The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Tim Time :(

Time to discuss Tim. He's a yeller. He yells at his kids for several minutes straight because he doesn't know how to cope with his own stress. My kids and I planned on going to the river today and Tim was coming to the house to take his kids since he has joint custody with his ex-wife, my roommate. We kindly invited Tim to follow us there if he would like. Things were okay for a while, then the cork popped and for 15 minutes he yelled at the kids. He yelled at them for being too far, for being on rocks, for getting wet, for forgetting to bring towels, for finding raspberries, for taking too long to get their shoes on, and probably for other reasons that I didn't quite catch while I attempted to relax by a lovely river.

Here is my face in the 12th minute:


Some people have no clue what they're doing to the people around them. I told Tim that he yells a lot. He started saying things like, "well I'm going through stuff with my landlord... I had a hard day at work... I woke up late... etc. etc" I said, "Tim, those are all excuses and have nothing to do with me. I'm still hearing you yell a lot." He said, "I know" then continued yelling at his kids immediately. He only allows himself to live in the miserable moments and can't see what is right in front of him. Can't even appreciate this absolutely GORGEOUS environment. My kids got their shoes on and we were gone without saying goodbye and had a yummy dinner at La Casita!


All-in-all it was an amazing day! Naomi turned 9 today and I was able to get her the full version of Minecraft (she previously just had the pocket edition on her tablet and it was killing her when she couldn't do something that a YouTube video described because it wasn't meant for the pocket edition). We had a picnic lunch at a park where they have free pottery and poetry class-type-things, then went to the nearby Penny Arcade and had a blast. After that we came home to make sure Tim could get his kids. If children planned out our days here and there, we would all be much better off. As for Tim, all I can do is be a good example and wait until he asks for advice before giving him any - he assumes I'm a godless heathen for not believing what he does.

Bonus Side-Story!!!

There was a homeless man at La Casita named Anthony that was close to having a heat stroke when I arrived. We had a great discussion about life and by the time he left he had amazing energy. He has a 15 year old daughter and his ex and her new husband dislike him greatly. I let him know they had plenty of life left to live. He nearly started crying and said he really needed to hear that. I gave him a big hug and it was obvious he didn't get those very often. From near heat stroke to renewed spirit in under 10 minutes or your money back! That's the April Compo guarantee.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

I'm Prove It

With somewhat short notice I decided to go ahead and audition for an improv troupe here in town. Rusty? Yes. Enthusiastic? Yes. Entertaining? At certain points, for sure! It doesn't even matter if I make it into the troupe, there is something out there for me. Many opportunities have arisen just from presenting my own weird self to other creative types. One of the fellers in the troupe is strikingly similar to the owner of the data center I worked at, which is exciting because the first guy was willing to hire me so perhaps I actually get to do this thing. They don't even get together and practice or perform all that often and I can brush up on my presentation skills (and learn how to end a scene!)between practice. As a matter of fact, I've already started watching YouTube videos on the art of Improv. Performing is my favorite and most fulfilling form of expression. It's art that I don't need any supplies for and y'all know how cheap I am!

From mud wrestler to philosopher to politician to sugar mama, people have all kinds of ideas about the kind of existence I should embrace. Listening has become easier. Deciding has become easier. Boundaries have become easier.

There is also the "job" part of life and that seems to be lining up too. Once the kids are in school I won't have the childcare work and I'll be able to search in earnest for a job that aligns with my experience within a creative field. An administrative position at a company that prints poetry was recently brought to my attention. Hurling myself into the things that energize me has been juicing me UP. It's my own fault for letting anything get in the way of that in the past. The discouragement was all just a test, rejection is actually good. Infinity comforts me, for amongst it I know there will always be a place for me - and the place I am is right where I belong.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

2 Legit 2 B Quiet

I'm gaining the tools to cope with the stress that life brings. There's a ton of anxiety on the planet and when you don't even realize it has an effect on you, you don't even realize you can do anything about it. Excuses get in the way for sure, who really wants to be responsible for preparing for the utter crappiness that inevitably finds us? What if we don't have anyone to explain things to us in a way that makes sense? What if those that want to help us just make assumptions based on their own experiences? What if we think we're crazy? What if we ain't got time? What if we're told not to even have certain thoughts? What if we're told to stop crying or they'll GIVE us something to cry about? What if that same person loves you more than anyone else in the world has loved you?

It sure is difficult to separate the person from the behavior. It sure is difficult to accept that someone you love is not responsible for your happiness. Even with 99.99% good intentions there is a tiny, little bit that is doing it for themselves in some way. They want to prove something. This isn't terribly cynical or unrealistic, folks. Some would rather the person they "love" be forever unsuccessful than to accept that their way doesn't actually help everyone on the planet. Now THAT is unrealistic.

Taking my own mental health seriously has been a wacky journey, as I'm sure most are. Thankfully I have long-established habits that have kept me afloat in extremely rough times. Expressing myself openly, honestly, and creatively has and always will be a part of my life. That doesn't mean I should rant angrily, it doesn't mean I intend to offend, it doesn't mean I'm more important than anyone else. It's just what I do for me. It is always nice when others approve, relate, appreciate and encourage, but even if they didn't I would still do it. Imagine a place where all emotions are expressed in a healthy way. It's helpful to self-validate. There's no one to fight in this place.

Sunday, July 8, 2018

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Win in Roam

There has come a time where my boundaries were crossed. After making the right decisions, here I was again, faced with the consequences of another's decisions. Taking them upon myself is the wrong decision, always has been. It became habit, perhaps "kept the peace", I thought to myself. No it absolutely did not keep the peace. There is a way to be peaceful about rejecting someone else's consequences, someone else's burden. Respond without anger, but firmly state the line was crossed. Stand your ground and keep your word. Don't give in to fear, don't let them convince you they did nothing, don't believe the invalidating you've trained yourself to gravitate toward. Fair warning isn't even necessary when someone is doing something to you that they would never want done to them. That law is already in them and every time they disregard it, they need to feel it. The universe knows how to take care of it so much better than you. Let it, for the love of all that is good and holy, LET IT! There isn't even a reason for anger or revenge, what poisonous concepts. Does it sound too good to be true? It isn't. It's incredibly difficult for a loving, generous, empathetic person to let someone suffer under the weight of their own misdeeds. Believe me though, it is more loving to let the universe teach them than to shield them any longer. If they're truly willing to accept help, they will get it. There are infinite ways it can reach them and none of those ways include making you feel like total crap on a stick. If they never learn to accept help, it has nothing to do with you.

Monday, June 4, 2018

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

(S)laughter

When I'm sort of uncomfortable, I laugh. It's a blessing - as I can't control everything anyways. There is chaos in reality and the things that seem silly to me make me laugh. Abuse isn't silly, but then again, sometimes it is. Social media at times will bombard us with videos of people completely losing self-control and exhibiting violent behavior, complete with vulgar, brainless yelling over the dumbest (DUMBEST) stuff. There is lots of this footage shot in fast food restaurants. People are so incredibly stressed that they make a display of their primitive rage for all of the Internet to see. I laugh at these videos. Even when faced with these situations in real life (as long as my children aren't present) - I am intrigued and take mental note. Separating myself from my surroundings has been pretty easy for me. Once in first grade I was assigned to decorate Easter eggs, which is a no-no for Jehovah's Witnesses, and I got super quiet and stood in a corner so no one would notice me. It worked for several minutes and I ended up scaring the teacher's assistant when she finally saw me - god, what a creepy kid! Haha. There I go laughing again. Being different (weird, really) was a good thing in my household. Still is.

People are not their worst moments, they're a whole package. Forgiveness for even the most heinous things is possible and, in my eyes, admirable. If we wish revenge for all the bad things people do, we have only to remember that we ourselves have been asshats on occasion. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Anger. There is mountains and mountains of anger that is so easy to dump via text onto one platform or another. "Can you believe someone would DO such a thing?!" - Yes, and I don't know why you'd expect the world to be free from chaos. To let horrific things happen without penalty is not something decent folks are into, hence all the laws that exist. To punish without due process wouldn't help society, so relax there buddy. Be smart. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I recently watched a video about Rosa Parks, she didn't seem super angry. She was an attractive person on many levels and had more integrity than just about anyone. Where are the genuine people? The ones that practice what they crave? We don't have to be trampled and we don't have to be barbaric to let people know we don't approve of their trampling. Make decisions from a place of self respect, beginning with how you treat yourself. Are you floating through life holding on to some of the worst traits and habits that you would reject another person over?

In the words of Michael Jackson: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the chaaaaange"

Also, please try to laugh more, for god's sake!