All Boils Down Ta

Turns out it's really fun to use an app to make me look like a man. Being encouraged to stay home and away from others in this current pandemic situation has led to some simple pleasures resurfacing for me. Video games are fun, Sudoku is wonderful, doing nothing is perfect, being grateful floats my boat.

I've been trying for years to make it back to where I am now, actually, where I am now is better than where I was before. I'm even working from home! Which is actually kind of a lot to get used to. If only I had two monitors and a way better chair. Dang I sound privileged. And yet, here I am with obscene levels of self-discipline and time management skills making something work that I've been curious about for a long time. While the kids are home from school (yet still on Spring Break) I gave them chores to do before screen time and they're such good li'l people. Taking out trash and doing dishes... getting on each others nerves finally. They're pretty mild mannered. I love them so much. Probably wouldn't be so self-disciplined without them. Who knows. Who cares? It's TOO LATE! haha.

While stuff is closed, it hasn't been all that different for me lately. I've already gone a few weeks without performing at the open mic on Mondays and have mainly been socializing at a smaller scale, a few folks over at a time or going to a friend's house on occasion. A friend is going to video chat with me later too. Nice to get used to online chatting as an ever-present option. I chatted with my brother yesterday - so good to see and hear him.

People are definitely keeping more to themselves. There are some people out there that depend on seeing strangers in public for a living, it has to be a scary time for people that live day-to-day. What are homeless people doing? I wonder if some of them will get so scared they seek family. I wonder what those families will feel obligated to do. I have hope that there will be a great rekindling of families and a rearranging of values that benefits everyone.

D-Zerving

What does one deserve? Just by being alive? Human rights are an interesting development, individual rights for everyone. Why not? Is it something the universe would allow for? It would be well and good to have the right to live a life free from harm or unwarranted distress. How can we exercise that right? Why should we? Do we really deserve it? How do we know when the harm or distress is even unwarranted?


These days I live with very little harm and distress. I still have me around and I'm grateful everyday for what I have. There are definitely times I added to the harm and distress I've experienced - times when I believed I wasn't the one able to manifest my own happiness. Or that happiness somehow depended on circumstance or financial stability or the happiness of my loved ones. Now I fight for my right to party. Andrew W.K. is a seemingly strange, but effective form of motivation for me. What a soul! There are so many people with so many views and so many forms of expression and it is SO much healthier than feeding into the darkness. Do we have the right to be healthy? Yes. We just have to fight. HARD.


We will all go through challenging, depressing, traumatic times. I'm asking you to go through them with me - even if we never know or speak to each other. It actually makes no difference if the bad stuff that happened is warranted or not. Maybe we're an ass and we've spent our lives justifying it - does it really matter in the moment that we decide to heal? Nope. Every time we make the choice to heal, we're fighting. Fighting an authority that resides in our brain that has somehow convinced us to identify only with it and its negative nature. Well I say "fuck authority" in this case.


Party on.

Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.

(S)laughter

When I'm sort of uncomfortable, I laugh. It's a blessing - as I can't control everything anyways. There is chaos in reality and the things that seem silly to me make me laugh. Abuse isn't silly, but then again, sometimes it is. Social media at times will bombard us with videos of people completely losing self-control and exhibiting violent behavior, complete with vulgar, brainless yelling over the dumbest (DUMBEST) stuff. There is lots of this footage shot in fast food restaurants. People are so incredibly stressed that they make a display of their primitive rage for all of the Internet to see. I laugh at these videos. Even when faced with these situations in real life (as long as my children aren't present) - I am intrigued and take mental note. Separating myself from my surroundings has been pretty easy for me. Once in first grade I was assigned to decorate Easter eggs, which is a no-no for Jehovah's Witnesses, and I got super quiet and stood in a corner so no one would notice me. It worked for several minutes and I ended up scaring the teacher's assistant when she finally saw me - god, what a creepy kid! Haha. There I go laughing again. Being different (weird, really) was a good thing in my household. Still is.

People are not their worst moments, they're a whole package. Forgiveness for even the most heinous things is possible and, in my eyes, admirable. If we wish revenge for all the bad things people do, we have only to remember that we ourselves have been asshats on occasion. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Anger. There is mountains and mountains of anger that is so easy to dump via text onto one platform or another. "Can you believe someone would DO such a thing?!" - Yes, and I don't know why you'd expect the world to be free from chaos. To let horrific things happen without penalty is not something decent folks are into, hence all the laws that exist. To punish without due process wouldn't help society, so relax there buddy. Be smart. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I recently watched a video about Rosa Parks, she didn't seem super angry. She was an attractive person on many levels and had more integrity than just about anyone. Where are the genuine people? The ones that practice what they crave? We don't have to be trampled and we don't have to be barbaric to let people know we don't approve of their trampling. Make decisions from a place of self respect, beginning with how you treat yourself. Are you floating through life holding on to some of the worst traits and habits that you would reject another person over?

In the words of Michael Jackson: "If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the chaaaaange"

Also, please try to laugh more, for god's sake!

Letting Goo

As some of you may or may not know, or might have suspected, or had a hunch: I enjoy a good guided meditation. I listen on YouTube to Michael Sealey, mainly. Right now I'm living in Colorado in a rented room with my family (husband and two little kids). We moved here after staying at a homeless shelter for two weeks. Jason-husband inquired on a website if anyone had a spare room and a kind family responded. We met up and had some Dunkin Donuts and our kids all had a blast immediately, they're pretty much the same ages, coincidentally. We've all become such good friends and pretty much needed each other. I now have a karaoke buddy, a great influence, stability, kindness... it's enough to make me cry with appreciation and joy.

Last year was so hard and so educational. We've been in this house for nearly ten months and I've agreed to watch the children over the summer and, in many ways, continue my education. The mutual respect in this house is pure delight! The unnecessary, unimportant, worrisome things are slowly sluffing off of me and my life. The good - things and moments and people - are rising up around me. Meditating has been a very important key to accepting this reality: the world is full of kindness and the universe wants us to succeed. Good wins when we fight alongside it. We may have to fight ourselves intensely too, accept and admit our own not-so-good ways so we can work with what we've got.

Now I have to go help my daughter do some origami!