Y B Sad?

It's not hard to help in small ways. I get so sad thinking about what certain other people aren't doing, I should know better. It's not hard to see why they'd make different decisions than I would. The small ways I can help seem counterintuitive, but it turns out it's not selfish at all to make sure I'm happy and healthy. It's not selfish at all to make sure you're happy and healthy. 

There was a lot of processing in 2023, I've made less money this year than last, and even less than the year before that. Yet, I've never had more savings and I've never had more fun with my kids and I don't think I've ever felt so... proud and content and close to my friends and capable and worthy and free. I always knew there were great reasons to live simply and not go into debt and not make too many decisions without reducing the factor of stress by as much as possible. 

I started this post while I was very sad one day. But I finished this post the next day, after meditating and playing some Mario Kart with the kids and eating tres leches cake and remembering I have a three-day weekend. Sadness happens though, it's valid and life can always be better. But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LIFE COULD BE SOOOO MUCH WORSE I'M KICKING MAJOR ASS! haha. Soon I'll get another tax return and my beloved cousin will move out here and I'm determined to keep deepening my connection to the ever-present well of wisdom that carries on unaffected by mankind's antics. 

Ded Leeves

 It doesn't feel like I'm putting much effort into having fun, but DAAANG, I've been having some FUN lately. As Brandy reminded me today: "time flies when you're having fun" and in just one more year our daughters will be fifteen - which we designated as the age they have to be to watch these adorable video interviews I did of them back when our families lived together. They were only like, eight or nine and fifteen seemed so far off at the time. Today we celebrated Genevieve's fourteenth birthday with a tea party at Miramont castle in Manitou Springs. 

We also recently went to a Halloween party on the other side of town, the multi-layer dip with a spider web of sour cream and spider made of black olive was impressive.

Oh, and did I mention MY MOM GOT TO STAY WITH US FOR A MONTH! She left October 25th as we were just getting used to her. haha:)

And on Friday the 13th, a group of friends and coworkers went to a horror themed burlesque show at La Burla Bee. "Jason WhoreTease" c'mon, that's silly.

Very good times. This year has been solid, and this season has been oh, so sweet. 

Am I?

 Woof, I've been toying with my identity lately. Always fancied myself as an artist - my very core tied up in this title. Distancing myself from this and other labels internally has been very sad. Feeling lost and unknown and empty - far beyond the intensity of leaving the religion I was in from birth until nearly thirty years old. I guess I just want to BE. At least for a time, to see what I've been blind to due to assumptions about myself and the universe. 

 Yet... I keep putting gas in my car, taking the kids to school, going to my office job, talking to the same friends, going to the same open mic, living in the same apartment, cooking the same meals, speaking the same language, surrounded by the same culture, day after day after day after day. Previously, I didn't identify as fearful but with a tiny bit of examination I see it now. Because I'd labeled myself as "tired", I don't stray far from my routine. Because I'd labeled myself as "thrifty", I don't spend money until a sense of urgency has developed. Because I'd labeled myself as "independent", I don't live anywhere near family. Because I'd labeled myself as "dependable", I'll stay right where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of someone else's wants. All seemingly "good" things. So why hasn't the universe rewarded me? Ha! It's as if I labeled myself as "deserving" or "worthy" and if I were to just quickly glance up from my self I'd see that all I'm owed is "this". So neutral and dauntingly up to my own overused brain to decipher.

Make a Splash

 One day when I was about ten years old I was out in the door-to-door ministry, sharing thoughts from the bible and giving literature to those that answered their door and seemed interested. My partner for the morning was my friend, a fellow ten year old - we loved hanging out and also happened to be neighbors and there was a rare closeness we very much enjoyed. She was excitable and happy, such a sweet kid. She thought I was particularly funny this day and knew danger was approaching as her bladder pressure continued increasing steadily with each door we walked up to. She ensured me she'd be fine, let's do some more doors, not too many people are answering this morning, it'll be fine, oh god, I can hold it... I give the door a "knock, knock, knock." She gives the front porch step her finest "splish splash [uncontrollable laughter]" while she unloads a gallon or so rapidly from under her modest-length skirt. The angels were with us that day as no one answered the door and we scurried away to her mom's station wagon. Our moms couldn't have been far, though, I don't remember where they were as I try and recall this incredible moment. We laughed until we cried as she balled up her undergarments and stowed them in the back of the wagon, horrified, relieved and just so happy. Life is amazing.

Double You Nine Lives

Adsense just told me to fill out a W-9. That's kinda neat - I can have advertisements on my YouTube and blog and make money from them. After about ten years I've accumulated like, six dollars. Which I can't get paid until I reach a minimum of $100 in revenue. I don't put much effort at all into these things, but it's still neat thinking about it.

There was a customer at work today that said our Talavera Siesta Planter was offensive to Mexicans. Yes, she was a white lady. She said it may be seen as "Mexicans are lazy" and I said that I hadn't thought of it that way. Then again, I have been taking a lot of naps these days and don't consider myself lazy. Even though I've only made $6 in ten years off my online content. 

We got a kitten a few weeks ago! Her name is Sombra and I love her and her paws and claws:

She sure does poop and pee and nap a lot.

Washin' My Brain

What a rainy year in Colorado! Yesterday while leaving work the sky opened up and dumped all of it's contents right onto my car. There's an international jump rope competition happening in town, which sounds fun. One of the competitors from Japan was crossing the street in the downpour and didn't have an umbrella or anything, clutching their backpack and running with a smile on their face. My brother.

My friend April and her little son visited last week. We went to the park to have a picnic and it dumped rain that day too. We were able to eat under a tree without much disturbance (I used my reward points to get a free eight-piece fried chicken from Safeway!), but the rain kept getting heavier and heavier. We played in it a bit, running around the playground with a toddler in the rain is a wonderful experience. 

The kids and I are going to the same park Saturday, it's such a beautiful spot close-by. We're admittedly spoiled with natural beauty. Naomi turned 14 a couple days ago so we're inviting her friends to the park for some food and to get them together again before they start high school. I'm not a fan of middle school, so it's very exciting. Summer has been generous, I've been grilling more than ever, I joined a gym and look forward to some time in the steam room after work today.

My cousin and I have a five year plan to buy land and start building a place to stay. At first for vacations and then likely for retirement as it gets more accommodating. There are a few things I really want: outdoor shower, off-grid, chicken coop. The chickens will have to wait for a permanent resident, as will the dog. Gotta have a dog. 

The routine has been oh so good, friends are increasingly dear, kids are my heart and motivation, family is always with me, we're very, very fortunate. Which means I should write some different songs because I'm not as into decomposing as I once was.