Guy Dense

 Oh, sweet & sour & spicy Universe! Hear my pleas and guide me to a state of pure, true intention! Pummel me until I have no choice but to stop resisting! 

Sigh... there. 

It's becoming easier to stop forcing things. It's becoming clearer who I am and where I'm headed. Intuition is kicking in and it is straight up telling me things. I'm so hesitant to explain this right now, but I feel compelled to so here we go:

Last year I made a five-year goal to buy land. A vehicle that can travel in rural spots as well as carry supplies would be a necessity. My car's check engine light has been intermittently coming on and I recently found a business card as I was cleaning out my purse before taking a trip. The card is from an old friend that owns a mechanic shop. I remembered he would sometimes have vehicles to sell so I inquired about what he might have on hand. He only has two trucks. After work today I'm going to his shop and have a strong feeling that I am meant to buy one of these trucks. He's a trustworthy, generous dude so I'm not worried he'll sell me a turd and I have an ever-increasing list of complaints about my current vehicle I've had for seven years. A vehicle I desperately needed to escape my situation at the time. A vehicle attached to some downer energy. BUT, it has served its purpose and is paid off, including the down payment I borrowed from my parents. It's the first car I financed, which was great for my credit score. 

The title of this blog post is a play on words. Sounds like "guidance" and lately I have been open to guys. Dating, taking trips, chatting, thinkin' 'bout 'em. I made it a point to not commit to any particular guy for at least a year after my divorce, which is coming up fast (in eleven days, to be exact). Brandy and I both have "divorciversaries" this month and we're hoping to celebrate somehow. Haven't figured out how quite yet, but it's not something we take lightly. It's more of a celebration of our friendship than a celebration of dissolving our marriages, but hey, we're still proud of removing ourselves from something that wasn't meant for us. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and damn, my happiness is a bucket of chum! I said "chum", mom! "CHUM"!

Y B Sad?

It's not hard to help in small ways. I get so sad thinking about what certain other people aren't doing, I should know better. It's not hard to see why they'd make different decisions than I would. The small ways I can help seem counterintuitive, but it turns out it's not selfish at all to make sure I'm happy and healthy. It's not selfish at all to make sure you're happy and healthy. 

There was a lot of processing in 2023, I've made less money this year than last, and even less than the year before that. Yet, I've never had more savings and I've never had more fun with my kids and I don't think I've ever felt so... proud and content and close to my friends and capable and worthy and free. I always knew there were great reasons to live simply and not go into debt and not make too many decisions without reducing the factor of stress by as much as possible. 

I started this post while I was very sad one day. But I finished this post the next day, after meditating and playing some Mario Kart with the kids and eating tres leches cake and remembering I have a three-day weekend. Sadness happens though, it's valid and life can always be better. But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LIFE COULD BE SOOOO MUCH WORSE I'M KICKING MAJOR ASS! haha. Soon I'll get another tax return and my beloved cousin will move out here and I'm determined to keep deepening my connection to the ever-present well of wisdom that carries on unaffected by mankind's antics. 

Ded Leeves

 It doesn't feel like I'm putting much effort into having fun, but DAAANG, I've been having some FUN lately. As Brandy reminded me today: "time flies when you're having fun" and in just one more year our daughters will be fifteen - which we designated as the age they have to be to watch these adorable video interviews I did of them back when our families lived together. They were only like, eight or nine and fifteen seemed so far off at the time. Today we celebrated Genevieve's fourteenth birthday with a tea party at Miramont castle in Manitou Springs. 

We also recently went to a Halloween party on the other side of town, the multi-layer dip with a spider web of sour cream and spider made of black olive was impressive.

Oh, and did I mention MY MOM GOT TO STAY WITH US FOR A MONTH! She left October 25th as we were just getting used to her. haha:)

And on Friday the 13th, a group of friends and coworkers went to a horror themed burlesque show at La Burla Bee. "Jason WhoreTease" c'mon, that's silly.

Very good times. This year has been solid, and this season has been oh, so sweet. 

Mother, May I?

Yo dawg. Remember when you didn't do stuff because your parents wouldn't let you? Having grown up I never thought I'd have so many excuses for why I "can't" do things I would love to do. The excuses have been few and far between these days and it is making a big difference in my quality of life. It's truly incredible to see what a few months of concentrated effort can do. Specific goals aren't easy for me, I have much love for many generally creative endeavors. What if I were to decide to focus energy on just one? If so, it would be comedy. At least that's how I feel today. But that feeling will change. Performing is the general pursuit at the moment. The universe will guide me beyond that. Someone has some fresh bread in my vicinity and it's KILLING me. Want.

I invited a local comedian over this weekend. Maybe we'll record a podcast! The thought of whipping up some theme music and fake commercials alone has me sold.

FreeDump

There are a lot of really great free things. Air, our senses, learning, talking, friendship, walking, pointing at stuff, taking a satisfying poop (outdoors), body heat, interesting rocks, percussive rhythm, story listening, singing, blinking, scratching, etc. etc. etc.

I just listened to a morning guided meditation, which had me feeling like a mountain stream going over a water wheel, powering my own dreams. When I think about my dreams I realize how simple I am - all I truly want is joy and love. Specifics don't interest me. There is something calling me and a meaningful path ahead of me and it hasn't been paved or maintained or lit or recognized by others as a path at all. The only way I see it is when I take a step further into it. How can one plan their route when the end goal is so obscure? When the dream is a feeling? When it is something that requires swift adaptation and effortless compromise? At least I can be organized in thought enough to write in a journal or blog. To hold a job and feed my kids. To maintain friendships and lessen their hardships and eat some tortilla chips with various types of dips - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. There's a place for me in the universe and it really doesn't matter what my immediate surroundings think about it - here I am. Not taking up too much space. Not being demanding. What I need comes to me when I actually need it and I used to feel so desperate. What happens when all your life you're regularly told how many hours per month you should feel inclined to share your faith with other humans (and that faith has DETAILS, baby!)? It may be about sacrifice, you tell yourself. Then that's great to hear, because I'm sacrificing a great deal to find the truth about love. I'm not afraid of men or their laws or expectations - I'm not afraid of the women that will support these ideas until death - I'm not afraid of being poor - I'm not afraid of being shunned - I'm not afraid of confrontation - I'm not afraid of thought, especially my own, wonderful thoughts. I was born an anti-cynic. My brain produces its own anti-depressants, it's starting to produce anti-anxiety chemicals too. How many hours a month do I preach now? ALL OF THEM! Hahahahahahahahahahaaha! Did you know that inanimate and dead things aren't jealous of us living things? They're just fine as they are. Trust me. Or don't.

Da Troof

Do you limit your love? Afraid you'll run out? Does that mean you're judging too much? Disconnected from the source? What is the source? When you know, is that when you'll know?

Maybe I have a hard time with details. Have a hard time with now. And I'm practicing an uncomfortable balancing act that pays off every time. Every. Single. Time.

Too good to be true? No, I just said it was uncomfortable. The trick is in making the uncomfortable start to feel good. The afterward. The result. Believe it comes and it does. In the meantime: breathe. You never have to wait very long for the next breath. No patience required. No lack of patience required.

Jorb

People ain't that bad. Statistically I think we're okay. For instance, I'm quite often among lots of strangers and I've never once witnessed a stabbing. Most of us haven't, if I'm not mistaken. Even if I had witnessed a stabbing it would definitely stick out as an unusual moment. All of this lack of threat toward our life is ...great? We just get all the killin' out of the way with wars maybe? Not sure where I'm going with this, I make no promises except that I can ramble like a mo fo.

The job search is ON. I'm ready to overcome poverty and claw my way to a simple, peaceful existence. Any time I question myself, I just have to remember I'm the only one that can answer myself. And I make my answers positive and uplifting these days. More "why not?" than "why?" - more "how could it get any better?" than "how could it get any worse?". Lots of accepting advice from sources of wisdom that I connect with. Mentally, the results have been beyond the wildest dreams of former April. Current April feels good, looks good, is good. Good enough for a home of her own? Good enough to be content with her daily challenges? Good enough to make her own well-informed decisions? AWWWW YEEEEAAAH!

Want

What a day. Not sure why "what a day", but that it is. And how!

Now I'm at Starbucks on my gifted, amazing laptop, drinking a coffee purchased with a gift card from another beautiful friend. There are so many things to be grateful for today (and every day)! I sit down to TRY to be stressed about this or that. Even after the previous post mentioning my financial situation and how "poor" I am - I know I'm incredibly rich!

I'm supposed to be filling out an application, but I've got TIME for once in my life and it's incredibly precious and valued.

Okay, time to do that application:)

D-Zerving

What does one deserve? Just by being alive? Human rights are an interesting development, individual rights for everyone. Why not? Is it something the universe would allow for? It would be well and good to have the right to live a life free from harm or unwarranted distress. How can we exercise that right? Why should we? Do we really deserve it? How do we know when the harm or distress is even unwarranted?


These days I live with very little harm and distress. I still have me around and I'm grateful everyday for what I have. There are definitely times I added to the harm and distress I've experienced - times when I believed I wasn't the one able to manifest my own happiness. Or that happiness somehow depended on circumstance or financial stability or the happiness of my loved ones. Now I fight for my right to party. Andrew W.K. is a seemingly strange, but effective form of motivation for me. What a soul! There are so many people with so many views and so many forms of expression and it is SO much healthier than feeding into the darkness. Do we have the right to be healthy? Yes. We just have to fight. HARD.


We will all go through challenging, depressing, traumatic times. I'm asking you to go through them with me - even if we never know or speak to each other. It actually makes no difference if the bad stuff that happened is warranted or not. Maybe we're an ass and we've spent our lives justifying it - does it really matter in the moment that we decide to heal? Nope. Every time we make the choice to heal, we're fighting. Fighting an authority that resides in our brain that has somehow convinced us to identify only with it and its negative nature. Well I say "fuck authority" in this case.


Party on.

Dunking Doughnuts

Hey gang. At the library again. Computer #37. Let me just say: I look great today. Makes me feel great. It's going to be a wonderful week, there have been many wonderful weeks these days - excitement and shared wisdom and enough extraverted communication and deep conversation to keep me stimulated and brimming with bubbly, annoying levels of joy. It's MEEEEEE - APRIIIIIIIL!

Who doesn't love a confident weirdo?! (I know some people don't and I'd really like an explanation.)

Possibilities aplenty. So plentiful it may be hard to focus, especially with this librarian's amazing and stylish ponytail right in front of me, uuugggh cute. Also, there's a dude here with sunglasses on (indoors) that include a frame for his third eye. hahahahaha. haha. ha. WOKE.

The kids being in school is insane to me. What a privilege. They even feed them?! wow. Tonight is the delightful open mic. I've got some phone calls to make and then some driving to do and then some lunch to eat and some life to live and some energy to burn on the stuff I actually CHOOSE to do. Can you tell I'm out from under the heavy weight of depression? It's possible! It's possible and it's HERE! I can achieve success!!! AAAHHH!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA  AAAAHHH!!!! (I guess)

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.