Makes Scents

 I tend to blaze through work once I sit at my desk. Then I have a little time to eff around before the phone calls start rolling in. I miss working with Brandy, she's been working elsewhere for over six months now - the world is so unfair. A small cast is fine, but the remaining people don't care to host a pot luck like she did. With her quiche and laugh, what a freakin' prize that Brandy is! What do I bring? I just chug through work and am sporadically funny, but I'm not going to play "guess my fart" with anyone else. Her feelings were right there on her sleeve, so feminine and beautiful. Le sigh. May she never change. Can't wait to hang out with her again.

 Ooooo, I get to go to some hot springs later this month with an ol' friend! Boy do I need it. 

 Ooooo, there's a Cackle of Crones that meet in an apartment downstairs and I've been going over there lately. The services are right up my alley, practicing gratefulness, energetic, and more intuition based than the patriarchal system I was raised in. Woof, I don't think I could sit through another service where I'm told how incomplete and sinful we are. Like, look, I'm complete AND a part of a bigger picture, ok? My "sins" are there to add spice to this cosmic gumbo, ok? Thanks for the years of making me feel like men and their ideas were more important, I'm good. Haha.

MaTOOR

 It's very nice feeling settled in my brain. Not having to make decisions hastily and feeling well-rounded has my stress levels manageable. Envisioning a plot of land with a creek and remembering the smell of dark soil, the cool feeling of a shaded little spot on earth - it's where my mind goes every chance I give it. 

 The weight of depression I felt nipping at my heels the last few months is dissipating. Anxiety and depression are so contagious for me, unfortunately. They're easy for me to spot and so hard for me to handle appropriately. Like seeing a cave and being drawn to it naturally. Letting it hold me and tell me everything else is too dangerous. Good thing I have no choice but to leave. Too bad when a hermit I befriended takes it so personal. 

 What better way to carry on than to be a balanced, healthy individual? There's a handy gauge that I've developed through life that triggers a little warning light. When I look under the hood, it may take some deciphering, but it's incredible to finally figure out how I work and what might not be working so well. What fluids to top off, where I'm leaking, what wires are crossed. The song "Little Red Corvette" played on the radio this morning, there's no escaping some external influence.

 Now, who's gunna drive me GOOOOOOD and SLLLOOOOWWW? 

Pro Duece

 We got a comedy special we're producing this month for a local comedian, that's going to be an incredible time. It's amazing that I get to do dope shit with a tight crew and performers that are eager to prove they're professional and dependable and talented. 

 The life balance lately has been good, work is rolling along smoothly, the kids are awesome and Roland has been becoming my li'l athlete. We've been playing tennis like my mom and I used to, so sweet. Naomi is rigging a scorpion character in Blender that pulls a covered wagon and I'm DYING, she's so GOOD! She mentioned a book she's been wanting to read called "House of Leaves" that looks pretty mind boggling, so I ordered that for her birthday next month. Sweet 16! I'll have to get her out to practice driving more and get her hooked up with a permit. She'll eventually thank me, but she does seem pretty hesitant at this point. Drivers of Colorado Springs are all over the place. I didn't drive until I was 18, and by then it didn't seem that such a big deal.

 Hoping that AI replaces me at work soon and I can go live in a mound of dirt. WOOO!

 

Schobizz

 There have been torturous, tortuous points in my life. With purpose, though, I say this: I'd do it all over again. My faith lies in no man, man-made agenda or teachings. While many are using their own words to translate what they've learned for themselves, it's not another human that is the source. While they can help us feel like we're on the right or wrong path, they've never been on anyone else's path to know where it actually ends up going for a person that isn't them.

Even when I'm tired of being strong, I need to lean into it. Letting another person do the work that is mine to do is a quick way to give up power, which I will regret at some point down the road. The work of building a support system, for instance. For me, I never felt I belonged in the middle of a formed group, insulated from other groups. The edge always appealed, that's where my gifts became evident. That's where some may become afraid. My support system right now gets it too. A valance electron keeping things energized, though getting a lot of one thing and none of another is very popular in some circles. Opportunities can be found.

Having fun is important. 

Stoff

 Been cohosting shows with Vincent-boyfriend over the last few months. About once a month. It was at his studio space which became hostile, so this Friday our next show/taping is at my favorite venue, Frisky's!

Our theme is Break Up Day, which is observed a week after Valentine's Day and is (in my opinion) more interesting. No one has asked me to be their Valentine yet. They have asked for a massage though. Haha. What a comfort I must be. 

My cousin Matthew is moving back out here next week! With his beautiful girlfriend and her two boys, I'm so happy! Her and I have a lot in common, sense of adventure, grit, a will to stay strong and make life fun and have goals. She immediately was on board with the land plan and has... AMBITION?! So exciting! She has a competitive side too and even won a pickle-eating contest!!! How can you not love her?! She's allowed to be my sister. 

Lee Mee Loan

Inside me is a draining, cranky demon. I'm grumpy. It makes me so tired to have this frustration sitting heavily on my heart. Maybe I miss my family in Florida while the hurricanes keep blowing through, maybe I want a different job, maybe I need a vacation, maybe I'm sick of responsibility, maybe I'm not doing something I should be, maybe it's getting dark too early already, maybe I should be on pills, maybe I wish there was more I could do about things I can't do anything about, maybe I can do something I just haven't thought of what to do yet and now I'm too tired to think of it.

Sometimes I'll tell myself that my life is blissfully filled with peace and maybe I'm just being dramatic thinking I'm mentally ill all the time. But I also can't help but think it's a good thing to feel unsettled inside, like it's incredibly wrong to stay here and stagnant, you fool! RUN! HIDE!!! 

I saw a woman on the sidewalk today that looked just like my grandma. It made me cry and think about what it would be like to have her with me right now. She would definitely understand and stay positive and be so comforting.

I'd give her a pistachio muffin and green smoothie. She'd get a kick out of it.

Hurray Up & W8

 Uh oh, I got excited about a new thing and then the momentum kinda fizzled. We'll see if the factors at play actually move in the way it takes for it to happen. It's wait and see, but if the time comes and says "NOT", I know what I CAN do. What I was able to afford in a moment of excitement is still something I can afford without so much urgency and it's so nice to know there's a reserve of passion in me yet for the things I love and love to do.

What's great is my family has been invited to an art brunch on Saturday and the timing is just right. No plans, clean home, no fuss, slight hesitation to commit at first (out of habit), and realization that it's what the universe wants for me. With the people I enjoy the most because they're the sweetest, most positive souls. They charge my battery! I wonder if my dear boyfriend can come too, lord, he encourages me so much. And it's such a seemingly natural trait for all these folks, rather than being critical or entitled. 

Brandy is back at the office after several days having to work from home due to renovations after a pipe flooded her condo. Lord, am I happy to make her laugh. 

Still dreaming of my five-year plan to own some land. Here I am with my truck: