Buh Nanaz

The whole entire year is almost behind us. Big whoop. Ring! Ring!

"Hello?"
-"This is 2016, first off: congratulations on not being a celebrity"
"Thanks!"
-"Secondly, it was just a prank bro!"

Phew, isn't that nice to know? It was all just a prank.

In Fact-uation

My eyeballs are dry and itchy. My armpits are moist and unsettling. It's that time of the day again, the time of day that I would rather go home than stay at work for another hour and a half. Been sitting here with a space heater in my cold office, but the space heater is so hot and drying. I dug into my cuticle too far with a cuticle trimmer earlier - thumbs are chock full o'blood! My cuticles are just so dry, as are my nostrils. I work at work too, but all that usually gets washed out of my brain because it has never been interesting to anyone I enjoy talking with regularly. I suppose it makes for a nice cover-up job for a super hero. "What? SHE'S the shape-shifting vigilante from the news?! But, she's just some stupid customer service rep for a data center in a not-very-big city that told me all about 95th percentile bandwidth billing!"

Lord help me.

On the plus side, I figured out how to use the sauna in the women's locker room up in this building. There's a gym here too. If there's a way to sneak out everyday at around 4:00 and just sit in the sauna, I'd be on a much better schedule. Actually, I'd like to demand a hot tub be installed as well. Aw heck, why not a margarita dispenser too? Tequila is my faaaaaaavorite. Then I'll be in the news for dying of dehydration or alcohol poisoning instead of for saving orphans from a burning building by shape-shifting into an elephant for the children to ride to safety on, then using my water-filled trunk to put the fire out. Then I shape-shift into an eagle to make my exit, although my powers don't limit me to just animals, but that's what I would probably want to become the most. Animals are my faaaaaaavorite. Speaking of animals, I recently watched the live-action Jungle Book and it is spectacular. The story line is better and little Mowgli is so great to watch. I will always love the animated version too.

Lord help me more than that.

Presidon't Hate

Dude. Everyone is an individual. Now look at my sweet Jason and I make faces, for we are happy together in that very moment back in June:

Breef Broff

I have to write this blog really fast because I only have 5 minutes until I have to leave. This blog is specifically intended for the universe, namely, everything that exists:

Why are some people such absolute turds?!

And this concludes this blog entry. Thank you for reading.

...boy, I have like, 4 minutes left. Maybe I shan't conclude right now. Maybe I'll go on to discuss such topics as pot roast, baby carrots, and amazing mashed potatoes.

nope. I took too much time thinking about gravy and now I'm out of time. bye.

No Shave Life

It's November and that means a bunch of dudes not shaving at work. Little do they know I haven't shaved my legs and armpits for like, a year. There are a lot of ideas that people think are super concrete or something. More and more I feel like maybe I'm here just to surprise people, hopefully pleasantly. I enjoy watching people from up high, seeing their tiny cars driving by and the trains carrying fuel and all the buildings they work and live in. I love looking into lit offices in big office buildings at night, hoping to see a single person in there staring out at me. "I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me to see me looking back at you".

Another precious, easy Tuesday. Am I an adult? I always got the feeling that adulthood would feel different. My resistance to loans and ownership has paid off. We never really own anything anyways. We just claim something is ours until we die. Really we should just take care of each other and be reasonable. Ain't that some hippie crap?! I got a fortune from a cookie that said, "everything in the universe is perfect - even your desire to improve it"

...now I want Chinese food. UGH, I love all the food in the world. I don't like being in one place all day long though. I'd like to work remotely more often. Or just not be here so much. I keep getting sucked AND pushed back in. I have a problem with authority - in that I don't seem to have much of it. Asking for things that might make me feel my best is just not easy. I know I don't need much, but the asking is incredibly scary. How annoying! I'm more annoying, my life is more annoying, every task is annoying. It's in my bones. Even my daughter is often afraid to ask for things, which is ...annoying! I've passed on my super annoying trait and it's going to take a lot of work to combat it. Cute. I love her and my mom loves me and we'll just stick together and help each other. Aw, now I feel okay.

Rocktober

We just went up to the Rocky Mountain National Park a few days ago with our ol' pal Brandon. It was, of course, incredible. Mountains are something I didn't really think I'd get into growing up in Florida. They were always a feature in paintings and illustrations of paradise. Now I live right next to the Rocky Mountains and my brain is ever aware of them. They're beautiful, thought-invoking, inspiring, humbling, all the stuff you'd think they'd be. They're weird too. You get to a certain altitude and trees shrink and life gets sparse. The cold and snowy peaks where rivers are conceived and geology rules. I imagined so many deaths from falling! We were so high up there on giant, jagged, hard, unforgiving rocks! What a time to be alive in this universe, on this planet where there is enough calmness to allow life like mine. I can imagine this planet's molten past and fast-forward through the atmosphere's gradual creation. It took an unimaginable amount of time to solidify this much - and earth's plates are STILL floating around, crashing into and pulling away from each other, forming mountain ranges that appear stationary and infinite and immovable. Sacred.

Jumble Booque

Science parties are where it's at. We drove about an hour east into rural Calhan where the stars are MUCH more visible. Here, Jason is enjoying a drink with dry ice in it. 

Below you will see an impressive corn starch fueled fire

Moving on to the next day, my little niece! She is so great and SO hungry. I'm told she was born smacking her tongue, ready for some booby:)

Happy 39th anniversary to my parents, I made my mom a carrot cake. She always makes sure she's there for us when we need her. Dad is so generous in sharing her and keeping her so happy.

Tasted real good. Just a box cake with homemade cream cheese frosting, walnuts and the same cream cheese frosting with food coloring splooged about in semi carrot shapes.

Her favorite

Sigh-ence

My sister's baby was born... is born? Has been born? She's out! She looks beautiful (of course) from the pictures I've seen. Babies are somethin'. Can't wait to meet her.

Chemical reactions are somethin' too. We're going to a science party tomorrow and I'm going to make one o' them explosive foam concoctions. I even saved a pretty vinegar bottle to use. Looks a bit like a round boiling flask. Wish I could get my hands on some 30% hydrogen peroxide. Maybe I should cook some meth and make a profit. Or not. Oh, I have to remember to grab some eye protection.

I've been dressing like an art teacher lately. Jason got me this dangly bohemian sweater and it's frickin' freezing in my office! It's nice and cool outside too. G'bye summer, I hardly knew ye.

Cysterz

My sister-in-law is visiting Colorado right now. We haven't seen her yet, but I'm hoping we get to see her and her husband and kids sometime this week. My sister is having a baby girl by the end of the month too. I hope I can also see them real soon.

There's a real Internet problem in this town! Every week we get several phone calls from people looking for ANYONE to provide decent Internet service and they'll get quoted some insane build cost to make it happen. I know that sounds random, but it's something I've noticed after working at a data center for 4 years.

I wish I knew what I was doing with my life.

Warning: Contains Poop

I just ordered some lenses for my iPhone camera. They seem like a neat accessory. Especially for capturing various styles of bird crap!

^^^This was a massive poo!^^^

This one was seen on a train. Birds in more rural areas appear to have healthier diets. I could see berry juice in this one!

The most disgusting bird turd I've ever laid eyes on. This bird gorged itself on maggots before pooping on my car's driver door. Oddly, it's also the most artful dump. 

No Such Thang

I'm of the opinion that boredom isn't a real thing. It's a shame that some can't think of ANYTHING to do, but here's the thing: there is ALWAYS something to do. Even if it's stupid and pointless, we have the time and freedom to use our lives in any way we see fit. Even if we end up in prison for it. Or dead. Whatever. Now watch my dumb face use roasted seaweed to fashion a variety of mustaches!

All 2 Common

Sometimes I'll look on Craigslist at the strictly platonic personal section to read what women are writing in their attempt to make friends. There are so many women about my age realizing they have no friends and I enjoy meeting new people, so maybe if someone writes something good enough, I'll respond. I tried meeting one lady, but then I got sick when we were supposed to go out to dinner and had to cancel. Then it seems that another lady she also met via Craigslist became the friend she was looking for anyways. I was invited to an expensive Mother's Day brunch they were going to and I had to decline for lack of money (and lack of ever celebrating Mother's Day, so I could care less - which would probably be the most sad and shocking thing these women have ever heard).

I posted on Craigslist to advertise my pet portraits and someone that lives in my neighborhood sent me a text. They liked my art and wanted to know if I'd teach their kid how to use colored pencils. We were going to meet at the park, but then they cancelled and when I tried to reschedule recently they never responded.

I'm starting to see what's wrong with a seemingly vast majority of people. We aren't really into people. It's sad when we don't get to know our neighbors and so many don't have friends. I'm getting infected too. I don't tend to hang out with people that are different than me. Is it because there's no benefit to it? No - it's because I'm a butthole and I just want people around me that will understand everything I say and laugh at my jokes. Should I just accept that? Probably. But I prefer the turmoil that comes with trying. The butthole that wouldn't quit. I'm an "in-your-face" kind of butthole! A great tagline for someone that wants to be your friend. Spell check keeps hating on the butt+hole compound word. Spell check is a butthole.

Needee

Some days, man. I woke up not wanting to exist. That's not true though, I'd love to exist right now in Hawaii. I would also enjoy existing as someone else for today. Perhaps someone that resides in Hawaii. There's something about routine or employment or office work or computers or modern life that just doesn't sit well with me. Day after day after day after day until I'm numb to it. Then once I get a bit of a break I finally regain my senses and realize it's all wrong. I'd rather work with animals. Wild animals. It would take a long time to grow numb to the sight of wild animals. I'm the wildest of the wild animals, however.

I cut my fingernails into pointy points a couple days ago. I feel like a kitten.

My focus: make a music video. Hopefully finish it up by the end of the weekend.

The family is going to see Zootopia at the dollar theater this evening. We should have more family nights. Every Tuesday methinks.

I'm so glad kids grow up. They're so new and little and it would be devastating if they stayed that way. It's nice to watch them figure things out and climb on the counter to get their own cup or pour their own bowl of cereal. They would really hate being babies or kids forever. Naomi already thinks she deserves the respect of an adult. She stepped right on my freakin' bongo drum and I was like, "whoa! don't do that!" and she couldn't believe I would talk to her like that. Haha. Those big, watery eyes. Roland keeps saying he's six years old. Although yesterday he did say, "I'm not six, I'm seven." (he's three)

I'm wearing some worn out clothes today. There's a safety pin on my pants to keep my zipper up and a safety pin on my shirt to close a seam that came undone. At least I'm good at hiding it. Not as skilled as a seamstress. Is there a safety-pin-only type of seamstress? That's what I'll be.

FamLee Fughn

What a great visit from family, anniversary, girls day out and concert I just had in the span of a week! It was also surprisingly relaxing.

AnivursAree MunTh

To Infinity & Bed & Bath & Beyond!

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a fat 9 year old boy that is obsessed with mayonnaise sandwiches and playing video games. There are many characters that I like to be for humor's sake. So many, in fact, that I don't know who I AM! Just kidding.

Naomi and I started painting little characters from this dumb show she likes (I also like the dumb show) and now I can't stop:

I started painting them without her. Although, her involvement gives them way more charm.

It's our 8th wedding anniversary in 4 days. Jason got me BONGOS! They're beautiful and super fun! I got us a couple tickets to go see The Cure in concert. We apparently can't wait 'til the actual date because we just get too dang excited!

My folks are coming out for a visit next week too! YAY! My dad and son will finally meet. My sister is coming too! Double YAY! We shall have a girl's day out and have layers of skin scraped off or some other type of odd treatment that women love.

Psh... women!

Playhouse 3.0

I'm on my third try with the kid's playhouse and I think I did it good. It gets rebuilt just about once a year because I get an itch to build. There was a neighbor throwing out some glass doors so I snagged one for one of the walls. I still need to do a bit more work to make it looks slightly less ghetto, but it is definitely the most fun and big playhouse yet. I'm even planting a garden right outside the glass wall so we can watch it grow. There were a butt-load of rocks all up in that dirt that I had to get outta there, but I love dirt.

A saw would help but all I had was scrap wood, a screw gun and screws. I think we'll get a saw to cut some trim, a door, and hack off some unnecessary overhanging wood on the front. The flower on the front makes me happy and there's even a little dollar store wind chime hanging on the front. The end.

Puke

I got the nasty flu Thursday late at night. The type that makes ones body reject normal digestion procedures and just demands an evacuation *IMMEDIATELY* from top to bottom.

Then my bones and joints started hurting, especially my spine. Laying in bed was like laying on a boulder, but that's what I did yesterday anyways.

I feel better today (Saturday) but I guess I should take it easy. I was hoping to rebuild the playhouse since it's been so nice outside, but it looks a bit like rain might happen.

There are some seedlings of bell peppers and tomatoes starting to grow. I should build a vegetable bed soon too. Probably won't be able to plant them outside 'til late May/early June, so, there's no rush. Gardening is fun. It's more than fun.

com iddie

Seinfeld. I love Seinfeld.

George mentions that his superiors want to have lunch with him. He starts wondering why they'd want to do that. Elaine walks into the situation, unwittingly. George uncomfortably says, "I'm really starting to worry about this lunch." then Elaine asks, "What did you have?"

It's so good.

I wish with my heart of hearts I could come up with something so pure and funny. So uncluttered and quick. So much behind it and yet, it's effortless.

*Kissing my fingers like an Italian chef* perfection

I just ate a turkey meatloaf sandwich. It was really good. Toasted wheat, mayo, salt&pepper, lettuce and cold meatloaf. That Himalayan pink salt is pretty great. You barely need any. I have a pear too, but I'm saving it for later. So that I can forget about it and it turns brown and I don't have to be healthy.

It's nice getting older. I have more complaints than fears.

Left Ovaries

I've had so many requests for recipes, but listen guys and gals and inbetweeners and nothings, the Internet is loaded with 'em. To be honest, no one requests anything from me because this blog is basically just whatever garbage I want to spew, but here's a fun thing I like to do with leftover pizza in the morning:

 Did ya get that?

1 Like = 1 Preyer

"The pool is dirty, but I'm feelin' clean and love is a drug"

It's been a fun month. The posts kept flowing from me, it might be easy to just keep rambling eternally. I, I say, for all eternity that is. I'm gunna add a butt load of labels to this post. I don't think I've ever done that ish. I'll label it as comedy... since my entire life is a joke. Wouldn't have it any other way, Frank.

I've been taking walks outside during lunch lately. They make me want to just walk away. Never turn around. Shave my head. Put red lipstick on all messy-like. Adopt a kitten, name him Toadstool. Forget my family. etc etc.

That's enough of that - let's check out the Giggle Channel!

_______

Well, it looks like Giggle doesn't like when a cat of any color crosses his path. Thankfully, no animals were harmed -physically- in the making of this video. But the psychological harm was INTENSE. That cat totally (eventually) died!

Dead as a Snail

My snail died a while ago. It was a blue mystery snail. It's entire existence was a mystery. I don't know why it lived so long and I don't know what finally caused it's death.

I've been painting with watercolor lately. Dogs. It turns out I really love painting dogs. Always have. No matter how much I try to escape it. Here's some portraits I painted in chronological order:

1. Saw this boxer's pinkness and had to paint it. A bit cartoony with the dark outline and super sad eyes.

2. A Greater Swiss Mountain Dog, a more realistic look. Such a noble dude.

 3. Those ears! What a kind expression too. I love the beauty mark on many a German Shephard's cheek.

I advertised on Craigslist for custom pet portraits last night. The first two are dogs featured on Instagram's @thedogist UGH, I love that feed. The German Shepherd is my sister's boyfriends dog, Duke. He's just a babe and he's HUGE. Maybe I'll take video next time. People seem to love seeing the process unfold. Pervs. 

Pink Himalayan Cheeks

You're here for more Giggle, I can tell. Let's just start off with a poorly lit video then, shall we?

Watch it a few dozen times and then we can talk... I'll wait...

_______

Hi, you have your cootie shot, so it's business time. Or hammer time. Or clobberin' time. I'm making some salmon for dinner tonight. With rice and broccoli or maybe roasted vegetables. I think I'll go get a bulb of garlic and piece of ginger and some Pink Himalayan fine sea salt. 

I've been doing some speed typing tests to improve my typing skills, it turns out I'm not very good. 

Why do people leave huge wads of toilet paper in the freakin' toilet? Who doesn't look to see what they're leaving for other people to deal with? It happens a LOT. I worked at a Dunkin' Donuts and I was the only one willing to clean the men's bathroom which was left in a state I would call "Dookie Apocalypse". A customer came up to my coworker and I and got all irate about the mess and was like, "how do I know your entire establishment isn't just as disgusting? ...I'm going to inform the health inspectors [blah blah blah]" It wasn't one of those built-up-over-time messes, like a port-o-potty. It was clearly one guy that had problems. So I put on my gloves and got me a bucket of bleach water. I was the hero of the day! When I left that job for an office job, the old woman I worked with from New Jersey said, "I'm gunna miss ya kid, you're a damn good worker." Working at a shop that sells greasy dough with coffee in the crappiest part of town isn't for the faint of heart. When I was by myself working there one fine day an old man kept winking at me and he even stuck his tongue out seductively(?) He asked me if I liked to party. I was so confused/entertained. Always a sucker for the awkward, cringey stuff. At the time I didn't even know what was meant by "you like to party?". So I said yeah. Haha. 

Budge It

I'm pretty good at saving money. It must be my inherent lack of desire for stuff and junk. There's just no hole to fill. I love buying art supplies, but I don't go overboard. I eat too much, but it's still not THAT much. Everything in moderation, except humor. Laughing is something I can never get enough of. Building my credit has been pretty fun lately too. It's like a game and I think I'm starting to win. Took me long enough. UGH. My husband sent me this video, which explains why so many people suck so much:

But his hair is probably too distracting. In the words of Rick Sanchez: "I'll tell you how I feel about school, Jerry: it's a waste of time. Bunch of people runnin' around bumpin' into each other, got a guy up front says, '2 + 2,' and the people in the back say, '4.' Then the bell rings and they give you a carton of milk and a piece of paper that says you can go take a dump or somethin'. I mean, it's not a place for smart people, Jerry. I know that's not a popular opinion, but that's my two cents on the issue."

_______

Giggle does some serious yard work, then treats himself to a delicious treat!

Mairtull Blister

Oh sweet adulthood, how you've forced me to grow. I've put in too much work to give up now. So much work. I'm not even proud of a lot of it. I don't even think I should know some of the stuff I now know. It must be love. Hopefully it doesn't go unnoticed forever.

...and if it DOES go unnoticed forever? OH WELL - Giggle iz in da howzzzzzzzzzzzze!

________ 

Wonder what the weather is like today... huh, let's check the Giggle News Network (GNN): 

Cruz Boog '16

Energy drinks - occasionally I'll partake. Whoa, the skin on top of my hands is so dry right now. All I have is this smelly lotion at my desk.

I put the lotion on and it took 47 minutes to rub that crap in. Had to stand there talking to someone while rubbing my hands together vigorously. The skin looks a tiny bit better. I'm just aging is all. The little skin triangles start to get bigger and looser on the backs of my hands. Is that a tiny scab or what?What is that little red speck? Probably cancer. Ugh. Should I start wearing makeup every day? I sure as heck am not going to start shaving again. I don't care how much my pits look like sickly wizards. It's my way of being rebellious probably. Maybe I'll dye them some funky color. Wasn't that a fad just a couple weeks ago? Am I too late?! I choose purple pits.

I've been making a few songs with Garage Band on my phone lately. They're dumb but maybe one day they won't be so dumb. Or maybe what I consider dumb right now won't be dumb anymore. What I'm saying is: LOL. People are pretty dumb.

_______

In our latest episode of Giggle Turdman, we find Giggle up to his waist in ...a hole. Will he survive? Will he get PTSD? Will you be able to watch this whole-entire video? Find out NOW!

Goin' Noh Ware

Today started out great. Really nice;) *wink* I'm just feelin' good lately. EVEN THOUGH the red M&M in the stairwell at work is gone - you see I would make it a point to smile as big as I could whenever I saw it. Training myself to look happy might make me be happy, right? ...now it's gone. Perhaps it knew it's work was done. Perhaps someone got sick of seeing it. Perhaps someone saw it for the first time and figured it didn't belong there. Perhaps someone accidentally kicked it away and it's hidden in a crack somewhere. Perhaps someone/thing ate it. 

Molly, mother of Madonna this is one heck of a live performance:

It makes me want to say "I miss the 90's" but honestly, I can watch this whenever I want on YouTube on a phone wherever there's a signal and I don't have to live in FL with my parents. So nah, I don't miss the 90's.

______

Here's the new episode of Giggle Turdman!!! I know you've been waiting so patiently, you're so good and I'm in a spicy mood. It's Friday! 

Stay tuned for an episode that's EVEN LONGER!

Safety Fifth (Or Sixth)

You know what's not worth the time/effort AT ALL? -Homemade onion rings. They're delicious, but hot dang it's just food. Not even good-for-you type food. I added some fresh Chile powder to the batter which was a good move. Love spices. Spicy. Speaking of spice, it's time for another episode of Giggle Turdman!

_________

Giggle Turdman returns with a dramatic performance! This four second emotional roller coaster will leave you questioning your very existence:

Stay tuned for our next harrowing episode in which Giggle finds himself in quite a predicament. Will he be able to overcome his weirdness and accept the daunting challenge of normalcy? Probably not!

Giggle Turdman

A hundred years ago when I was 19 or 20 I had the great fortune of having a camcorder. If only there was a loving, older sibling around to record my dumb moments on video. But alas, I was that older, loving sibling. Joyfully I recorded the history of our boredom and silliness. Here is a clip of my brother Jarred, now 18 years old, but at the time he was about 8... I think.
This video also briefly features my sister, now 23 (and currently pregnant with her own little hilarious person!) she must've been 13ish in this clip, but really, Jarred is the star:

The only way to time travel. #homemovies

Biff & Chizz

Chronic stress makes the brain shrink. That's probably the most frightening thing to me. It can make it hard to learn and remember. That's so awful. I guess I'd better take a vacation. Oh wait, I have no money. Now I'm dumb and have to continue working, but I'm just getting worse at my job and stressing about my poor performance and getting dumber and dumber until I get fired. Now I'm an unemployed, desperate sap with dementia. Now I'm dead. The End.

Haha.

It's funny how stressed we can get from money. It's not even food or shelter or love. You know what might be equivalent to love? Free Chipotle. That's right, I got a coupon for free Chipotle and I just now ate it for lunch. I'm sometimes good at being an adult. I found a way to get cheap internet, don't have debt, no car payment, low rent, simple life. One way to find appreciation for a low income lifestyle is to look at the comment section on articles about trying to get your spouse to stop spending tons of money. I didn't realize how good I had it until a commenter mentioned their spouse buying a car whenever they felt like it. Having to refinance their mortgage all the time. Being in so much debt that they will die in debt. I hover right around zero and I'm richer than most people I know.

I even bought a couple glasses that help give women clean drinking water. Because I'm so much richer than so many people. Plus, I'm gettin' some fancy chalices! I also ordered a wall mount paper towel holder. Because sometimes I spill my clean, readily available water all over and have to soak it up with paper products just to throw it away and buy more for my sweet wall mount paper towel holder. Duh.