Wish Upon a Scar

 How I wish I knew what I was. So often it's desirable to be one that lets go, but my subconscious teaches me time and time again that it's not the case. "Look how vivid your memories are, let's relive a moment, a feeling, a thought! You're feeling it again because you want to, you must crave it when you're suppressing it in your waking hours, and you've grown fond of this boiling lake of acid because it is extreme and you're so insensitive otherwise."

How much meat have I eaten without harming a fly? This disconnect is stale, I yearn for blood and see so clearly that I have no honor. My current path is following something paved and designed and calculated and like a pretend-exciting journey. Like waiting in line for a theme park ride with fake skeletons and chests fills with fake golden coins and fake prison bars and previously recorded screams and fake stone and real dust. Married by a judge, gave birth in a hospital, vaccinated, divorced by a judge, too capable to risk much, cynical, but still with an undying belief in love. 

Just within the past week the corners of my mouth point so far down. There is weight to the air and I'm conserving energy for battle. What am I supposed to be?

Am I?

 Woof, I've been toying with my identity lately. Always fancied myself as an artist - my very core tied up in this title. Distancing myself from this and other labels internally has been very sad. Feeling lost and unknown and empty - far beyond the intensity of leaving the religion I was in from birth until nearly thirty years old. I guess I just want to BE. At least for a time, to see what I've been blind to due to assumptions about myself and the universe. 

 Yet... I keep putting gas in my car, taking the kids to school, going to my office job, talking to the same friends, going to the same open mic, living in the same apartment, cooking the same meals, speaking the same language, surrounded by the same culture, day after day after day after day. Previously, I didn't identify as fearful but with a tiny bit of examination I see it now. Because I'd labeled myself as "tired", I don't stray far from my routine. Because I'd labeled myself as "thrifty", I don't spend money until a sense of urgency has developed. Because I'd labeled myself as "independent", I don't live anywhere near family. Because I'd labeled myself as "dependable", I'll stay right where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of someone else's wants. All seemingly "good" things. So why hasn't the universe rewarded me? Ha! It's as if I labeled myself as "deserving" or "worthy" and if I were to just quickly glance up from my self I'd see that all I'm owed is "this". So neutral and dauntingly up to my own overused brain to decipher.

No Shave Life

It's November and that means a bunch of dudes not shaving at work. Little do they know I haven't shaved my legs and armpits for like, a year. There are a lot of ideas that people think are super concrete or something. More and more I feel like maybe I'm here just to surprise people, hopefully pleasantly. I enjoy watching people from up high, seeing their tiny cars driving by and the trains carrying fuel and all the buildings they work and live in. I love looking into lit offices in big office buildings at night, hoping to see a single person in there staring out at me. "I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me to see me looking back at you".

Another precious, easy Tuesday. Am I an adult? I always got the feeling that adulthood would feel different. My resistance to loans and ownership has paid off. We never really own anything anyways. We just claim something is ours until we die. Really we should just take care of each other and be reasonable. Ain't that some hippie crap?! I got a fortune from a cookie that said, "everything in the universe is perfect - even your desire to improve it"

...now I want Chinese food. UGH, I love all the food in the world. I don't like being in one place all day long though. I'd like to work remotely more often. Or just not be here so much. I keep getting sucked AND pushed back in. I have a problem with authority - in that I don't seem to have much of it. Asking for things that might make me feel my best is just not easy. I know I don't need much, but the asking is incredibly scary. How annoying! I'm more annoying, my life is more annoying, every task is annoying. It's in my bones. Even my daughter is often afraid to ask for things, which is ...annoying! I've passed on my super annoying trait and it's going to take a lot of work to combat it. Cute. I love her and my mom loves me and we'll just stick together and help each other. Aw, now I feel okay.