Bootiest

Typically this is the day of the week I participate in a local open mic. The person that usually watches my kids, however, is visiting with her brother while he processes some life-changing news. It is incredibly good to go with the flow and make it easier for other folks to be right where they need to be. Most of the time I find that it puts me right where I need to be too. Which is at the library at the moment. I took a turn to get here that I don't typically take because I followed a sign I don't usually notice and it put me on a path which had me pass an interesting building. So interesting that I turned into the parking lot to check the hours of operation. Since I've got nothin' to lose at this point, I may as well go out and say this is a Buddhist center. Why is it so interesting to me? It has always been interesting to me. I'm drawn to it. From the time before I could grasp reading and writing there was a concept much like reincarnation I would ponder. The conservation of energy seemed to be something innate in my brain. This is definitely not something any person in my life taught me about as a little kid, on the contrary, there were too many lessons to be learned about displeasing a creator (or mom and dad or any grown up that knew "better") to give much thought to the rest of the universe.

We shall see, shan't we? ...or not, which is fine too. Y'all, I'm accidentally Buddhist. Maybe. I do so love the phrase "Everything in moderation. Including moderation." It doesn't even matter if this is just something that intrigues me or makes you laugh. What matters? I have a hunch, you have a hunch - let's practice!

Geez Us

The library has become my sanctuary. I've already been coming here pretty regularly to print stuff and get books and movies and now I'm here multiple times a week. The latest book I read (and just finished today) was A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. It made sense, surprisingly, and it confirmed my belief that infinity is more likely than not. This might sound stupid or impossible: I saw infinity - felt it - experienced it(?) It led me to the conclusion that I read about in the book: no boundaries. Even though there was a "beginning" the universe was infinitely curved and our perception of time can't really apply. There is the idea of "imaginary time", which might actual be more real than our "real time" and let's not even get into multiple dimensions right now because I should probably be focusing on getting some crappy job in this "real" universe in order to afford "real" Internet. The comments about God in the book are interesting, there is always some input by some religious groups about what scientists are observing and theorizing. It's like the masses have to have science chewed up and fed to them by religion or they refuse to even taste it. At least that's what some religions are like. Culture needs to shift a bit, methinks. We all have purpose without a definition, much like the understanding of physics throughout time we'll never know everything and change is inevitable and there are negative and positive energies, particles and anti-particles at work that we have no way to predict or fully observe but HEY, we're here. The book also made some comments about modern philosophy and it felt as if those comments were directed at me personally.


The other two books I started reading are about women stuff. Leadership and regaining our diminished confidence, basically. To hear growing up that "you can do anything" then immediately "well, you probably don't want to do that because...[something about tits]" makes for a confusing message. Feeling stuck has been a major theme in my life. One I've overcome time and time again. This life won't last forever and while I've faced some negative B.S., I now realize it may very well be because I'm such a positive force. Seeing that makes my positive mass expand and I will cancel out a whole bunch of negative in my lifetime. It's fun for me. Ooooo, thunder just struck. All these afternoon storms are fantastic and much needed. Blessings!

Perfricked Thyming

Isn't right now just a great time to not have Internet at home?

Information that could be so much easier to acquire, is now a drive away with limited access and surrounded by others that could look at my shit. Right when I really could use the Internet to research schooling, jobs, tax info, account info, all the info I apparently need in order to start divorce proceedings...

The universe loves me, sure. What about the immediate surroundings? Eh, it'll all work out. My urge to react is hopefully being controlled enough to provide me with some sort of eventual reward. Playing it cool does pay off. It does. It does. It does. It does. It does. Did I mention I can't listen to guided meditations at bedtime now? Here's one good thing: Boost Mobile let's customers stream as much music as they want without counting it toward data usage. Spotify may have guided meditations, I don't know. Things ain't so bad. "Black Holes Ain't So Black".

Since I'm already at the library I can also just get more books on physics or origami or how to build better relationships or how to be independently wealthy and achieve a life where my desires are manifested and I no longer even understand what anger is. I suppose all I have to do is be content with what I already have... BUT NO INTERNET?!?!?! WWWWHHHHYYYYYY?! haha.

Doozy

Taking naps has it's consequences. Friday, while feeling particularly tired from a full (and good) week, I decided to take a nap. That made it a difficult night to sleep soundly and there was much rustling and jostling. Usually I don't recall my dreams, but this light sleep made for some horrific, HORRIFIC synapses that no one could possibly prepare for. My subconscious was working so hard I probably burned 5000 calories (I ate a TON the next day). Bad dreams, or nightmares, are amazing trips into a world of anxiety and great fear. It is in these virtual realities where we can safely experience incredibly unsafe scenarios and, upon awakening, decide how we would even begin to process such events. "Oh, they're dreams - they don't mean anything" is a common response, though I'm not saying they're prophetic or realistic, there is something to them.

As an incredibly trusting person, am I helping my family? There are diseases that effect people in such a way that they disconnect with their sense of empathy. They may be smart enough to know that they should display a respectful demeanor without even knowing what empathy feels like. There are people that aren't as intelligent and they don't even have the sense to pretend to be respectful. Then again, perhaps that's a more honest approach. Then there are people that nearly kill themselves in order to please others and that can be just as bad, as it could enable the diseased. These are all difficult traits to recognize if you're not tuned into them and we all fall somewhere within the spectrum of give and take. Hopefully we're near enough to the middle that there are slight fluctuations between being one or the other.

There also seems to be a form of taking that doesn't drain anything or anyone else. Infinity has always been an intriguing concept to me. Everlasting, unending, all-encompassing, alpha, omega, eternal, bottomless fries at Red Robin. No matter how much you take, the same amount that you started with remains left over. It's nothing short of a miracle and there is no tangible evidence or way to prove the original source of it, so I won't even try. Good lord, April! WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?! - it's love, you dopes. Love from the universe that exists whether you're "good" or "bad", interestingly. People tap into it through different methods and it is ever balancing the state of things and stuff. For me, I like to sit and watch clouds around sunset. Breathe in mountain air and breathe out some other chemical-gases. Watching a hummingbird watching me for a relatively large fraction of it's life compared to mine. Hear the moving waters of a river. Hear the rain and thunder. It certainly feels infinite anyway, even if this is all temporary. What more could you want?

Tim Time :(

Time to discuss Tim. He's a yeller. He yells at his kids for several minutes straight because he doesn't know how to cope with his own stress. My kids and I planned on going to the river today and Tim was coming to the house to take his kids since he has joint custody with his ex-wife, my roommate. We kindly invited Tim to follow us there if he would like. Things were okay for a while, then the cork popped and for 15 minutes he yelled at the kids. He yelled at them for being too far, for being on rocks, for getting wet, for forgetting to bring towels, for finding raspberries, for taking too long to get their shoes on, and probably for other reasons that I didn't quite catch while I attempted to relax by a lovely river.

Here is my face in the 12th minute:

Some people have no clue what they're doing to the people around them. I told Tim that he yells a lot. He started saying things like, "well I'm going through stuff with my landlord... I had a hard day at work... I woke up late... etc. etc" I said, "Tim, those are all excuses and have nothing to do with me. I'm still hearing you yell a lot." He said, "I know" then continued yelling at his kids immediately. He only allows himself to live in the miserable moments and can't see what is right in front of him. Can't even appreciate this absolutely GORGEOUS environment. My kids got their shoes on and we were gone without saying goodbye and had a yummy dinner at La Casita!

All-in-all it was an amazing day! Naomi turned 9 today and I was able to get her the full version of Minecraft (she previously just had the pocket edition on her tablet and it was killing her when she couldn't do something that a YouTube video described because it wasn't meant for the pocket edition). We had a picnic lunch at a park where they have free pottery and poetry class-type-things, then went to the nearby Penny Arcade and had a blast. After that we came home to make sure Tim could get his kids. If children planned out our days here and there, we would all be much better off. As for Tim, all I can do is be a good example and wait until he asks for advice before giving him any - he assumes I'm a godless heathen for not believing what he does.

Bonus Side-Story!!!

There was a homeless man at La Casita named Anthony that was close to having a heat stroke when I arrived. We had a great discussion about life and by the time he left he had amazing energy. He has a 15 year old daughter and his ex and her new husband dislike him greatly. I let him know they had plenty of life left to live. He nearly started crying and said he really needed to hear that. I gave him a big hug and it was obvious he didn't get those very often. From near heat stroke to renewed spirit in under 10 minutes or your money back! That's the April Compo guarantee.

I'm Prove It

With somewhat short notice I decided to go ahead and audition for an improv troupe here in town. Rusty? Yes. Enthusiastic? Yes. Entertaining? At certain points, for sure! It doesn't even matter if I make it into the troupe, there is something out there for me. Many opportunities have arisen just from presenting my own weird self to other creative types. One of the fellers in the troupe is strikingly similar to the owner of the data center I worked at, which is exciting because the first guy was willing to hire me so perhaps I actually get to do this thing. They don't even get together and practice or perform all that often and I can brush up on my presentation skills (and learn how to end a scene!)between practice. As a matter of fact, I've already started watching YouTube videos on the art of Improv. Performing is my favorite and most fulfilling form of expression. It's art that I don't need any supplies for and y'all know how cheap I am!

From mud wrestler to philosopher to politician to sugar mama, people have all kinds of ideas about the kind of existence I should embrace. Listening has become easier. Deciding has become easier. Boundaries have become easier.

There is also the "job" part of life and that seems to be lining up too. Once the kids are in school I won't have the childcare work and I'll be able to search in earnest for a job that aligns with my experience within a creative field. An administrative position at a company that prints poetry was recently brought to my attention. Hurling myself into the things that energize me has been juicing me UP. It's my own fault for letting anything get in the way of that in the past. The discouragement was all just a test, rejection is actually good. Infinity comforts me, for amongst it I know there will always be a place for me - and the place I am is right where I belong.

2 Legit 2 B Quiet

I'm gaining the tools to cope with the stress that life brings. There's a ton of anxiety on the planet and when you don't even realize it has an effect on you, you don't even realize you can do anything about it. Excuses get in the way for sure, who really wants to be responsible for preparing for the utter crappiness that inevitably finds us? What if we don't have anyone to explain things to us in a way that makes sense? What if those that want to help us just make assumptions based on their own experiences? What if we think we're crazy? What if we ain't got time? What if we're told not to even have certain thoughts? What if we're told to stop crying or they'll GIVE us something to cry about? What if that same person loves you more than anyone else in the world has loved you?

It sure is difficult to separate the person from the behavior. It sure is difficult to accept that someone you love is not responsible for your happiness. Even with 99.99% good intentions there is a tiny, little bit that is doing it for themselves in some way. They want to prove something. This isn't terribly cynical or unrealistic, folks. Some would rather the person they "love" be forever unsuccessful than to accept that their way doesn't actually help everyone on the planet. Now THAT is unrealistic.

Taking my own mental health seriously has been a wacky journey, as I'm sure most are. Thankfully I have long-established habits that have kept me afloat in extremely rough times. Expressing myself openly, honestly, and creatively has and always will be a part of my life. That doesn't mean I should rant angrily, it doesn't mean I intend to offend, it doesn't mean I'm more important than anyone else. It's just what I do for me. It is always nice when others approve, relate, appreciate and encourage, but even if they didn't I would still do it. Imagine a place where all emotions are expressed in a healthy way. It's helpful to self-validate. There's no one to fight in this place.

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.