Daddy's Issues

Hope - it's what I got. Anger - it's what I'm working so hard to alleviate.

There are folks that can no longer care for their children for one reason or another. Did I have any idea I would marry one of those people? And then have children with them? And then be left a single parent? Here's to hoping it's temporary. Here's to hoping the anger leaves me alone so that if/when the time comes that he is ready to do anything with the children, I will do things right. There is no going back in time anyway and just the ability to fathom time travel is upsetting. A step back eleven years to inform my past self. A peek into the future, to see how things turn out. A waste of the present time, when I could be kicking ass like I know how to do. So well.

Lately I've been working on my passions in life. Comedy, music, drawing, socializing, lots of self-expression. Lots of honesty. It does feel great to not have the heavy issues around, influencing everyone. Threatening everyone. There's no better time than now to start the long, arduous task of sorting through these issues. Many things that were said lead me to believe it is going to take so, so much undoing to get to the point of doing. Learning my personality type has helped me know what my tendencies are: if it isn't done efficiently, GTFO. What a down side! I form a belief and make it come true though, the first thing I said to him was "you're my soulmate". Then when I started to get the gist that he was unhappy and I couldn't do anything about it, that belief faded. Now I'm left with some beautiful and hopefully balanced children and still have the ability to form beliefs and make them come true. Here's something I believe: A certain man will feel free and use that freedom to choose honesty and start enjoying the outcome of his hard work. He will always love his children and won't let his own mind assume I will or even CAN get in the way of that. Perhaps there will be times something comes up and the plans don't work out. Perhaps I should accept reality. No, I should definitely accept reality.

Right now I take each day as it comes and practice, practice, practice living in the moment. I believe it's going to pay off. HUGELY.