like looking at it that way too, probably because I'm influenced by others and it seems more respectful and I've lived here a while. It would have been nice if several other states legalized weed at the same time. More coastal and populated states. When I first came here at 21 years old, I finally felt like I could afford to move out of my parent's place in Florida and live as an adult. Now... I'm at a library because there's no Internet at home, which is a rented room with my two children and I. Better than the shelter. Better than the car. Somehow better than being in another state still.


My kids are both in school. I'm so tired. There is a lot to do and responsibilities galore. No one is safe. My mom is right: it's a day for Dunkin' Donuts!