WORKWORKWORK

In these times of stressfulness and uncertainty it is so easy to forget the seeds I've planted in recent history. Perhaps I've become paralyzed a bit by fear, but the last couple of weeks have not been so bad. I have been doing the work and planning in order to lift myself out of this desperation - the universe reminds me that it's coming - an answer. Not to lash out at those that have tried to help (through all of THEIR OWN hazy mess of complex life). We are only trying to help each other. Remember.

Bridges, I want all the bridges. I dig ditches just to build more bridges. Some say I'm smart, at times my skull feels too tight. Do I even know enough about anything?

Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.

No Shave Life

It's November and that means a bunch of dudes not shaving at work. Little do they know I haven't shaved my legs and armpits for like, a year. There are a lot of ideas that people think are super concrete or something. More and more I feel like maybe I'm here just to surprise people, hopefully pleasantly. I enjoy watching people from up high, seeing their tiny cars driving by and the trains carrying fuel and all the buildings they work and live in. I love looking into lit offices in big office buildings at night, hoping to see a single person in there staring out at me. "I was looking back to see if you were looking back at me to see me looking back at you".

Another precious, easy Tuesday. Am I an adult? I always got the feeling that adulthood would feel different. My resistance to loans and ownership has paid off. We never really own anything anyways. We just claim something is ours until we die. Really we should just take care of each other and be reasonable. Ain't that some hippie crap?! I got a fortune from a cookie that said, "everything in the universe is perfect - even your desire to improve it"

...now I want Chinese food. UGH, I love all the food in the world. I don't like being in one place all day long though. I'd like to work remotely more often. Or just not be here so much. I keep getting sucked AND pushed back in. I have a problem with authority - in that I don't seem to have much of it. Asking for things that might make me feel my best is just not easy. I know I don't need much, but the asking is incredibly scary. How annoying! I'm more annoying, my life is more annoying, every task is annoying. It's in my bones. Even my daughter is often afraid to ask for things, which is ...annoying! I've passed on my super annoying trait and it's going to take a lot of work to combat it. Cute. I love her and my mom loves me and we'll just stick together and help each other. Aw, now I feel okay.