Admittedly, I could stand to do better at listening without imposing my own intentions or values. Maybe I'm getting better at that naturally with age. Listening is so efficient! It is getting more loud and clear when someone ELSE isn't listening and wants to cling to their delusions - which makes me look back at all the times I've been guilty of living in my own fantasy rather than pay attention to those not-so-hidden messages, whether spoken or otherwise evident. It's also kinda fun not being overly worried about what another person hears. If they don't want the answer that they don't want to hear, their brain finds a way to avoid asking the question. To want is to suffer and I'm not wanting much at all these days, baby.
Infinite Ramblings of April Compo
April Marie Compo utilizing her right to free speech! (By rambling on and on about whatever)
Thursday, February 15, 2024
Listerine
Friday, January 12, 2024
Guy Dense
Oh, sweet & sour & spicy Universe! Hear my pleas and guide me to a state of pure, true intention! Pummel me until I have no choice but to stop resisting!
Sigh... there.
It's becoming easier to stop forcing things. It's becoming clearer who I am and where I'm headed. Intuition is kicking in and it is straight up telling me things. I'm so hesitant to explain this right now, but I feel compelled to so here we go:
Last year I made a five-year goal to buy land. A vehicle that can travel in rural spots as well as carry supplies would be a necessity. My car's check engine light has been intermittently coming on and I recently found a business card as I was cleaning out my purse before taking a trip. The card is from an old friend that owns a mechanic shop. I remembered he would sometimes have vehicles to sell so I inquired about what he might have on hand. He only has two trucks. After work today I'm going to his shop and have a strong feeling that I am meant to buy one of these trucks. He's a trustworthy, generous dude so I'm not worried he'll sell me a turd and I have an ever-increasing list of complaints about my current vehicle I've had for seven years. A vehicle I desperately needed to escape my situation at the time. A vehicle attached to some downer energy. BUT, it has served its purpose and is paid off, including the down payment I borrowed from my parents. It's the first car I financed, which was great for my credit score.
The title of this blog post is a play on words. Sounds like "guidance" and lately I have been open to guys. Dating, taking trips, chatting, thinkin' 'bout 'em. I made it a point to not commit to any particular guy for at least a year after my divorce, which is coming up fast (in eleven days, to be exact). Brandy and I both have "divorciversaries" this month and we're hoping to celebrate somehow. Haven't figured out how quite yet, but it's not something we take lightly. It's more of a celebration of our friendship than a celebration of dissolving our marriages, but hey, we're still proud of removing ourselves from something that wasn't meant for us. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea and damn, my happiness is a bucket of chum! I said "chum", mom! "CHUM"!
Saturday, December 23, 2023
Y B Sad?
It's not hard to help in small ways. I get so sad thinking about what certain other people aren't doing, I should know better. It's not hard to see why they'd make different decisions than I would. The small ways I can help seem counterintuitive, but it turns out it's not selfish at all to make sure I'm happy and healthy. It's not selfish at all to make sure you're happy and healthy.
There was a lot of processing in 2023, I've made less money this year than last, and even less than the year before that. Yet, I've never had more savings and I've never had more fun with my kids and I don't think I've ever felt so... proud and content and close to my friends and capable and worthy and free. I always knew there were great reasons to live simply and not go into debt and not make too many decisions without reducing the factor of stress by as much as possible.
I started this post while I was very sad one day. But I finished this post the next day, after meditating and playing some Mario Kart with the kids and eating tres leches cake and remembering I have a three-day weekend. Sadness happens though, it's valid and life can always be better. But JESUS FUCKING CHRIST LIFE COULD BE SOOOO MUCH WORSE I'M KICKING MAJOR ASS! haha. Soon I'll get another tax return and my beloved cousin will move out here and I'm determined to keep deepening my connection to the ever-present well of wisdom that carries on unaffected by mankind's antics.
Sunday, November 5, 2023
Ded Leeves
It doesn't feel like I'm putting much effort into having fun, but DAAANG, I've been having some FUN lately. As Brandy reminded me today: "time flies when you're having fun" and in just one more year our daughters will be fifteen - which we designated as the age they have to be to watch these adorable video interviews I did of them back when our families lived together. They were only like, eight or nine and fifteen seemed so far off at the time. Today we celebrated Genevieve's fourteenth birthday with a tea party at Miramont castle in Manitou Springs.
We also recently went to a Halloween party on the other side of town, the multi-layer dip with a spider web of sour cream and spider made of black olive was impressive.
Thursday, September 21, 2023
Am I?
Woof, I've been toying with my identity lately. Always fancied myself as an artist - my very core tied up in this title. Distancing myself from this and other labels internally has been very sad. Feeling lost and unknown and empty - far beyond the intensity of leaving the religion I was in from birth until nearly thirty years old. I guess I just want to BE. At least for a time, to see what I've been blind to due to assumptions about myself and the universe.
Yet... I keep putting gas in my car, taking the kids to school, going to my office job, talking to the same friends, going to the same open mic, living in the same apartment, cooking the same meals, speaking the same language, surrounded by the same culture, day after day after day after day. Previously, I didn't identify as fearful but with a tiny bit of examination I see it now. Because I'd labeled myself as "tired", I don't stray far from my routine. Because I'd labeled myself as "thrifty", I don't spend money until a sense of urgency has developed. Because I'd labeled myself as "independent", I don't live anywhere near family. Because I'd labeled myself as "dependable", I'll stay right where I don't feel fulfilled for the sake of someone else's wants. All seemingly "good" things. So why hasn't the universe rewarded me? Ha! It's as if I labeled myself as "deserving" or "worthy" and if I were to just quickly glance up from my self I'd see that all I'm owed is "this". So neutral and dauntingly up to my own overused brain to decipher.
Thursday, September 14, 2023
Make a Splash
One day when I was about ten years old I was out in the door-to-door ministry, sharing thoughts from the bible and giving literature to those that answered their door and seemed interested. My partner for the morning was my friend, a fellow ten year old - we loved hanging out and also happened to be neighbors and there was a rare closeness we very much enjoyed. She was excitable and happy, such a sweet kid. She thought I was particularly funny this day and knew danger was approaching as her bladder pressure continued increasing steadily with each door we walked up to. She ensured me she'd be fine, let's do some more doors, not too many people are answering this morning, it'll be fine, oh god, I can hold it... I give the door a "knock, knock, knock." She gives the front porch step her finest "splish splash [uncontrollable laughter]" while she unloads a gallon or so rapidly from under her modest-length skirt. The angels were with us that day as no one answered the door and we scurried away to her mom's station wagon. Our moms couldn't have been far, though, I don't remember where they were as I try and recall this incredible moment. We laughed until we cried as she balled up her undergarments and stowed them in the back of the wagon, horrified, relieved and just so happy. Life is amazing.
Friday, August 25, 2023
Double You Nine Lives
Adsense just told me to fill out a W-9. That's kinda neat - I can have advertisements on my YouTube and blog and make money from them. After about ten years I've accumulated like, six dollars. Which I can't get paid until I reach a minimum of $100 in revenue. I don't put much effort at all into these things, but it's still neat thinking about it.
There was a customer at work today that said our Talavera Siesta Planter was offensive to Mexicans. Yes, she was a white lady. She said it may be seen as "Mexicans are lazy" and I said that I hadn't thought of it that way. Then again, I have been taking a lot of naps these days and don't consider myself lazy. Even though I've only made $6 in ten years off my online content.
We got a kitten a few weeks ago! Her name is Sombra and I love her and her paws and claws:
She sure does poop and pee and nap a lot.