Judge (but not jury)

I've been training this week for a temporary electoral judge job. They even think I can be supervisor, which sure is sweet of them. I've never voted and am unaffiliated - suppose I just want to learn how this democracy thing works. Being an educated voter would be the only way I would feel inclined to vote and I've never been educated in politics. It's easy to say, "hey that policy sounds great!" and it turns out to be some crafty way to manipulate people, I'm wary. There was a lovely young woman by the name of Sara there training as well - maybe she'll even READ this! Anywho, she is studying political science to learn specifically about policy writing and is also a fan of BoJack Horseman. This world will probably be okay.

In other news: this weekend should be fun. I'm going to be done moving into a weird basement scenario and then I'm picking up my cousin Matthew for super fun crazy cousin crap... I guess. Maybe we'll write and produce a musical in a matter of hours. That'll probably be what happens. It wouldn't surprise me. I improvised this anti-depressant of a number just this morning:

WHATAMIDOING?

Before doing some of the usual Uber drivin', I drove a fellow artist to see a gal he'd been forming a relationship with on the Interwebz. Had to get some pictures too, since he put extra effort into his hair game:

I just think these are great! I guess I'll go ahead and promote him by saying his name is Zander Alexander and he has the heart of an entertainer. Anywho… back to reality.

Gar(b)age Sale!

Made $5 today off a sword I got for free last night! Also, Google photos reminded me that I'm not as chunky anymore, which is kinda cool.

UGH, I'm a cute li'l dumplin'. Yeah, the one with the clown doll is from today, a friend is selling them at our garage sale. SO MANY of them. 

Also, I'm selling the lemonade business - $20 and highly profitable! Just add kids (and lemonade).

Life is change - I need to move soon, not sure where to yet. If you have any ideas, please, let me know! 

WORKWORKWORK

In these times of stressfulness and uncertainty it is so easy to forget the seeds I've planted in recent history. Perhaps I've become paralyzed a bit by fear, but the last couple of weeks have not been so bad. I have been doing the work and planning in order to lift myself out of this desperation - the universe reminds me that it's coming - an answer. Not to lash out at those that have tried to help (through all of THERE OWN hazy mess of complex life). We are only trying to help each other. Remember.

Bridges, I want all the bridges. I dig ditches just to build more bridges. Some say I'm smart, at times my skull feels too tight. Do I even know enough about anything?

Temper [Rarey] Tantrum

Is temporary such a bad thing? Everyone seems to want all the "good" things to last for all eternity and all the "bad" things to have never existed. Seems to me that temporary is a great solution, especially since what is good for one thing is bad for another anyway. The first life on Earth couldn't exist now with the current oxygen levels. We've certainly benefitted from the temporariness of dinosaurs. It's not like I'm super stoked about eventual death. I'm not labeling it evil either. I also didn't come up with it and I know you didn't. We're alike in that way.

...what now?

It's as if we assume we are characters, unaware of our complexities. until we're not unaware anymore. Mr. Rogers was right - we are special. Yes, I just watched "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" -what of it? He knew what message to broadcast in a way only he could to an audience he cared a whole lot for. If something doesn't add up or make sense or it makes us feel unsure of why we "have to" be a certain way or do something - ask questions and figure out what the point really is and if it even applies to our current reality. To care is built in, so care about something. Carefully. Life is dope AF.

Da Troof

Do you limit your love? Afraid you'll run out? Does that mean you're judging too much? Disconnected from the source? What is the source? When you know, is that when you'll know?

Maybe I have a hard time with details. Have a hard time with now. And I'm practicing an uncomfortable balancing act that pays off every time. Every. Single. Time.

Too good to be true? No, I just said it was uncomfortable. The trick is in making the uncomfortable start to feel good. The afterward. The result. Believe it comes and it does. In the meantime: breathe. You never have to wait very long for the next breath. No patience required. No lack of patience required.

Trussed

It's a greaseball day for me. I've been washing my hair too often lately and now I can't go a day and a half without my scalp starting to feel greasy. GAH! Dry shampoo is sounding good.

Any day could be the day I run into the right contact to hook me up with an awesome job. And here I am being greasy. Daily hair washing just doesn't seem right to me. Neither does shaving. So I don't. That's easier to hide though:)

The expectations of American society. PSH.

When are we going to be allowed to be amazingly advanced AND human? Perhaps Europe has a better balance. Maybe I'll just go there. And not leave. There are too many people creating "needs" just to fill them for a dollar.

I love children. Especially mine, but they're all starting to grow on me. Being a good example is incredibly important to me - letting them know you can feel like you're different and you'll still be loved and worthy. You'll fail - you'll feel like you failed - you'll feel heartache - and you are perfectly okay even in those moments. You can fail and be okay at the same time. What if you never even tried? Maybe it's more okay to fail than we realize. Even self-sabotage, maybe that's just a last resort our subconscious uses to motivate us to move on when we've held on for too long. When we have faith that it is going to be better in the long run. I don't have to trust in those who have hurt me. What happens when no one CAN hurt me? What can earthling man do to me?

Foe Cuss

It sure is difficult to always remember to have faith, or to remember what that even means. That's what meditation helps me with the most. When I take a moment to stop and realize I require a breath to continue to go on, I start to remember that the air has always been there just when I needed it. So far at least. And my exhalation will benefit some other part of the universe. I've been feeding a lot of bugs lately, massive welts on my elbow with an itch that can't be ignored. What's the point of this discomfort? Perhaps to remember I was a part of something else's life. The itch may last longer than the lifespan of the stupid bug! A small price for me to pay for such a long, rich life of my own. Strip the earth of bugs and it would be uninhabitable for us. No such thing as a "stupid bug" it turns out.

Breath in, breath out. A simple and interesting system. Always depending on something else, something else always depending on us. We're responsible whether we want to be or not. Whether we can "handle it" or not. It has become incredibly helpful to remember that no matter how many times I haven't thought about it, took it for granted, even wished it wasn't the case: the next breath was always there.

Ooop, just saw a ladies booty crack at the library.

Jorb

People ain't that bad. Statistically I think we're okay. For instance, I'm quite often among lots of strangers and I've never once witnessed a stabbing. Most of us haven't, if I'm not mistaken. Even if I had witnessed a stabbing it would definitely stick out as an unusual moment. All of this lack of threat toward our life is ...great? We just get all the killin' out of the way with wars maybe? Not sure where I'm going with this, I make no promises except that I can ramble like a mo fo.

The job search is ON. I'm ready to overcome poverty and claw my way to a simple, peaceful existence. Any time I question myself, I just have to remember I'm the only one that can answer myself. And I make my answers positive and uplifting these days. More "why not?" than "why?" - more "how could it get any better?" than "how could it get any worse?". Lots of accepting advice from sources of wisdom that I connect with. Mentally, the results have been beyond the wildest dreams of former April. Current April feels good, looks good, is good. Good enough for a home of her own? Good enough to be content with her daily challenges? Good enough to make her own well-informed decisions? AWWWW YEEEEAAAH!