Zippo

Good Lord, it's June.
I'm in need of lasers and fog machines right about now. Strobey lights. Throbbing bass.
You know what's gross? Dead people.

(making a motorboat sound with my mouth)

Why do some people enjoy being a great source of exasperation? Do they GAIN ANYTHING?!!!

One time, I got hit in the face by a pie pan filled with shaving cream and for an undetermined length of time I felt like I was in a dream. 

Living in a non-childproof house with my daughter is like a hell that even Christendom would shutter at.

I hate when a guy wears shorts and then sits in such a way so that you can see directly into the leg hole all the way up to their area.

I'm going to miss incandescent light bulbs.