The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

The Infinite Ramblings of April Compo

Monday, June 4, 2018

Full Awful

Homemade falafel. So easy and delicious and hopefully as healthy as I like to think since I've been eating all of it. Here's a secret you probably know about me because I suck at secrets: I get some impressive gas. Roasted vegetables get me the worst and it even makes the gas smell like meat for some reason. Like a pot roast is baking under my comforter. It isn't the thing about me that my family loves most, especially since we all sleep in the same room. There are much better things to love about me, however. Some of the things I love about myself are things that other people are just not into. This is true of everyone, so I just try to work with my strengths and accept that everyone has "haters" (which is a terrible term since I don't think anyone actually hates people as much as they say they do in casual conversation). Rather than being a negative troll online, my youngest brother, Jarred, is super positive... but still sort of a troll about it. It's hilarious and probably what I would be doing if I was him. My mom did say we were really similar. He writes things like, "Wow! Really gr8 video - I also want to be fast like Sanic the HegHog. I love you" Hahahaha, he will tell them he loves them. It's so much funnier since he goes out of his way to find videos that were recently uploaded, don't have any views, aren't on popular channels, and are clearly made by an amateur or kid. Back in my senior year of high school, guys started being really nice to each other. Even hugging when they greeted and making merry. Football players too. It was adorable and even though they pretended they were doing it as a slight jest, they enjoyed the heck out of it.

Our default state should be nice and loving - even if we have no way to physically be there to help others. Doing fun things is more important than I realized for a long time. I had a friend as a teen that told me something like, "you only want to have fun and be funny and everything is lighthearted etc." and it's probably because I didn't have a lick of depression and rather than being thankful for that I started thinking something was wrong with me. People with depression are all around me, I love them! They're usually creative and unique and intelligent. Going and doing the fun things though? Not without some complications. It wore on me and I started to live the depressed life. When I took my daughter to the doctor after coming back to Colorado last year, they asked if I wanted her to talk to a therapist since the reason I left Colorado was marital problems and it affects kids so much. So her advice in the end was to do more fun stuff! Which is what I would have been doing all along if I didn't let some shitty attitude convince me that my naturally positive outlook was somehow flawed. Life is so enjoyable. Shitty attitudes happen, but try to recognize the shittiness for what it is: someone else's problem. Not that you have to ignore it or be mean about it. But don't let it cling to you. Let that ish GO and have fun and be a good example. If all they can do is become self absorbed and needy, there's nothing wrong with letting them know you're there for them - but that your not a therapist or psychiatrist and that may be a more helpful route. If they become a hoarding hermit and don't put forth any effort to improve - how is someone else going to force it on them? Doesn't work. But be kind, having no friends doesn't help either. We all need to have a reason to enjoy life at least a little and a regular phone call or small gift isn't going to kill ya, but can add joy to their life. But again, I'm not an expert and I've even let my own eventual depression keep me from reaching out to others when I should have. If they can't forgive me for that, I start to wonder what the point of maintaining such a friendship is. Then I stop thinking about how much "work" I've put into the relationship and just continue on my merry way, accepting that I'm a complete and kind person on my own, with plenty of love to share with those who accept it. Plenty of pot roast farts to share too.

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