Da Flow

That "Organ Donor" track got some sweet lyrics - at a certain point an idea manifested and the flow was funky fresh (and feisty!) and I can somehow remember the words when I perform it too! Haha. I have a difficult time with that usually. Lately I've been thinking in poems and feeling great... like, probably too great. I'm a sucker for unsustainable levels of happiness. The last several weeks I've been improvising songs for a newly formed band that currently goes by #dorsalfun (yes, hashtag dorsalfun, it's awful on purpose or on porpoise. haha. ugh.) It's such a fantastic group of people - really wonderful musicians. It's an honor to jam with them whenever the opportunity arises.

Work has been stimulating too, I just finished the five weeks of training and am starting the regular schedule the day after tomorrow. With the holidays and a personal day already scheduled, the next three weeks will be four day work weeks. I did laundry today. The kids are all set for school next week and will have a nice winter break soon. These kids are a delight. I bought Roland a new coat with an "R" on it, it's way cute. We went and saw A Christmas Carol last night, amazing actors that also play instruments - it was kind of incredible. Scrooge was really into it. A bunch of drool fell out of his mouth at one point.

Sweaterz

"HeeeEeeeeY"

A lovely woman named Theresa gave me a couple sweaters recently - people are darling!

I'm attempting to pin down some lyrics for this track:

It's not always easy, or ever easy. Either it's difficult to put something into words, or it was difficult before putting it into words.

Tomorrow I start training for a new job at a call center, just answering billing questions and taking payments and doing stuff in peoples accounts and hopefully rising to the top of the company and smoking cigars and owning a sports team or whatever. Can you own a tennis player? It's just a one person team and seems somehow wrong, doesn't it? I guess I should at least TRY to own a tennis player one day.

Tuesday was my last day at a temporary job helping at a voter service and polling center as a supervisor. It was actually quite exciting being in a position like that, my team was fantastic and I was able to connect with all of them - they seemed to appreciate my temperament too. I'd like to thank my dad for the natural leadership abilities, he ran a business and lead a team of workers excellently. You certainly cannot demand respect from people, but it will come when they see your impressive work ethic and the pride you take in a job well done. When it becomes hectic or there are setbacks, solutions are there. We ran out of a form and someone went and made copies. We had huge crowds and got them all taken care of. I saw someone getting worn out and gave them a more manageable task. All with a smile because that junk was FUN and no one was even close to dying so there was nothing to freak out about. A couple of friends came in to vote too. A familiar face is such a delight!

Open mic night on Monday was also really fun, I laughed heartily when Oshee stood with the mic stand oddly dragging between his legs. I received a copy of an experimental spoken-word recording from Brandon. Matt can improvise so flawlessly when a heckler arises. Sarah is an amazing poet that gets on stage and delivers hilarious one-liners. Dude with a moustache poured his cringey heart out. George did weird stuff (very well!) What a night. I'm determined to perform next time. Therapy yesterday was great too - the last few minutes were spent gushing over Tim & Eric. Haha.

FreeDump

There are a lot of really great free things. Air, our senses, learning, talking, friendship, walking, pointing at stuff, taking a satisfying poop (outdoors), body heat, interesting rocks, percussive rhythm, story listening, singing, blinking, scratching, etc. etc. etc.

I just listened to a morning guided meditation, which had me feeling like a mountain stream going over a water wheel, powering my own dreams. When I think about my dreams I realize how simple I am - all I truly want is joy and love. Specifics don't interest me. There is something calling me and a meaningful path ahead of me and it hasn't been paved or maintained or lit or recognized by others as a path at all. The only way I see it is when I take a step further into it. How can one plan their route when the end goal is so obscure? When the dream is a feeling? When it is something that requires swift adaptation and effortless compromise? At least I can be organized in thought enough to write in a journal or blog. To hold a job and feed my kids. To maintain friendships and lessen their hardships and eat some tortilla chips with various types of dips - a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. There's a place for me in the universe and it really doesn't matter what my immediate surroundings think about it - here I am. Not taking up too much space. Not being demanding. What I need comes to me when I actually need it and I used to feel so desperate. What happens when all your life you're regularly told how many hours per month you should feel inclined to share your faith with other humans (and that faith has DETAILS, baby!)? It may be about sacrifice, you tell yourself. Then that's great to hear, because I'm sacrificing a great deal to find the truth about love. I'm not afraid of men or their laws or expectations - I'm not afraid of the women that will support these ideas until death - I'm not afraid of being poor - I'm not afraid of being shunned - I'm not afraid of confrontation - I'm not afraid of thought, especially my own, wonderful thoughts. I was born an anti-cynic. My brain produces its own anti-depressants, it's starting to produce anti-anxiety chemicals too. How many hours a month do I preach now? ALL OF THEM! Hahahahahahahahahahaaha! Did you know that inanimate and dead things aren't jealous of us living things? They're just fine as they are. Trust me. Or don't.

Ga$$ed Up

This morning a thick, wet blanket of snow weighed the city down. Who wants to wake up when it's so cold and snowy out there? ME! It makes everything prettier and it's not the dry, powdery crap either, this is snowball quality! I drove the kids to school then stopped to get gas, turning the snow atop the car into sopping balls to throw in the air and watch plop on the ground, splattering while shattering - splashing while crashing - mushing while crushing - WHERE IS MY HAIR MOUSSE?!

Karaoke tomorrow. It's fun. Love Shack. Perhaps a Nickelback song. Why not? People don't want to admit it, but the audience will probably be singing along and okay with it. It was simply on the radio a little too much during it's day and being recognizable made it easy to diss since not many were into it enough to defend it. I don't care if someone openly admits to disliking Dave Matthews Band or Smash Mouth either. I should also do some Smash Mouth at karaoke.

Things are working out. It would be nice to have one of my brothers move out here to live for a bit and help pay for an apartment. Once I get a job and a couple pay stubs I'll be looking for a place, Jarred should come! MOM! Are you reading my blog?! SEND JARRED IN A MONTH! HE'LL BE 21 AND WE WILL PARTY SOOO RESPONSIBLY! HE CAN PLAY HIS GUITAR AT OPEN MIC AND GET A FREE DRINK! haha.

Cordially

MY SISTER HAD A BABY THIS MORNIN'! Little Bianca Rosa Alvarado:) such a sweet name.

The voter service and polling center job is pretty funny. I'm enjoying it so far, not terribly busy at our location. There is bound to be a time when humans are removed from these positions (hopefully).

I'm in somewhat desperate need of a vocal processor. Tonight is open mic night - not 100% sure I'm performing, but I'm going! Also, the kids and I were invited to dinner at another families home this evening. Thank goodness for the ability to make friends. Drugs can be nice for reducing the anxiety that comes with isolation, but they sure don't help one make friends. It turns out it's incredibly important to socialize regularly. If I miss a night - I feel like crap. Yesterday was a day for sleep, I just kept falling asleep and napping. Guess I needed it. Today is normal, uploaded another track to Soundcloud and about to get them kids. sigh... Can't wait to make some money!

Quirkly

Bouncing around, holding in my pee - I'm excited because, well, you see: learning is always possible and I love possibility. Learning how to spot the next opportunity. Learning how to love the best so love can come to me. Learning how to express it all and set my spirit free. A hot tear may fall, rolling down my cheek while thinking back on all the sweetness I was dipped in this past week. A sniffle and a smile, but not inclined to speak - just to listen. Finally. 

Yesterday I took a lovely walk with my daughter. She's nine and different than me, it's great to learn from her. When you love someone SO hard, you have to learn. I think my mom probably feels the same way about me. Thanks for loving me so hard, mom:) Thanks for believing in me.

Stoff 'n' Jonk

Another call center jorb is in the works, I'll be so happy to have a jorb again! I also did some phone recordings a few days ago for a local company. My voice is such an invaluable instrument y'all! There was a gentleman at the open mic on Monday that invited me to do a show later this month as well - the more I perform the more I get to perform:) The more I put into it, the more I get out. There should be costumes, hair, makeup and certainly more playing of instruments - I wish I knew a stand-up bass player. Then we can audition for the Tiny Desk thing. Speaking of, I stumbled upon a "Hobo Johnson and the Lovemakers" Tiny Desk performance and thoroughly enjoyed it. The sound quality on those videos is always top-notch.




It's a bit chaotic and I very much relate to the style and love what some may call a "cringeworthy" display of emotions. Hahaha. My son saw me look this video up and wants to watch it now, byeeeeeeeee.