Hurray Up & W8

 Uh oh, I got excited about a new thing and then the momentum kinda fizzled. We'll see if the factors at play actually move in the way it takes for it to happen. It's wait and see, but if the time comes and says "NOT", I know what I CAN do. What I was able to afford in a moment of excitement is still something I can afford without so much urgency and it's so nice to know there's a reserve of passion in me yet for the things I love and love to do.

What's great is my family has been invited to an art brunch on Saturday and the timing is just right. No plans, clean home, no fuss, slight hesitation to commit at first (out of habit), and realization that it's what the universe wants for me. With the people I enjoy the most because they're the sweetest, most positive souls. They charge my battery! I wonder if my dear boyfriend can come too, lord, he encourages me so much. And it's such a seemingly natural trait for all these folks, rather than being critical or entitled. 

Brandy is back at the office after several days having to work from home due to renovations after a pipe flooded her condo. Lord, am I happy to make her laugh. 

Still dreaming of my five-year plan to own some land. Here I am with my truck:

TrappR KeepR

The end of this week is wiping me out, bruh. Shouldn't have had any amount of fast food, much less the amount I consumed within the last few days.

INNIE WAIZE, it's going to be a magnificent weekend. Hiking, jamming, friending, parenting, healthing, stealthing, wealthing, breathing, and hopefully slightly less itchy eyeballs.

I'm bringing some wine over to a friend's house for some pizza and mommy times tonight. A friend recently moved to our side of town with kids my kids ages and I'm STOKED. Love me some west side shenanigans.

Last week I was recognized while I was out and about for my performance at the open mic I do regularly. What a cool celebrity status moment. haha. Being weird on a stage is paying off... sort of. This past week I stuck around and jammed with the bartender and another regular patron, we got so metal and it felt sooooo gooooooood to freak the fun out... for the one audience member that is also the host. She did say we're her new favorite band:D

Yesterday was emotionally rough AF, lots of crying and vulnerability thinking about how abused I was for so long. It's inexcusable. I mean, fast food doesn't help, but shit... SAD. How are you going to allow yourself to screw up so badly for so long? My entire soul rejects that possibility from ever stepping foot in my heart again. I love myself and my children. Many folks love me and my children. The wisdom of my grandma whispers in my ear "you're doing fine". It's only when some awful desperation settles in that my mind receives this lie on repeat telling me that the bullshit is unavoidable and probably deserved. Kindness, however, is undeserved. RIIIIIIIGHT. Done with that lie. Infinite access to love and joy is real, buddy. So eat my butt.

The H8ing Game

Went over to a friend's place yesterday for a jam session last night. We were gifted a li'l beginner guitar recently and my daughter has been learning chords and dear Brittney offered to teach her (yay, friends!) routine is establishing itself in our lives - mostly routine awesomeness. The friends that challenge me to not be stagnant are definitely chipping away at the depression.

I have a problem with being a thing. Like, "comic" or "musician". It comes with preconceived expectations and rules. "Are they funny?" "Can they sing/play?" When the microphone is in my hand I am in therapy, not everyone signed up for this crap. I suppose I'd still call myself an entertainer, as that comes naturally AF.

Hev-E

Whoa. Metal. I went to a show recently that was truly unforgettable. Daikaiju and Giardia were just wonderful.

(not a picture I took)

There was even a mosh pit I got involved in. I'd like to thank Sean Ostrow for the kind invitation and astute encouragement from right around the very second we met. I also took the opportunity to cry on Robert Romesburg's bosom, and would like to thank him for having a wise and comforting presence. This blog doesn't really get advertised, so maybe they'll never see these gracious words. The words are out there though. 

Yesterday I took the fam down to the Pueblo reservoir for the first time - actually pretty great. Especially as I get to missing my sun and surf in these warm, light-filled months. I've been reading a book call "When Things Fall Apart" and it sounds like maybe I'm reading it because things are falling apart, however, things are in a constant state of falling apart and it's great for learning to let go of that which is out of our control. I know I love my family and friends and self. It wouldn't make sense to cling to a way that prevented my growth and the broadening of my love just to avoid perceived pain. 

Lousy Smarch Weather

I'm ready for summer. It just ain't right when the weather decides to be poopy on weekends. I'm also ready for Daylight Savings and a new place to live and a puppy and a million dollars and a vacation and a new, sexy haircut. I did dye my hair last night. Same ol' Clairol Flare Me "Rose to the Occasion" as it looks good fresh or faded with my skin and eyes. Maybe I'll have my blessed cousin cut my hair next weekend, every time he cuts my hair it looks great and grows out beautifully.

Did the karaoke this past Thursday with dear Brandy. Love Shack 100%.

Was offered cocaine again. Declined again. I figured I just didn't have that many chores to do. Not much to do at all really. No stressful deadlines. No lack of enough energy or focus. Maybe if I had one o' them corporate-type jobs and no soul. Or just went through a really dark phase of not liking myself. It's not crack, but I prefer a laid back demeanor. Coffee fixes me up pretty okay.

The snow just kept dumping over the weekend... the kids get a snow day today, but not little ol' me. I did get the tax return dough and will be moving into my own pad ASAP. Which requires a bit of time and attention during my normal work hours and it'll be so wonderful when it's done. It would be great to get a place with a big closet that could be turned into a little studio. Dreams.

Sweaterz

"HeeeEeeeeY"

A lovely woman named Theresa gave me a couple sweaters recently - people are darling!

I'm attempting to pin down some lyrics for this track:

It's not always easy, or ever easy. Either it's difficult to put something into words, or it was difficult before putting it into words.

Tomorrow I start training for a new job at a call center, just answering billing questions and taking payments and doing stuff in peoples accounts and hopefully rising to the top of the company and smoking cigars and owning a sports team or whatever. Can you own a tennis player? It's just a one person team and seems somehow wrong, doesn't it? I guess I should at least TRY to own a tennis player one day.

Tuesday was my last day at a temporary job helping at a voter service and polling center as a supervisor. It was actually quite exciting being in a position like that, my team was fantastic and I was able to connect with all of them - they seemed to appreciate my temperament too. I'd like to thank my dad for the natural leadership abilities, he ran a business and lead a team of workers excellently. You certainly cannot demand respect from people, but it will come when they see your impressive work ethic and the pride you take in a job well done. When it becomes hectic or there are setbacks, solutions are there. We ran out of a form and someone went and made copies. We had huge crowds and got them all taken care of. I saw someone getting worn out and gave them a more manageable task. All with a smile because that junk was FUN and no one was even close to dying so there was nothing to freak out about. A couple of friends came in to vote too. A familiar face is such a delight!

Open mic night on Monday was also really fun, I laughed heartily when Oshee stood with the mic stand oddly dragging between his legs. I received a copy of an experimental spoken-word recording from Brandon. Matt can improvise so flawlessly when a heckler arises. Sarah is an amazing poet that gets on stage and delivers hilarious one-liners. Dude with a moustache poured his cringey heart out. George did weird stuff (very well!) What a night. I'm determined to perform next time. Therapy yesterday was great too - the last few minutes were spent gushing over Tim & Eric. Haha.

Cordially

MY SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNIN'! Little Bianca Rosa Alvarado:) such a sweet name.

The voter service and polling center job is pretty funny. I'm enjoying it so far, not terribly busy at our location. There is bound to be a time when humans are removed from these positions (hopefully).

I'm in somewhat desperate need of a vocal processor. Tonight is open mic night - not 100% sure I'm performing, but I'm going! Also, the kids and I were invited to dinner at another families home this evening. Thank goodness for the ability to make friends. Drugs can be nice for reducing the anxiety that comes with isolation, but they sure don't help one make friends. It turns out it's incredibly important to socialize regularly. If I miss a night - I feel like crap. Yesterday was a day for sleep, I just kept falling asleep and napping. Guess I needed it. Today is normal, uploaded another track to Soundcloud and about to get them kids. sigh... Can't wait to make some money!

WHATAMIDOING?

Before doing some of the usual Uber drivin', I drove a fellow artist to see a gal he'd been forming a relationship with on the Interwebz. Had to get some pictures too, since he put extra effort into his hair game:

I just think these are great! I guess I'll go ahead and promote him by saying his name is Zander Alexander and he has the heart of an entertainer. Anywho… back to reality.

Brothers & Sisters

Lately I've felt the urge to call my friends "brothers" and "sisters". A giant wall comes down mentally for people when you put yourself so close to them in your friendship. When you hug them like family and they don't really know how they deserve it. I take pride in my hugs and the accomplishments of my friends.

Lately I've wanted to say what's on my mind and whether or not I'm judged isn't up to me. Putting in a little extra effort to be kind to people goes a long way. There are people that have given me looks, looks that tell me I'm too forceful. After a few more encounters these same people will now hug me like family. Hell yes, I AM forceful.

Lately I've felt like myself, relearned what I am and do and feel and need. Everyone needs a good cry. Everyone needs to laugh more. Everyone should be a little more comfortable doing either one. Both at the same time is fun.

Last night I spent the night at my cousins place and today we're going to an amusement park! Just another standard, beautiful day. Days like these give me the strength to keep challenging the status quo.

Forceful

---

Your sister

Want

What a day. Not sure why "what a day", but that it is. And how!

Now I'm at Starbucks on my gifted, amazing laptop, drinking a coffee purchased with a gift card from another beautiful friend. There are so many things to be grateful for today (and every day)! I sit down to TRY to be stressed about this or that. Even after the previous post mentioning my financial situation and how "poor" I am - I know I'm incredibly rich!

I'm supposed to be filling out an application, but I've got TIME for once in my life and it's incredibly precious and valued.

Okay, time to do that application:)

Hertz

My body is so sore right now. When I get to a gym (not often enough) I really go wild. Yes, it hurts. There's no catching up on what should be regular exercise. I have been losing a bit of weight over the summer, it's nice to hear a friend say I "just keep getting skinnier". I've been keeping lighter by not eating a ton. Getting some weight exercises in makes me strong and way happy.


The beautiful and talented Charlotte Rogers performed at open mic on Monday. Man, her sweet voice tickles my soul. She wants to jam with me! Oh, the possibilities!


Right now I'm at... THE LIBRARY! duh. Was just working on my resume and a cover letter and I'm going to DHS later to ask for sad, poor people money to keep me alive and crap. Haha. Ugh. What a shame that I happen to be so poor. This too shall pass. I enjoy working. Just need to focus on the work that pays I guess.


Dang, I love people.   

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.

Letting Goo

As some of you may or may not know, or might have suspected, or had a hunch: I enjoy a good guided meditation. I listen on YouTube to Michael Sealey, mainly. Right now I'm living in Colorado in a rented room with my family (husband and two little kids). We moved here after staying at a homeless shelter for two weeks. Jason-husband inquired on a website if anyone had a spare room and a kind family responded. We met up and had some Dunkin Donuts and our kids all had a blast immediately, they're pretty much the same ages, coincidentally. We've all become such good friends and pretty much needed each other. I now have a karaoke buddy, a great influence, stability, kindness... it's enough to make me cry with appreciation and joy.

Last year was so hard and so educational. We've been in this house for nearly ten months and I've agreed to watch the children over the summer and, in many ways, continue my education. The mutual respect in this house is pure delight! The unnecessary, unimportant, worrisome things are slowly sluffing off of me and my life. The good - things and moments and people - are rising up around me. Meditating has been a very important key to accepting this reality: the world is full of kindness and the universe wants us to succeed. Good wins when we fight alongside it. We may have to fight ourselves intensely too, accept and admit our own not-so-good ways so we can work with what we've got.

Now I have to go help my daughter do some origami!

All 2 Common

Sometimes I'll look on Craigslist at the strictly platonic personal section to read what women are writing in their attempt to make friends. There are so many women about my age realizing they have no friends and I enjoy meeting new people, so maybe if someone writes something good enough, I'll respond. I tried meeting one lady, but then I got sick when we were supposed to go out to dinner and had to cancel. Then it seems that another lady she also met via Craigslist became the friend she was looking for anyways. I was invited to an expensive Mother's Day brunch they were going to and I had to decline for lack of money (and lack of ever celebrating Mother's Day, so I could care less - which would probably be the most sad and shocking thing these women have ever heard).

I posted on Craigslist to advertise my pet portraits and someone that lives in my neighborhood sent me a text. They liked my art and wanted to know if I'd teach their kid how to use colored pencils. We were going to meet at the park, but then they cancelled and when I tried to reschedule recently they never responded.

I'm starting to see what's wrong with a seemingly vast majority of people. We aren't really into people. It's sad when we don't get to know our neighbors and so many don't have friends. I'm getting infected too. I don't tend to hang out with people that are different than me. Is it because there's no benefit to it? No - it's because I'm a butthole and I just want people around me that will understand everything I say and laugh at my jokes. Should I just accept that? Probably. But I prefer the turmoil that comes with trying. The butthole that wouldn't quit. I'm an "in-your-face" kind of butthole! A great tagline for someone that wants to be your friend. Spell check keeps hating on the butt+hole compound word. Spell check is a butthole.