The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.

Sunday, June 3, 2018


When I'm sort of uncomfortable, I laugh. It's a blessing - as I can't control everything anyways. There is chaos in reality and the things that seem silly to me make me laugh. Abuse isn't silly, but then again, sometimes it is. Social media at times will bombard us with videos of people completely losing self-control and exhibiting violent behavior, complete with vulgar, brainless yelling over the dumbest (DUMBEST) stuff. There is lots of this footage shot in fast food restaurants. People are so incredibly stressed that they make a display of their primitive rage for all of the Internet to see. I laugh at these videos. Even when faced with these situations in real life (as long as my children aren't present) - I am intrigued and take mental note. Separating myself from my surroundings has been pretty easy for me. Once in first grade I was assigned to decorate Easter eggs, which is a no-no for Jehovah's Witnesses, and I got super quiet and stood in a corner so no one would notice me. It worked for several minutes and I ended up scaring the teacher's assistant when she finally saw me - god, what a creepy kid! Haha. There I go laughing again. Being different (weird, really) was a good thing in my household. Still is.

People are not their worst moments, they're a whole package. Forgiveness for even the most heinous things is possible and, in my eyes, admirable. If we wish revenge for all the bad things people do, we have only to remember that we ourselves have been asshats on occasion. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Anger. There is mountains and mountains of anger that is so easy to dump via text onto one platform or another. "Can you believe someone would DO such a thing?!" - Yes, and I don't know why you'd expect the world to be free from chaos. To let horrific things happen without penalty is not something decent folks are into, hence all the laws that exist. To punish without due process wouldn't help society, so relax there buddy. Be smart. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I recently watched a video about Rosa Parks, she didn't seem super angry. She was an attractive person on many levels and had more integrity than just about anyone. Where are the genuine people? The ones that practice what they crave? We don't have to be trampled and we don't have to be barbaric to let people know we don't approve of their trampling. Make decisions from a place of self respect, beginning with how you treat yourself. Are you floating through life holding on to some of the worst traits and habits that you would reject another person over?

In the words of Michael Jackson: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the chaaaaange"

Also, please try to laugh more, for god's sake!