TrappR KeepR

The end of this week is wiping me out, bruh. Shouldn't have had any amount of fast food, much less the amount I consumed within the last few days.

INNIE WAIZE, it's going to be a magnificent weekend. Hiking, jamming, friending, parenting, healthing, stealthing, wealthing, breathing, and hopefully slightly less itchy eyeballs.

I'm bringing some wine over to a friend's house for some pizza and mommy times tonight. A friend recently moved to our side of town with kids my kids ages and I'm STOKED. Love me some west side shenanigans.

Last week I was recognized while I was out and about for my performance at the open mic I do regularly. What a cool celebrity status moment. haha. Being weird on a stage is paying off... sort of. This past week I stuck around and jammed with the bartender and another regular patron, we got so metal and it felt sooooo gooooooood to freak the fun out... for the one audience member that is also the host. She did say we're her new favorite band:D

Yesterday was emotionally rough AF, lots of crying and vulnerability thinking about how abused I was for so long. It's inexcusable. I mean, fast food doesn't help, but shit... SAD. How are you going to allow yourself to screw up so badly for so long? My entire soul rejects that possibility from ever stepping foot in my heart again. I love myself and my children. Many folks love me and my children. The wisdom of my grandma whispers in my ear "you're doing fine". It's only when some awful desperation settles in that my mind receives this lie on repeat telling me that the bullshit is unavoidable and probably deserved. Kindness, however, is undeserved. RIIIIIIIGHT. Done with that lie. Infinite access to love and joy is real, buddy. So eat my butt.

The H8ing Game

Went over to a friend's place yesterday for a jam session last night. We were gifted a li'l beginner guitar recently and my daughter has been learning chords and dear Brittney offered to teach her (yay, friends!) routine is establishing itself in our lives - mostly routine awesomeness. The friends that challenge me to not be stagnant are definitely chipping away at the depression.

I have a problem with being a thing. Like, "comic" or "musician". It comes with preconceived expectations and rules. "Are they funny?" "Can they sing/play?" When the microphone is in my hand I am in therapy, not everyone signed up for this crap. I suppose I'd still call myself an entertainer, as that comes naturally AF.

Mother, May I?

Yo dawg. Remember when you didn't do stuff because your parents wouldn't let you? Having grown up I never thought I'd have so many excuses for why I "can't" do things I would love to do. The excuses have been few and far between these days and it is making a big difference in my quality of life. It's truly incredible to see what a few months of concentrated effort can do. Specific goals aren't easy for me, I have much love for many generally creative endeavors. What if I were to decide to focus energy on just one? If so, it would be comedy. At least that's how I feel today. But that feeling will change. Performing is the general pursuit at the moment. The universe will guide me beyond that. Someone has some fresh bread in my vicinity and it's KILLING me. Want.

I invited a local comedian over this weekend. Maybe we'll record a podcast! The thought of whipping up some theme music and fake commercials alone has me sold.

Da Flow

That "Organ Donor" track got some sweet lyrics - at a certain point an idea manifested and the flow was funky fresh (and feisty!) and I can somehow remember the words when I perform it too! Haha. I have a difficult time with that usually. Lately I've been thinking in poems and feeling great... like, probably too great. I'm a sucker for unsustainable levels of happiness. The last several weeks I've been improvising songs for a newly formed band that currently goes by #dorsalfun (yes, hashtag dorsalfun, it's awful on purpose or on porpoise. haha. ugh.) It's such a fantastic group of people - really wonderful musicians. It's an honor to jam with them whenever the opportunity arises.

Work has been stimulating too, I just finished the five weeks of training and am starting the regular schedule the day after tomorrow. With the holidays and a personal day already scheduled, the next three weeks will be four day work weeks. I did laundry today. The kids are all set for school next week and will have a nice winter break soon. These kids are a delight. I bought Roland a new coat with an "R" on it, it's way cute. We went and saw A Christmas Carol last night, amazing actors that also play instruments - it was kind of incredible. Scrooge was really into it. A bunch of drool fell out of his mouth at one point.

Sweaterz

"HeeeEeeeeY"

A lovely woman named Theresa gave me a couple sweaters recently - people are darling!

I'm attempting to pin down some lyrics for this track:

It's not always easy, or ever easy. Either it's difficult to put something into words, or it was difficult before putting it into words.

Tomorrow I start training for a new job at a call center, just answering billing questions and taking payments and doing stuff in peoples accounts and hopefully rising to the top of the company and smoking cigars and owning a sports team or whatever. Can you own a tennis player? It's just a one person team and seems somehow wrong, doesn't it? I guess I should at least TRY to own a tennis player one day.

Tuesday was my last day at a temporary job helping at a voter service and polling center as a supervisor. It was actually quite exciting being in a position like that, my team was fantastic and I was able to connect with all of them - they seemed to appreciate my temperament too. I'd like to thank my dad for the natural leadership abilities, he ran a business and lead a team of workers excellently. You certainly cannot demand respect from people, but it will come when they see your impressive work ethic and the pride you take in a job well done. When it becomes hectic or there are setbacks, solutions are there. We ran out of a form and someone went and made copies. We had huge crowds and got them all taken care of. I saw someone getting worn out and gave them a more manageable task. All with a smile because that junk was FUN and no one was even close to dying so there was nothing to freak out about. A couple of friends came in to vote too. A familiar face is such a delight!

Open mic night on Monday was also really fun, I laughed heartily when Oshee stood with the mic stand oddly dragging between his legs. I received a copy of an experimental spoken-word recording from Brandon. Matt can improvise so flawlessly when a heckler arises. Sarah is an amazing poet that gets on stage and delivers hilarious one-liners. Dude with a moustache poured his cringey heart out. George did weird stuff (very well!) What a night. I'm determined to perform next time. Therapy yesterday was great too - the last few minutes were spent gushing over Tim & Eric. Haha.

I'm Prove It

With somewhat short notice I decided to go ahead and audition for an improv troupe here in town. Rusty? Yes. Enthusiastic? Yes. Entertaining? At certain points, for sure! It doesn't even matter if I make it into the troupe, there is something out there for me. Many opportunities have arisen just from presenting my own weird self to other creative types. One of the fellers in the troupe is strikingly similar to the owner of the data center I worked at, which is exciting because the first guy was willing to hire me so perhaps I actually get to do this thing. They don't even get together and practice or perform all that often and I can brush up on my presentation skills (and learn how to end a scene!)between practice. As a matter of fact, I've already started watching YouTube videos on the art of Improv. Performing is my favorite and most fulfilling form of expression. It's art that I don't need any supplies for and y'all know how cheap I am!

From mud wrestler to philosopher to politician to sugar mama, people have all kinds of ideas about the kind of existence I should embrace. Listening has become easier. Deciding has become easier. Boundaries have become easier.

There is also the "job" part of life and that seems to be lining up too. Once the kids are in school I won't have the childcare work and I'll be able to search in earnest for a job that aligns with my experience within a creative field. An administrative position at a company that prints poetry was recently brought to my attention. Hurling myself into the things that energize me has been juicing me UP. It's my own fault for letting anything get in the way of that in the past. The discouragement was all just a test, rejection is actually good. Infinity comforts me, for amongst it I know there will always be a place for me - and the place I am is right where I belong.