Lee Mee Loan

Inside me is a draining, cranky demon. I'm grumpy. It makes me so tired to have this frustration sitting heavily on my heart. Maybe I miss my family in Florida while the hurricanes keep blowing through, maybe I want a different job, maybe I need a vacation, maybe I'm sick of responsibility, maybe I'm not doing something I should be, maybe it's getting dark too early already, maybe I should be on pills, maybe I wish there was more I could do about things I can't do anything about, maybe I can do something I just haven't thought of what to do yet and now I'm too tired to think of it.

Sometimes I'll tell myself that my life is blissfully filled with peace and maybe I'm just being dramatic thinking I'm mentally ill all the time. But I also can't help but think it's a good thing to feel unsettled inside, like it's incredibly wrong to stay here and stagnant, you fool! RUN! HIDE!!! 

I saw a woman on the sidewalk today that looked just like my grandma. It made me cry and think about what it would be like to have her with me right now. She would definitely understand and stay positive and be so comforting.

I'd give her a pistachio muffin and green smoothie. She'd get a kick out of it.

Hurray Up & W8

 Uh oh, I got excited about a new thing and then the momentum kinda fizzled. We'll see if the factors at play actually move in the way it takes for it to happen. It's wait and see, but if the time comes and says "NOT", I know what I CAN do. What I was able to afford in a moment of excitement is still something I can afford without so much urgency and it's so nice to know there's a reserve of passion in me yet for the things I love and love to do.

What's great is my family has been invited to an art brunch on Saturday and the timing is just right. No plans, clean home, no fuss, slight hesitation to commit at first (out of habit), and realization that it's what the universe wants for me. With the people I enjoy the most because they're the sweetest, most positive souls. They charge my battery! I wonder if my dear boyfriend can come too, lord, he encourages me so much. And it's such a seemingly natural trait for all these folks, rather than being critical or entitled. 

Brandy is back at the office after several days having to work from home due to renovations after a pipe flooded her condo. Lord, am I happy to make her laugh. 

Still dreaming of my five-year plan to own some land. Here I am with my truck:

Wish Upon a Scar

 How I wish I knew what I was. So often it's desirable to be one that lets go, but my subconscious teaches me time and time again that it's not the case. "Look how vivid your memories are, let's relive a moment, a feeling, a thought! You're feeling it again because you want to, you must crave it when you're suppressing it in your waking hours, and you've grown fond of this boiling lake of acid because it is extreme and you're so insensitive otherwise."

How much meat have I eaten without harming a fly? This disconnect is stale, I yearn for blood and see so clearly that I have no honor. My current path is following something paved and designed and calculated and like a pretend-exciting journey. Like waiting in line for a theme park ride with fake skeletons and chests fills with fake golden coins and fake prison bars and previously recorded screams and fake stone and real dust. Married by a judge, gave birth in a hospital, vaccinated, divorced by a judge, too capable to risk much, cynical, but still with an undying belief in love. 

Just within the past week the corners of my mouth point so far down. There is weight to the air and I'm conserving energy for battle. What am I supposed to be?

Ghost in the Pepper

 Phew, it's a hot summer! Let's be thankful, gang. I got some fun stuff going on in life and even just the normal things like a roof over my head is amazing right now. The stress is so manageable I'm ready to face some challenges voluntarily in order to level up. Take on some responsibilities to gain some powers. Like, by CHOICE. How freakin' weird is that? Making decisions from a place of peace is wildly different than having to deal with hardships as they come. 

It takes some effort to figure out... wh.. what am I doing? Freedom is hard. Failure is scary. But...

Life

is

kinda short.

Almost Me

 ...it's almost April, see?

 Just saw this on Facebook and love it:

"Nobody can save you but yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and force
to make you submit, quit and /or die quietly inside.
 
Nobody can save you but yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless being?
do you want to experience death before death?
 
Nobody can save you but yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.
think about it.
think about saving your self.
your spiritual self.
your gut self.
your singing magical self and
your beautiful self.
save it.
don’t join the dead-in-spirit.
maintain your self
with humor and grace
and finally
if necessary
wager your self as you struggle,
damn the odds, damn the price.
only you can save your self.
do it! do it!
then you’ll know exactly what
I am talking about."
 
~Charles Bukowski, “nobody but you” from Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way, 2002

I had to underline the "wager your self" as I'm just not competitive, however, with all the challenges of living in a sluggish/broken system built by the dead and abused by the dead-in-spirit, it would be so sad not to wager my self. So inspiring!

 

Listerine

Admittedly, I could stand to do better at listening without imposing my own intentions or values. Maybe I'm getting better at that naturally with age. Listening is so efficient! It is getting more loud and clear when someone ELSE isn't listening and wants to cling to their delusions - which makes me look back at all the times I've been guilty of living in my own fantasy rather than pay attention to those not-so-hidden messages, whether spoken or otherwise evident. It's also kinda fun not being overly worried about what another person hears. If they don't want the answer that they don't want to hear, their brain finds a way to avoid asking the question. To want is to suffer and I'm not wanting much at all these days, baby.

Guy Dense

 Oh, sweet & sour & spicy Universe! Hear my pleas and guide me to a state of pure, true intention! Pummel me until I have no choice but to stop resisting! 

Sigh... there. 

It's becoming easier to stop forcing things. It's becoming clearer who I am and where I'm headed. Intuition is kicking in and it is straight up telling me things. I'm so hesitant to explain this right now, but I feel compelled to so here we go:

Last year I made a five-year goal to buy land. A vehicle that can travel in rural spots as well as carry supplies would be a necessity. My car's check engine light has been intermittently coming on and I recently found a business card as I was cleaning out my purse before taking a trip. The card is from an old friend that owns a mechanic shop. I remembered he would sometimes have vehicles to sell so I inquired about what he might have on hand. He only has two trucks. After work today I'm going to his shop and have a strong feeling that I am meant to buy one of these trucks. He's a trustworthy, generous dude so I'm not worried he'll sell me a turd and I have an ever-increasing list of complaints about my current vehicle I've had for seven years. A vehicle I desperately needed to escape my situation at the time. A vehicle attached to some downer energy. BUT, it has served its purpose and is paid off, including the down payment I borrowed from my parents. It's the first car I financed, which was great for my credit score. 

The title of this blog post is a play on words. Sounds like "guidance" and lately I have been open to guys. Dating, taking trips, chatting, thinkin' 'bout 'em. I made it a point to not commit to any particular guy for at least a year after my divorce, which is coming up fast (in eleven days, to be exact). Brandy and I both have "divorciversaries" this month and we're hoping to celebrate somehow. Haven't figured out how quite yet, but it's not something we take lightly. It's more of a celebration of our friendship than a celebration of dissolving our marriages, but hey, we're still proud of removing ourselves from something that wasn't meant for us. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and damn, my happiness is a bucket of chum! I said "chum", mom! "CHUM"!